goodbye 2008

i was reflecting back on my life and i noticed a pattern. every 8th year of my life is very difficult, starting when i was 8 years old (probably the worst year of my life) and continuing on with a horrible 16th year, a pretty hard 24th year, and this last year, my unbearable 32nd. thank fucking god it is over now is all i can say. not looking forward to 40.

all of these bad years have been dominated by bad relationships- with my family, supposed friends, and with boyfriends. this year was no less harsh than the others- it started with my final fallout with 'x', my unrequited love, and a disastrous breakup with my last thai boyfriend 'm', the sharp-tongued, perpetually sad companion who left me broken on the beach. i left my idyllic island life in thong nai pan trading insults with people who had previously been friends but whose lives and minds did not venture beyond those narrow borders of the isolated village, and who could just not be bothered to see me as me. i had a fling with a man who lowered my self esteem to nil when i realized how little it actually meant to him (whispering friends tipped me off to the website with pictures of him and his wife), and a similar friendship with my movie star boy just recently broke down when we crossed the line into a sexual relationship and then guiltily parted ways, knowing it could never be, as we are both too damaged.

i greatly appreciate the couple of real friendships i have managed to maintain this year- specifically with my girlfriends 't' and 'y'... both of whom went way beyond the call of friendship to prop me up at my most neurotic and insecure moments, and reminded me of who i am and why i am still living. the rest of the riff-raff that fell by the wayside this year only served to highlight what great people they are and how much i truly love them.



and now i have just returned from a week of excruciating pleasantness spent on my island, wondering why the hell i ever moved to bangkok, and am fighting the temptation to move right back down there (on the other side of the island from thong nai pan). if no real opportunities present themselves in NY or here in bangkok in the next month, i think i will give up on this city which has had me stagnating so long and go back to where i am happiest to ride out the recession- back to where i wake up with random fauna peeping in at me from the sunshine and flora, where i can maneuver my jeep around the jungle roads to visit my happy friends, where i can make thai food with neighbors, swim in the sea or dance on the cliffs whenever i please, and which is cheap and easy, at least for awhile. i am over worrying about what people think about it, and long past feeling guilty for wanting to be free.





happy new year!

musing again

i am re-reading the book 'shantaram', partly because it was good and partly because it was one of those 1000-pagers that should last me through my holiday next week. it is the story of gregory david roberts, who had an amazing life. i am only a couple of chapters into it thus far, and already there are dozens of quotes that hit a chord with me. here are a couple-

(on the underbelly of bombay) "usually i am never taking the tourists to these places. they are not liking it, and i am not liking their not liking. or maybe sometimes they are liking it too much, in these places, and i am liking that even less, isn't it? you must have it a good heads, to like these things, and you must be having a good hearts, to not like them too much". -prabaker

(on a prostitute who gave up a priveleged life to chase a junkie) "she loved that guy. she did it for him. she would have done anything for him. some women are like that. some loves are like that. most loves are like that, from what i can see. your heart starts to feel like an over-crowded lifeboat. you throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self respect and your independence. after awhile you start throwing people out- your friends, everyone you used to know. and it's still not enough. the lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it's going to take you down with it. i've seen that happen to a lot of girls here. i think that's why i am sick of love."
- karla

... also read a very interesting report that our consciousness is ten seconds behind the present, and another fascinating article about japanese researchers who have been able to project thoughts into tangible images. maybe some day i can just project my book onto a screen rather than having to actually write it! ;)

me

it's funny the reactions i get to this blog. and it reflects in real life too, as my writing is really just an extension of me and my personality. i don't have nearly as many readers as i used to, and far fewer people comment on what i write these days (but i have stopped promoting it publicly for quite awhile too). still- i do get interesting emails. about 90% of them are from people who are effusively complimentary, to the point of embarassment. some of the letters i get border on celebrity worship, ha, which makes me feel good but is also very idealistic of them, as of course none of you know me very well at all. but as in my real life, the majority of people who read me respect and like the fact that i am so straightforward and open, even to the point of being brutally honest and tactless at times. my real friends all appreciate those aspects in me.

the other 10% is really nasty! some people just don't understand why i have to be so honest. they find it totally offensive. they think i am a simpleton or a drama queen.

luckily it has never been my goal to appeal to the masses. i really couldn't care less what people think of me as long as i am true to myself. i have gone over this subject a few times over the years in this blog. when you have a life as unstable as mine has usually been, it is important for survival to eliminate the bullshit (people, problems, material things) and get to the heart of things to progress. as far as i am concerned, standing up for what you think, feel, and believe in is the only way to live. i expect the same from the people around me. i am militant about this, and also unapologetic. people who don't like it can choose not to read, or in real life, choose not to associate with me. i feel it is their loss. i might not always be "nice", or "polite"... i might reveal things that are normally kept to oneself (though believe me there is a lot i don't reveal), but i will never in my life be justifiably accused of being double-sided or fake. and i am proud of that fact. so there. take it or leave it.

anyway, been quite busy lately. put my plane ticket to NY off for a month, giving myself january to find job opportunities before heading back, which makes more sense. awaiting a visit from my lovely friend 'y', who has decided melbourne is not the place for her and will come stay with me until she decides which place in the world is! we plan to head back to my little island village in koh phangan for the week of christmas. on the one hand, i miss it, and am happy to go re-visit my friends there and show 'y' my life there. on the other hand, i hate to go back to a place that i have already said goodbye to. i gave up a lot when i left koh phangan. it was both the most amazing and some of the most trying four years of my life. i am going to have to see the dogs i left behind (if they are even still alive!), which i know will break my heart. i am sure i will bump into a few small-minded enemies as well. but i am hoping to just be able to relax and have a little taste of the peace and happiness that kept me there for longer than i have ever stayed anywhere else in my life, and then come back to bangkok feeling refreshed for new year. we shall see.

patience

the political crisis in thailand has winded down for now, though there is still a lot going on under the surface (most of which we can't talk about by law so that makes for barely suppressed rebelliousness and boring blog entries!) the fighting is liable to spring up again soon in an even nastier form, depending on certain circumstances, so we are all a bit edgy here in the lull of the storm.

meanwhile i watched the movie 'twilight', and though i am not in it's target demographic (idealistic teenybopper girls dreaming of vampire boyfriends) and it wasn't all that great a movie, it made me surprisingly homesick for my country. there were some gorgeous scenery shots from the pacific northwest. around this time of year i start to miss winter a little bit, of course... christmas in bangkok is dead boring, and the recorded carols repeated halfheartedly in the shopping centers and fake evergreens with spray-on snow really just don't balance out the fact that it's about 90 degrees and a buddhist country. it's not only christmas i miss though, it's american humor, pop culture, fashion, music, liberalism, a dating pool of some interest to me, and dare i say it- decriminalization of marijuana, my drug of choice for anxiety, of which i have been deprived for a long while now... :( my friend 'y' says i probably just miss it all because i can't have it for now, as i am notoriously dissatisfied and restless. she is usually right about me.

i do have to wonder though if i will ever go back there and settle again. part of me wants a quaint house in the mountains with a variety of pets, an organic garden, and a road trip-friendly vehicle handy. but chances are i would quickly grow bored. same goes with the sleek, airy loft on the riverfront in the city. 'x' and i had that once in fact- spent thousands of dollars painting and furnishing a gorgeous loft with leather couches, flat screen tvs, framed art and down filled comforters. almost as soon as we finished we looked around, said "that was fun", then sold it all and went travelling again. :) the curse of gypsy blood!

my gypsy blood is boiling now and it is all i can do not to cut and run, but i have to be disciplined for now. so i am resolving to make do with the contracts i have coming in (which are a blessing i shouldn't overlook as so many others i know are jobless), make the best of the relationships with people i do have here now (though they are not "my" people), and try to be positive a day at a time.

wow!

this is a picture of the moon and stars tonight- literally smiling upon us!


Venus, Jupiter, and the Moon, not necessarily in that order

the question is, are they laughing with us or at us????

anarchy

PAD Protesters at Suvarnabhumi Airport (from BBC)


the situation in thailand right now is pretty ridiculous. i mean as if we all didn't have enough to worry about with the global economic problems and terrorist attacks, without the thais throwing temper tantrums. the PAD protesters have gone so far as to take the country hostage- no one is getting in and out via bangkok anyway. and rumors are that they would think about shutting down food and water supplies, communications and power, transportation etc. to get their point across if closing the airports doesn't do it. the weird thing is that it's been 4 days now and the government/military have not done a damn thing to stop them! how weak and ineffectual does the leadership of this country look? and thailand bemoans the fact that people still refer to it as a 3rd world country....i have to say it, i think these people are idiots.

anyway people are talking about civil war! well, i can understand the PAD's side of things- they want to overhaul thailand's system of government and the (corrupt) election process, and get rid of the selfish, childish, greedy ex-PM thaksin and his influence. however paying grandmothers and children to stand for you as human shields, and sentencing your own nation to years of destitution to prove your point is pretty out of line. let's hope they come to their senses and find a better way to arbitrate things. not least of all because i want to be safe and be able to communicate with the outside world, if not leave this place and go there.

meanwhile, i am not finding any opportunities for work in NY and am very reluctant to go there without something set up. i am resigning myself to having to put off my trip back to civilization until warmer months (after i have had a chance to feel out the effects of the economy and obama's presidency). at least i am getting stable work here and still have some good friends around. i will just have to make the best of it.

i really, really need some inspiration of some sort though, before i go braindead. i miss 'x'. :(

Bangkok Protests Turn to Violent Riots

Also- Protestors Close International Airport

looking pretty scary these days in bangkok.

so my choices now are between going back to a sunken economy or to stay in the midst of a civil war.

:(

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i... can't... write! i have tried everything tonight and there is the digital equivalent of crumpled up paper all around me. i tried to write about my trip to the dentist today, always a horrid affair in thailand, probably best put behind me. i tried to write about my impending week bedridden with the bangkok lung infection that wipes me out me periodically and which i feel coming on again. i tried to write about my proud new addiction to certain happy opiods (don't worry). i tried to write about my realization that there is a recurring pattern forming in my life in which i entangle myself in dalliances with clinical psychopaths, obviously preferring the science project over the healthy harmonious relationship. i tried to write about how funny it is that some people will never "get" where i am coming from and how in the end it is their loss because i have so much to share. i tried to write about how my building shakes alarmingly like an earthquake whenever a bus roars past. i tried to write about how much i feel at home here and why i still love thailand despite my being such an obvious misfit. i tried to gather anecdotes and write about everyone from the scrawny, filthy bag lady on my doorstep who screeches scarily at me when i smile solicitously at her in passing, to the imperious big haired socialite women i run into shopping at the mall, who eye me up and down with disdain and cut in front of me in the line for a taxi, bumping into me with shopping bags and waves of perfume- to the shy bespectacled superintendant of my building who has spent most of the week hanging out on the floor of my room, pecking at my laptop and trying to elicit some response from my temperamental internet connection, and avoiding eye contact with skimpily dressed me (i am wicked sometimes i know). i tried to write about how much i miss certain people in my life, how much i want to embark on some big adventure, how much i want a pet, how i want to go roller skating, visit a drive-in, drink egg nog by a fireplace, eat oysters rockefeller in a piano lounge, ride in a ferrari, go camping with strangers, adopt an asian baby, save the world from itself.... i even tried to write about how much i tried to write and it has gotten me nowhere. i give up. back to sleep.

(wo)man's search for meaning

i have been reading back through my blog a lot lately to remember who i am (the value of recorded thoughts over a decade should not be understated). i realized that so many parts of myself seem to have gone dormant lately- a lack of inspiration not just because of the place i am in but because i have let myself turn off and just go through the motions. a friend of mine asked me which gender i am leaning towards sexually these days and i realized that if anything i am totally asexual. another friend asked if i have written my book yet and i thought back to the weeks of doing nothing other than surf the same 3 websites repeatedly. i reflected on my recent friendships and though they are very good people whom i value immensely, they have not inspired me towards any sort of passion as the strange and moving specimens i have let into my life before did. i find myself humming "where is my mind" (great song by the pixies) and trying to feel that sometimes dark and brooding lust for life i have always had before, but it is very elusive these days and i sort of float along in oblivious boredom.

tonight, a couple of wines and a dose of my new favorite drug, tramadol, helped immensely. rather than wallowing in depression and loneliness i feel surprisingly and pleasantly free.

thinking about what i want to do now and it is becoming clearer. travel is a given, and always number one- my lust to experience the world at least has not diminished. it is however, a sad impossibility due to the fucked up state of the economy at present and my low bank balance. so working becomes number one, wherever it is i decide to work- calculating the ratio of sanity i can retain vs. the amount of cash i can earn.... but aside from money, what is it that i want? ...the answer is (still) meaning... i need something to mean something in my life again. whether that is a boyfriend who stimulates and challenges those sleepy parts of my brain to wake up again, some sort of project i can throw myself into (if said boyfriend would support me for a year while i write my book i could kill two birds with one stone but that is unlikely), some sort of beauty that i can uncover from my surroundings and capture in some way... i don't know what it is but i need to find it again. and i am unsure that i will find it in thailand, which i am realizing more and more is a soulless place.

anyway it's growing colder here, i shiver in the ten degree drop. i peer at the city from my balcony and dare it to impress me with some danger or decadence that i haven't seen before. i shrug and traipse in to have meetings on IM in which i excel and get a little carried away with bossing people around (one reason i don't do well in office situations). i think about packing my things and taking off into the unknown and i feel a little thrill at the fact that i will always have that choice because as much as i complain sometimes the fact that i have no ties is a glorious thing. the moon is full and the slate is clean, who knows what is just around the corner.

boing

my friend 'y' moved in with me for a week before her mad escape into the unknown (melbourne), where she hopes to acquire the stability that bangkok isn't known to provide to young foreign girls. it was a week of giggling over midnight bottles of wine, spontaneous karaoke and dance offs, hanging around in our underwear, shopping doggedly in sweaty markets for twin clothing items, gossiping with cigarettes on my balcony, revealing dark secrets, and making affectionate and idealistic promises of friendship forever. she also has left her family behind and for various reasons can not look back- so there is a kinship between us besides the fact that we are essentially very alike (though she is a much more extroverted, amusingly pessimistic, and surprisingly naive version of me). in the two months we have been hanging i think she became the best friend i have had in years. i will miss her horribly (and our shameless girlyness over the past week made me miss my sisters too, one of whom is begging me to come see her in egypt next month).

y's absence leaves me with a lot of free time to kill- i have written off the rest of my friends in bangkok except for 't', who intrigues me with his contradictory spats of coldness and occasional sweet solicitousness... but frustrates me overall and is probably best stayed away from for now for both our and his girlfriend's sanity. life tends to "oscillate" according to 't' and i am on the negative and lonely side of the curve for the near future (is there a time in the history of my blog in which i failed to mention the word 'lonely' in my posts? my cross to bear or what?). i am hoping to fill in the hours and days with work so i don't sit around thinking too much. i have been in a year-long standstill and the only way to get out of it at this point is to replenish my cash (if possible!). i have about six weeks to decide which risk is the most likely to pay off- keeping my freelance contracts (and freedom) in asia or finding a real job and hacking it out 9-5 for a year in NY. i have absolutely nothing and no one holding me in thailand right now. but the dire economy is holding me back from NY. maybe i will surprise myself last minute and go somewhere totally random. this is the first year of my life i think in which i did not take a trip! what is going on?!

i appreciate the fact that i have an amazing life though, as off track as it has been for the past year. and hopefully i have a lot of adventure to come to brighten up my lazy musings.

yay for america!

i awoke this morning to hear that barack obama won the presidency- there might be hope for my country yet!

leavers

last week i went on a visa run to laos, again. vientiane was full of nigerians, and nigerians love shy white girls, apparently. they also have no qualms about jumping ahead in line so i spent a very frustrating day standing in glaring hot sun while the line ahead of me (for the visa) got progressively longer. i actually passed out in line after a couple of hours, and one of the nigerians picked me up and set me in the shade. i then had to avoid his winks and smiles for the rest of the time i spent panting there. but i had acquired myself a sweet old laotian man as a designated driver in a colorful and creaky tuk tuk, who protected me chivalrously from the creepy guys even as he scandalously overcharged me, and i did get away with 6 months' worth of visa time in thailand, should i need it. i also had a nice sunset stroll along the mekong river, played with some puppies which always does wonders for my mental health, and downed some great beer laos at 'khop chai due', my favorite fluffy-gardened cafe, with a fascinating australian guy who had been all over the world and told raucous stories, until i realized my eyes were crossing and i had to excuse myself and run down the dark streets to my cool, safe hotel room to sleep heavily.


mustachioed cat in vientiane

back in thailand, oh woe is me, again. if there is one thing i have still not gotten used to after years in this land of revolving door tourists, it is the fact that i get close to people who inevitably leave. i suspect it is karma for the many times i have left people before in my long life of place-hopping (though i don't think i often left behind people who cared much at all that i was leaving).

and so ends my little group of special misfits as we scatter in our respective directions. 'y'- the feisty bengali princess, surprise good friend, and instigator of much fun is off to seek her fortune in oz. 's', the sketchy russian gangster with the heart of a teddy bear is off to do whatever secretive sneaky stuff it is he does. 't'- the narcissistic, affectionate, confounding drama queen extraordinaire who has been my unwitting and elusive love interest of the past couple months, is off to try and be a good boy to his trophy girlfriend for once. and 't', the strange schoolgirl, is so strange that i can't see myself spending much time with her on my own as we two are left behind. i will miss all of our crazy nights barhopping, making sordid taxicab confessions, flirting and being infatuated with one another, and shaking our drunken booties to hip hop (which believe it or not is growing on me) at club slim at RCA... not to mention the many late nights of IM conversations and bonding phone calls.


me and 'y' on halloween

back to trying to fill my days so i don't drown in thick sticky loneliness. at least maybe i will detox a little bit without the weekly binge parties. i joined the gym, which is nice- i like to stare out the window at the people going about their business in the hotel across the street while i do mindless repetitions on the circuit trainers or fall clumsily all over myself to the delight of my snappy pilates teacher. i like to breathe deep in the herbal steamroom and imagine i am in an exotic rainforest. i stumble squeaky clean into central department store (where my gym is located) and try to make it past the obstacle course of shops without making purchases (usually i fail at this and spend the rest of the day suffering from buyer's remorse of some sort). i buy coffee and eat noodles and walk past the shrine where people are praying with incense and the stalls selling flowers, fish balls, flip flops, to hop on the baht bus through fuming traffic towards home.

at home i flounder. i think about cleaning, but flop onto my bed. i think about writing but know i should work instead. i flip lazily through art sites and miss culture and inspiration. i try to watch movies but cable sucks. i stare out the window and think about moving to NY, which really will be just another window looking out onto a place i am not apart of. but a hell of a lot more expensive.

i can do anything really, says 'y'- with no strings upon me i am free. i can go anywhere as long as there is an internet connection. she is trying to get me to move with her to melbourne, but i find ozzies bland and awkward, and still there is something about thailand that nags at me, whispering "you are not done here yet elocin don't think you can escape just yet" (you still have some self esteem in you that we need to leech away, for instance). and there is NY demanding with an inscrutable mask from across the world that i be upstanding and strong and seek my fortune amongst the best of the best, throwing all caution to the wind.

...all i really want to do is close my heavy curtains, turn up the air conditioner, and dream heavy dreams under the sheets forever and ever.

swing

i get so mad at myself when i read this blog these days. all i've done is ruminate about what to do with myself for the entire past year- i read back to around new year 2008 and saw that i had resolved then to choose between NY and thailand... almost a year later i still haven't done so. i mean i just bought a round trip ticket to NY, for chrissakes- i can see myself turning right back around once i land in the states and remember that only a rat can win the rat race.... i am so at home in both of these places in opposite hemispheres though- i will probably end up living half/half somehow.

in any case, at least i can get back to my country if the shit hits the fan. maybe NY will inspire some of the creativity i have lost as well, especially in my writing!

i am tempted to buy a camper van as soon as i hit the ground, and drive from NY to LA though. road trip junkie to the core! as long as i have my freelance projects i can go anywhere. i wonder how possible it would be to get an internet connection in my camper van? hrmmmm. i want to go pick up a hollywood boyfriend. someone like, hrmmm, wentworth miller would do. i did an astrological analysis on him and turns out we are as compatible as you can get where star signs are concerned. just have to convince him! (joke)


i should really be writing for a teen magazine, no? (hits self)...

what have i done???

... i bought a ticket to return to new york jan. 1!

trepidacious

i am really getting scared by all the news of the economic meltdown all over the globe. having been through a couple of recessions before, i know how daunting and painful they can be, and people are going so far as to cry 'great depression v2'! and this time, i won't have a boyfriend to prop me up and vice versa when the chips are down.

i have always been very smart about taking care of myself. i have a decent amount of savings, and i still have enough work coming in from the states that i am making decent money. but if the dollar is devalued and jobs start disappearing, i can imagine either finding myself stuck in thailand with it's unstable government on the verge of kicking me out and struggling to find work teaching english (which i am likely to loathe), OR struggling in mid-winter on the streets of NYC (which has one of the highest costs of living in the world) without money to cover my living expenses... given my family history, and my propensity to choose deadbeat losers as best friends (in disguise as brilliant trailblazers though they may be), i have zero backup at this time. so it's a gamble right now either way. though i am dying to get back to NY right now, i am not sure if i should spend the money on a ticket back to the states if there is nothing guaranteed there for me. but i am really unhappy in bangkok and see no more future for me in this land of scumbags and whores (there, i said it, told ya i hate bangkok)!


thailand

it would be nice if there was a guardian angel to give me advice, is what i am saying. i know nothing about economics other than that one of my friends is preaching doom after losing half a mil on the stock market, and what i read online... and not being stateside i don't know how bad things really are....

for now i am lying low, working, and partying my ass off with my little group of misfits. oh, and i am addicted to dvd series in box sets- i have gone through 'weeds', 'lost', 'pushing daisies', and 'prison break' thus far- all of which provide a little escapism and some fodder for my fantasy life (including drawn out mental romances with josh holloway of lost and wentworth miller of prison break ;)). but i can foresee my tearing my hair out very soon, and i guess i won't be the only one, the difference is most people won't be facing these impending hurdles by themselves!!!


another weekend trip to koh samet

stutter

i have a ridiculous amount of anxiety right now, not entirely sure where it is coming from but i haven't been able to sleep for like 2 weeks except for the couple of nights i popped a xanax. my little brain has been on overdrive.

i guess i am just worried about work and a possible move across the world. hrmmm yeah that could be it(!!!).

also, of course! as happens every time i finally resolve to leave this country, suddenly i have met a group of really great people. they range in age from 18 (which i was averse to but have changed my mind about) to 32 (me). they are real, nice, fun people, and more importantly, safe(!) and not as messed up as a lot of people i have met in thailand are. one of them is a soap opera star in bangkok, one is a russian gangster who retired at age 23 or so, a cute university student gal who sneaks in to hang with us, plus some really nice thai guys.

trying not to let the fun i have been having influence my decision on a move too much though, as i really believe it might be best for me now... but for tax reasons i am better off not going back to the US til dec. instead of oct. anyway.

too tired to write a proper entry otherwise! here are some pics:

ch-ch-ch-changes

well, as much as i was trying to enjoy living in bangkok, it is getting to me now. if i am going to be in a city, i want to be in a real city and be making real money. i think the biggest problem here is i am in a very rare demographic- a 32 year old single white woman with no ties who works from home. not many like me in the land of sexpats. i am bored to death and lonely. so i have been exploring other options.

hawaii (which for some reason keeps popping up in my life a lot - even aside from the marathon of 'lost' on dvd i have been having this month....mmmmmmmmmmm sawyer) would be my first choice now- but reading up on it i have realized it is as expensive as NY. and i don't think i could cut it telecommuting from there as the reason i can get those jobs in thailand is that i lower my rate a bit from what i make in the states. so... there being few to no IT jobs in hawaii, i guess i am going to have to put it on hold for a bit, or just make it a vacation spot until i get some connections there. other options- japan? also expensive and i am thoroughly sick of asia. europe? nah... basically i am thinking of heading back to NYC, despite the upcoming winter! i just keep having romantic visions of a cozy little flat with a fireplace, wearing fuzzy wool socks with cinammon candles burning and billie holliday playing as the snow melts on the window... i know real life is not like that, or the novelty wears off quickly at least, but i guess i sort of miss winter, manhattan, artists and intellectuals, good food, easy money, etc....

i could be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, as moving back to NY will take pretty much all my savings. plus there will be taxes to pay and it will be hard to convince jobs i can't come in to work in their offices (or i will go mad). and NY is very, very lonely for singles, at least for the first few months until you meet people. but i can save about triple the cash i do from thailand (giving me a lot more options), and i don't have to put up with thai idiocy. it is nice to actually be going there of my own accord rather than because i have to for once.

it will be weird to go there without 'x' (my ex- best pal for 12 years) this time. but i have been thinking about him a lot recently and though i grieve at the loss of him, i have realized what an uncaring and bad influence he has been on my life anyway. (rant censored.) so what i am thinking is it is actually a really good thing that he isn't in my life or in NY any more! and i have a clean slate to make a newer and better life for myself there, at least for a year or so. it could be good.

so thinking of heading back october 1! eep.


some recent random pics in bangkok:


art on khao san road




a bum sleeping in the street




my good friend 't' with two guys we met from NY




barbara tucker (soul singer with house djs) who we saw play at Q bar

$?

it occurs to me i should do something real with this blog..............................nah.

doom and gloom

i have been in a pretty much solid good mood for a couple of weeks now (i think due to my self hypnosis tapes, don't knock 'em til you try 'em), but it is inexplicable really given the general feeling around. it's not only the economy woes (which do scare the hell out of me as i am basically out of work right now, living off my savings until something else pops up- luckily it always seems to, so it is a matter of waiting until then and trying not to be neurotic about it). there is also the news of war which always makes me start imagining world war 3 which i think is ultimately inevitable in my lifetime. then there is the out of control corruption in thailand. the headlines are pretty unavoidable lately, and some hit close to home! the animal care place in koh phangan was bombed, apparently by pissed off locals (though what exactly an animal care place could do to piss anyone off is beyond me). there are also various stories of corrupt police activities including a really disturbing one today in which an officer and his gang kidnapped a guy and his five kids, apparently killed the guy, took the kids for ransom from their family, and ended up killing the 14 year old girl by beating her severely (she had 2 broken arms) and then running over her with their car again and again until they were sure she was dead. fucking hell. they needed money for gambling!!!! ...so much greed in this country! not like my country doesn't have problems too, but there is not such a calloused lack of empathy and the type of corruption that is so rampant here. in thailand, the police are the scary criminals! the good people are suckers! from my post on the lonely planet site on the topic of thailand's hope for future progress being bleak:

I had a conversation with a Thai guy once in which I was trying to explain that people from my country really value honesty and straightforwardness, and he scoffed and berated us as being stupid for that. Other Thais have talked about kind, generous, and honest people as being "too soft", as if those were despicable qualities. I have come to the conclusion based on those conversations and my witnessing a number of people screw another number of people here, that Thais do not have any moral code. This could be a fault in their education system, but if you look at the west, you will see that most of our media has a moral lesson inherent in it. We are taught from birth to help others, stay within the law, and we feel guilty or get punished if we do something intentionally to hurt another. It obviously doesn't work out like that all the time in the West, but overall, people do have empathy for each other and avoid setting each other up for failure, and are generally law-abiding. Thais do not have these inclinations or the resulting guilt if they don't follow them. The more sly and underhanded people are here, the more respect they seem to get. I don't really see how if this is the case, there is any hope for Thailand's future. They have got to see how every time corruption is allowed to slide, it is another wound in the side of the whole country. Rampant corruption is great for those who have money to get themselves out of trouble, but not for the poorer folks, and it will always be very unfortunate for those who are set up. But (the majority of) Thais have never learned to stand up for themselves and stick by any morals they have.

... okay rant over for now. in other news... well not much news. been going out a lot more lately- some friends have come up from koh phangan to stay with me, and i met a few new ones online. realized i am getting a little old to go out and drink a lot though, it seems to be the thing to do but i just regret it the next morning, and then going out appeals less and less and being a hermit in my house appeals more and more. i don't know what is going on with me but i have been looking up real estate and thinking of buying property and settling down a bit- but then again i am a total commitment phobe so doubt that will end up happening. i also have been reading a lot about hawaii as a place to move to (asian influence but in america, island geography and weather, etc.) so in other words, as usual, i have no idea what i am doing. :) at least for now i am happy though.

~~~~~~~

i am actually really enjoying living in bangkok. all the more so because i am alone here. i have no one to answer to! on the one hand this is the first time i have really lived in thailand without a thai boyfriend of sorts or even thai friends to rely on (not to mention friends, period). on the other hand, that is great! i can make this city whatever i want it to be!

so this morning i got up and volunteered to re-organize the two biggest travel websites in this region for free, as a side project. that might have been dumb. but i figure it might pay off eventually somehow, and if nothing else i will get credit for their re-orgs.

then i went and wandered around chatuchak market. as much as i have gone off thai guys i still wouldn't mind a hot artist boyfriend who has enough money to come build a little place with me on the islands. so i loitered around the art section hoping to find someone of interest, but really only met a couple of japanese tourists. not that that is bad, except for the tourist part. (oh- as a side note, i have convinced my japanese crush taka to come to egypt and morocco with me in jan!).

one thing about chatuchak is it has an extensive pet section. it is bad because they sell animals who are endangered. i saw some gorgeous turkey vultures today, as well as some other birds i am certain should not have been for sale, along with the kittens, snakes, scorpions, flying squirrels etc.... they also have breeding farms where they churn out loads of puppies and kittens. they showcase them in wooden boxes, piled on top of each other in the heat, with no water or fan in some cases (bangkok is HOT!). it is sad looking at these babies and knowing they will more than likely die soon. but i also selfishly love it because you can go up and play with all of them- fuzzy golden retrievers, obstinate pit bull puppies, tiny little chihuauas that look barely of this world. i figure at least they get a few minutes of love from me in their lives. and i get a fix of cuddling with something that loves me unconditionally. i would love to take all of them home and it is actually lucky i cannot. i almost bought a baby hedgehog today because that is something i can actualy manage in my apartment, but i had all kinds of foresight about my eventually leaving thailand and having nowhere to leave my little 'spike', so i left him there, with his little snout pressed against the wall of his box, looking forlorn.



after chatuchak i headed to khao san road. i like khao san because it is a good mix of farang and thai culture. the cooler thais hang out there, and there are always newbie farangs to pick up and dazzle with my expat status. i enjoy the resulting conversations. i don't even have to make an effort other than going and sitting at a roadside cafe with a beer. someone always introduces themself. tonight was an irish guy named ken. he was very typically irish, and pretty conservative and generally not my type at all. but the thing with irish is that they know how to drink. so though ken kept insisting he was a nice guy who was not trying to get into my pants, drinks kept appearing in front of me, and he refused any payment from me. it was ok until i was way too drunk already and he kept insisting on more drinks. i took him to a dark bar full of dancing people. he insisted he had never danced in his life. i told him i was leaving and to pretend he was a different person for the next hour and see what happened. hopefully he stayed there and had a good time, picked up some hot girl and danced his hiney off. but as he followed me to my taxi begging to come home with me until i slammed the door in his face and my (very cool) driver peeled off with a screech, i doubt he did that. too bad for him.

unfortunately though, that leaves me very drunk with a brand new oven in my apartment and various chocolate chip cookie recipes yet to be utilized at 1am. i am going to try to get up early enough to go to an introductory pilates course in the morning.

bohemian rhapsody

i haven't been to the theater in years, so though i had no one to go with and tickets were expensive, i sucked it up and went to see 'we will rock you', based on the music of queen, which i happen to love. it wasn't the best production i have ever seen but it had some great characters and i enjoyed it a lot- recommended.



i also saw batman: the dark knight on imax.... was disappointed that there was not more beefcake shown by christian bale, whom i have been in love with since 'the prestige'. heath ledger was great but otherwise i thought it was just another overblown hollywood blockbuster. but then, i am a girl ;).

stay tuned for the next episode of elocin's pointless reviews from the land of (fake) smiles.