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balance (2): now (again)

Monday, December 07, 2009

now (again)

So far what I have learned via my latest psychological spelunking (which I have loved since birth) is that with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which is apparently useful for every type of psychological disorder or general bad feeling, is that talking positively to yourself to change it doesn’t work. (I learned this before, when I recorded myself saying I was gonna win the lottery over and over and played it while I was sleeping :) ). You also have to believe what you are saying, so you shoot for realism in talking to yourself… What do you reasonably think you deserve and can expect, without too much of a lean towards good or bad? It teaches you to balance your thoughts a bit. Not to exaggerate the badness and fear in situations because you know it is always there in life, but so is the good stuff…. Basically same thing I learned in Thailand with yoga- go with the flow, breathe. Buddhism. The “Secret”!!!!! It’s all one lesson! & it’s starting to work, a little. :) Yay! Just gotta relax.

I went with my friend to a burlesque show, the other night. :) It was pretty skanky (compared to the classy one with champagne in a classic theater in Denver, with L)… don’t know what he (H) thought. It was in this dirty old basement loft in Chinatown. Drinks in a cooler type of thing. But it was kind of funny. They mixed it with theater (a Christmas Carol, twisted of course), and there were debutante girls, Japanese artist boys and Jewish professors in the audience, and half naked boys in wigs. It was the first snow too (but mostly rain). We took a cab over the bridge home and watched the city out the window. Got home and joked with his roommates while listening to vinyl. Played with his fishtanks and looked at hydra porn on youtube (nerds! I never knew I had it in me!) …But then it felt too much like a brother-sister thing so I excused myself. Still fun!

I am loving work. Busy-ness helps me not be so reclusive. It’s weird though, my mind spins so fast in organizing things, then at the end I fly off into space… I need calm. The trip to White Plains is cold and stressful, but people there think I am smart and I have my own little office, that I go to via train once a week (so far). It takes forever but I get to feel like I am travelling- with my newspaper and breakfast. I eat dinner in Grand Central station amongst the beautiful buskers whom I wish I could round up and record in some fashion, homeless men snarling nonsensically, beedy eyed police and businessmen…. Then I walk home from the train to the bus again to my many ‘mates, through my little neighborhood of sickeningly white, rich, goodlooking young people who don’t talk to or have sex with me, walking their dogs in their contrived outfits… and the nice foreign workers that serve them (and me). And I have dreams of birds and lizards that I won’t bore you with. (i know these posts tend to get repetitive when i am working out stuff in my head.)

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