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balance (2): stream of consciousness

Thursday, December 03, 2009

stream of consciousness

smoking pot is beneficial to me, more so than anything else i have tried. i think someone should study me to prove it, and help make it legal. it makes me in the mood to slow down, breathe, exercise. pick out the good things in situations. (i should probably move to cali where it is more or less legal these days- owning a little general pot store in some small california town- doesn’t that sound dreamy?)…. weed might be a cure for serious depression, but i haven’t been able to focus long enough to even smoke it lately. which is very abnormal for me. i can’t even remember to breathe! or sleep half the time!

kittens are fuzzy and calm me down too though. some of them are mean to me when I clean out their cages but i like to fight with them, like siblings (at the animal shelter nestled amongst the big warehouses on the water). a mama cat had 5 little sticky newborns this morning in her cage, that kind of freaked me out. i gossiped with the black lady in overalls there who for some reason is named jason. the asian nerdy guy stuffing envelopes and cleaning puppies is too scared to talk to me now because i rejected his overtures on facebook (but I know about his girlfriend, duh, and the last thing i want is another asian guy right now)…

i incite a lot of arguments otherwise online by being blunt. i have been accused of being aggressive. reddit.com has a section called AMA (“i am a…” slut, cryptkeeper, whatever- ask me anything… ). you ask them questions about themselves and they try to answer them all honestly (anonymously). i am tempted to do one about myself but i don’t know exactly how much to tell (“i am a fucking weirdo, AMA?”). but today we discussed seeing dead bodies, which was enlightening…

i have a hangover from drinking with a shameless drama queen i met online. it’s nice to meet someone who is, at least in her head, in a worse position than me overall. she’s a lot more normal than i am in reality- a fairly well-adjusted, but neurotic NY native lawyer who is unemployed and milks it. my male friends here in the neighborhood, with whom i would sneak late night drinks before, have all gotten girlfriends and dropped off, so she’s good timing- i still have one person to help me get away from my neurotic assed, ruminating self! it was kind of boring though without boys to flirt with (girls are dumb), so i got too drunk thinking about it. i realized i treat boys all as brothers or sons so they don’t want to sleep with me. i just like to play with them, like children. i would love to have someone hot to kiss, but am not too hung up on it.

when i am not daydreaming about that i pick through my refrigerator and hum, or surf the net for obscure somethings to pass around to people… & i am working a lot on my bed, with music from my laptop on it’s little bed desk, and my dogmate itching and staring at me until i yell at him. i love my job. except that i have to take the train upstate in the cold tomorrow and deal with people in person, hoping they can’t smell the stink of reclusivity on me. but i will get a newspaper and look out the windows on the way there. and hope life throws me a magic bone on the train. & at least it’s only once a week!... i made a cool little intranet page to keep track, and have already got my first paycheck….

christmas trees are up now, and for sale on the street. it's cold enough to see my breath. union square has a cool holiday market attached to the farmer’s market now, with lots of hipster hats for sale and tempting art. i want to collect old tools and antique instruments (of surgery and torture!) but it seems like such an effort to find them here- the city makes me lazy. oh... i watch holiday specials i haven’t seen in my 8 or so years in thailand. dr. seuss, national lampoon’s. charlie brown. nostalgic and much better than celebrating the birthday of a king in a brainwashed country, with blind fanatic worshipful gestures, and no snow! (ugh thailand!- but then when you think about it isn't the christian idea of christmas quite the same?) my roommate wants to get a tree. i might go ice skating. i might order myself a little present from santy claus.

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