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balance (2): now

Sunday, February 07, 2010

now

i slept away most of my trip back to NY on crappy budget airlines, with dreams of me trying to climb over my snoring, slobbering seat partner man with a scowl, because i'd had to pee for like 8 hours straight; me summoning fate to destroy the stepford-pretty stewardesses who never brought anything interesting (just slop) to my cramped seat, and ignored my dropped hints that it was my birthday and that i thought they should be nice to me (or else); me browsing around bleary-eyed in taipei's gray airport for something edible or clean-feeling (or perhaps some travelling scandinavian eye candy to bump into me near the bathroom ;P)... i found a little cardboard park instead, with a spooky tree, duty-free museum shops full of ghastly flourescent painted demons and jade, some calligraphy scrolls, weird tea... alaska's airport had real fur, stuffed bears and deep sea fish oils. i debated buying a weird stole made up of lots of pelts sewn together until i visualized the little screaming animals chopped down by some eskimo- eep! (moving on...). took pictures out the window of my turbulent plane, of frozen ice floes in the silvery sea and looming snowcapped mountains. got back to NY just before a huge storm hit the coast i live on (good timing!). hugged my dog-mate and tickled my plants hello.

oh the blur of jet lag and new medication adjustment (i went to a shrink last minute in bangkok to cure my chronic neurosis if possible and like a good thai doctor he dispensed me hopefully helpful pills). my trip to asia seems like a fading dream (ack!). i had a couple of immediate job interviews, which turned into offers for work. the recession might be over for me! if i don't fuck up in the negotiation of them, of course- don't want to jinx myself... i am already fantasizing elaborately about where to visit next (i think it is cuba, i've decided- before it opens back up to the states. cuba has beaches, right? i might love it). my goal is to have freedom (which equals money), even if i have to sell myself for a bit to get it. my soul ain't going nowhere, at least for now. i wonder if i could possibly find any fun or art in an office environment? at least i might be able to indulge my inner sociologist? sigh. (thinking of beaches).

otherwise, i've unpacked old homemade porno and travel videos i made with 'x' years ago in my room, and planned to watch them as soon as i figure out how (wincing i am sure, as sexing up 'x' is not in my fantasy repertoire at all whatsoever anymore); i've been taking pictures of the art and relics of my travels from south america and asia i dug out of the box i sent to myself, from thailand, in my room; found an old copy of an autobiography i did in high school (it was supposed to be 6 pages, mine was 38 in small print! ;)). snuck out into the freeze and brunched self-consciously in posh coffeehouses half awake, alone with the paper.... i am realizing that 'x' was right, that i am kind of an overgrown goth (yikes! i seriously need someone who has a brain for fashion that doesn't look anything like edward scissorhands or the cure, to take pity on me and give me a makeover so i can function in polite society! volunteers?). i have been working out strenuously in my room on my new 'gazelle' machine (it's so fun!), reading parts of classic novels on my new 'kindle' e-book reader. browsing scientific articles on the relation of ourselves to the universe (miniscule) and wondering if i should feel depressed. downloading quirky movies to escape from my room with, and fending off in text message the guys i slept with when i first arrived to NY (must be some dry spell) with admonitions that they were only one night's worthy in retrospect. :) wished there was someone interesting to be fascinated by for a bit, besides the boy who lost his chance, and my neighbor, who is unendingly sweet to me even when he knows i am not gonna sleep with him (this is a rare trait amongst men but he is constantly hooking up with other girls, so he can afford to be lax with me). i set up an appointment with a therapist since it is the thing to do in NY (pay someone to listen to you squawk), so i can hone my instincts towards being undistractedly, unemotionally brilliant, and getting what i want. let's see if it works. ;)

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