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balance (2): July 2004

Saturday, July 31, 2004

where is my mind?

sick today, but more a sickness of the head and heart than the body. one of those days i really can't communicate with anyone, least of all my best friend, who is quite often an inescapable source of mental illness in my life.

a lot of my life has been made up of dazed reeling from the realization that people are not what i thought they were. somehow i still am able to be hurt and confused by that no matter how obvious a pattern it is. sometimes human nature is just so sad. i am always looking for something or someone "real" and missing reality altogether....i won't get into that though... it's tiring. it makes me full of hatred, pain, blank blackness... and i don't like myself when i fall into that sort of futile analytical neuroses. i become haggard and spent, an old woman i never wanted to be.

my mom is dying, which is something that i never thought would happen. i always assumed she would be there for me to passionately detest & revile. i really can't tell how i feel about it- i remember times when i was little and my sister and i would climb on her lap, do her hair, paint awkward kisses on her lips, sing her songs. i remember her smell on the pillows. i remember feeling endless love for her, i suppose i just don't remember getting any back. but my memory is far more bloated with times where we would spit like demons at each other from across the room, and our twisted claws would come out if we approached within a couple feet of each other. mothers are supposed to understand their children more than anyone else on earth, but my mother and i never understood each other, and blamed each other for things that were really the fault of a third party, and this brewed a fanatical resentment that has caused us not to speak for the past five years or so. i decided long ago that her energy is only detrimental in my life. but i never considered her total absence.

life is rhythmical, even in it's disappointments. everytime i think i have things figured out something kills me and i have to start over again at square one. i dance back up to glory and someone holds a mirror up to point out errors and flaws and down i fall again.

....yeeesh. maybe this good friday just needs to be a bad friday for a bit. a new friend sent me a beautiful song to listen to, which transfixed me and made me emotional and grateful for such a small random act of kindness. i am going to put it on repeat.


Sunday, July 25, 2004

sound of silence

my house is dead silent, cool from the air conditioners and dark because the windows face the brick wall next door. the ones in the front room (mine) are covered in red drapes and filled with plants. the rest of the house (freshly cleaned) is light sandy wood and there is a humungous blow up globe in the living room. roomie and i bought beach chairs and drink coasters and painted our walls blue and yellow. we have satellite cable and a playstation. our bathtub is blue with sponge bob curtains, & since my finnish friends (drunkenly) knocked off the faucet fixtures we have to use a vice grip to turn & fill it. outside is second avenue, which is not as hipster as williamsburg brooklyn, but is so busy that it ain't friendly. just colorful. punk kids, rockers, movie stars, and hippies. it's got dojo restaurant (brown rice, fresh vegetables, and chai shakes), sushi joints, movie theaters, tattoo shops and piercing shops in case i go ballistic, drop off laundromats, parks, a church whose bells ring happily on sundays, and a toy tokyo shop practically next door. not to mention bars ahoy.



i bought a stair stepper after seeing myself under flourescent light in the dressing room today. i ate a gyro in the park at union square and pet the little beagle puppies up for adoption (which i wanted to steal, but refuse to have to abandon when i travel). i bought a ticket for tomorrow to see a movie about a pregnant girl who smuggles drugs, in spanish. i bought a bottle of wine and fresh veggies at the greenmarket. i looked for boys, weed, a life online. i mourned my inability to like america. i considered and rejected going out to drink alone. i drank root beer instead and tuned my guitar. i dragged out old paintings to look at. i did yoga and pilates in front of NPR. i wished i could have the confidence to drag my bike down the stairs and 7 blocks to the guy who fixes bikes, & think that he will have the right sized tires. sigh.

yep.

Friday, July 23, 2004

byebye x

last night x and i went to the bar in the very upscale, slightly famous plaza hotel after work (next to work). we pretended to be rich and snooty. glasses of wine were almost $11 and there was a $20 minimum per person (why? because they're rich?)... i drank mine fairly slowly but for some reason got completely smashed. maybe i have never had really good wine before?! it was ridiculous. we lounged over our bowls of assorted expensive and unidentifiable nuts and (not so) soberly appraised the floor to ceiling paintings. the waiter was ridiculously deferential and called me "ma'am". argh.i drooled and had a hard time focusing my eyes.... we finally tired of the bourgeous and tiptoed out, trying not to be conspicuous but failing miserably ....rio! i am so jealous! i told him so whining all the way home in the cab.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

uh...

guess you will have to deal with this blog. sorry, just how it is. 
 
i have been reeling in the lack of human contact again- this city. i know now it is possible to not have any contact with people except on the subway, briefly and physically. not what i'm looking for. it's lonely here! someone be nice to me!(!!) i looked online but everyone my age in my neighborhood thinks they're the next huey lewis (...heh heh). or they are looking to get married and have kids. i am not what they are looking for and they are not what i will settle for. which leaves just coworkers whose moods i have to juggle. after asia i feel like NY must be the most uptight, self-possessed city on earth.


 
anyway, there's pilates. which i have decided to do alone in my house to keep my arse from getting fat in this cold grey land.
 
and x -who's round and tickly but with whom it seems obscene to even think about sex with. more like a brother, who pisses me off most of the time.....grumble.... like now- when he's leaving for (!)rio de janeiro in the next couple of days leaving me here to mope in our (nice pretty) house.  ah well, i'll fix my bike, try to paint either the walls or the canvas. roll around on my big bed alone under the air conditioner and scream at the screaming streets out the window. make that quilt i have been thinking of (with my new sewing machine...) or play my pink guitar!. watch james dean look like a juicy little peach on tv. sigh. paint that chinese dragon head i have been meaning to hang above my refrigerator. go dancing if i am brave enough to dance alone at the 80's/dark wave music night down the street. glue myself to the t.v. whenever six feet under appears to rescue me.
 
i have to fly to chicago in a week or so. i'm terrified. bombay, kathmandu, phnom penh---- nothing. not a twinge or a shiver. but chicago. i feel like someone in dark glasses will sweep me away there. under the carpet like any little crumb. besides which I have never been one for PR.
 
had a date last weekend- a real live date and he wasn’t repulsive! unfortunately he is on the marriage warpath and all i can muster up is a half-interested seduction. it’s strange how much in fact how much i miss otto, with his soft brown skin and sweet breath in thailand.  it’s also frustrating how much of a one-man gal i am… i have never been able to just enjoy a casual fling and instead get embroiled in sticky relationships. again, i swear off men for now, including "friends", who all want the same thing from me and that is not me.
 
just sent off $25,000 to the IRS. no i am not kidding, and don’t even get me started on what nazis they are. pay your taxes when they are due, boys and girls, because this government will fuck you in the ass sooner than you can say “vote kerry”.  so now, after 7 months, i can finally start saving to travel again…. sigh… off to sob. 



my smiley date

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

new york in june

life is sometimes made up of waiting for the next tragedy. especially in new york. every twittering siren means a terrorist is climbing the wall. every summer storm is a flash flood. i think the media is trying to kill us(!) by insinuation. (((a lady gets dizzy and falls into the path of the subway train and the headlines read "cut in half"!!! a shadow of a lady wearing a towel on her head leads to "terrorists spotted in laundromat"....)))) we think. they are artists of the sickest fascination. hopping around, trying to get everyone to pay attention (and buy). the free papers on the train (clutching my coffee -now decaf, i learned quickly about anxiety with people staring- and my iPod TM) are nice right before an election. newsy with just a little yummy gossip... the zoo ads are comforting on the wall (gross pestering foot surgeon ads aren't). men stand stiffly on the R train, pretending not to notice anything but eyeing every female in peripheral sight, women cross their legs and look prim, studying each others’ shoes. headlines laze casually over their arms. luckily i agree with most of them, which have something or other against GW bush.

people come to whatever it is that is calling them here, in the bzzzy village shops- a phone, an email.... news headlines, t.v. --certainly not people, in this country. it's a calm, busy, by yourself kind of place- but luckily you do like yourself. everyone is faceless and the general hum is rat race in it’s full glory. rather grand yes, this reclusivity, at times.... & except for bills suddenly popping up (don't get those when you're travelling) i have not much at all to worry about. pleasant, lonely boredom. new york is crawling with life like an anthill. itchy. dark. tunnels. full of people. but the savoriest of damn fine food. beach chairs on a sandy wood floor, a window looking out over a clumsily stuck together brick wall. good movies to figure out before they get done.

friends, when i can claim them, which is rare in america, tend to be strays which i pick up in typically atypical ways, ie. via the internet. my collection of friends in the states includes a generous, creative, and loyal sociopath; a flitting, twinkling butterfly of a free spirited girl who makes me burn with jealousy at her constant good fortune, a tough guy long island-er with a sharp mind and paradoxical ambitions towards professional gambling, a clumsy, overweight socialite, and assorted random misfits who cling to the fringes of new york nightlife. recently i met a thai guy who promised to teach me to understand thai. he’s got to be one of the least thai looking people i have ever met - in fact his heritage is indian, which is the worst luck for him as i find it the least attractive race…. but as usual, no matter how repulsive, abrasive, awkward, or just plain crazy (in other words bad for me) people are i seem to be able to find some common thread. the problem is that most of them are male, and i have to eventually have the “no i am not sleeping with you, sorry” conversation and it all goes downhill from there. It’s hard to have a real relationship with anyone when you are a floater, and even harder if you are female, and especially freaking hard when you are in NY. it’s hard to relate to people in bars who have all 28 of their closest friends within shouting distance, who swap stories from childhood. i have always been the new girl. i don’t know peoples’ families, i have no social skills, i have always spent too much time alone to pick up cues or sharpen my wit. i am a loner and a loner i suppose I will stay- until i find another boy i genuinely want to sleep with and can adopt his ready-made set of friends (which being me i use as fodder for my constant neurotic analysis). sigh.

anyway my days are made up of trying to look busy at a most unfriendly office place and trying to stay out of the way of my reclusive ogre of a roommate. i surf for penpals online, preferably of the sexy variety. i have discovered a playstation game called 'space channel 5' to which i am addicted- i play a dancing girl called 'ulala' who must be space aliens in a dance contest (copying their moves to the beat exactly) in order to save the planet. when i am not saving the planet i am eagerly anticipating the arrival of the pink guitar i ordered online, along with a sewing machine and quilting squares, which was another whim. as i keep telling x, i need to find some way to make my life here enjoyable while i am here living it, instead of living to live in the future.


my office next to the plaza hotel, where i watch hideously rich people watch me with the disdain one can only feel towards unfortunate plebes like myself



at least my window overlooks central park, which is calming, especially when it is poking through the fog

Sunday, July 11, 2004

too lazy for old balance

welcome to my new blog. yes, i have succumbed to the blog craze, but i have to admit it is convenient not to have to update every day (or in my case, updating for a couple of weeks at a time in one sitting).
 

sorry about june- lots of things happened, but my computer was attacked by a vicious hacker whose wireless connection i was "borrowing" and i lost all my journal entries.  which was actually something of a relief as i was listless about my writing anyway. anyway, here's a couple of pics to recap.



the gay parade was, well, the gay parade. i'm not gay but it was fun checking out all the boys who are.


 

those of you who read wanderlust might remember my friends from finland, whom i met in vietnam and again later in thailand. well 2 of them surprised me with a visit. it was rather awkward as i had barely gotten on my feet in NY, but great to see travel pals as usual. we got drunk and wandered the streets on 4th of july weekend, which were desolately empty. i brought them to my house to watch 'jackass' the movie and they fell asleep on my floor.
 

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