holy crap!

bombings in bangkok tonight...

2007 hello (almost)

while watching 'borat', i found myself laughing hysterically (such a crazily offensive movie), which throughout my life (and even now) triggers hysterical crying... it was embarassing to be tickled by my ex boyfriend because i would always end up sobbing, but not because i was sad about anything! very weird response to hilarity. anyway i looked it up and found this fascinating article; have a read.

new years eve and my little village is buzzing. no one has time anymore for anyone but the tourists and their naive conversations and behaviors. we people watch each other like animals in a zoo. i bump into their fallen motorbikes, cheers them over drinks and tune them out. lots of parties going on but i am no longer a party animal. i reach out and touch people when i can, try to make them think or respond, but tourists are too transitory to bother with for the most part. instead i play with the puppies that have accumulated in my yard and doctor their various ills. i bought seedlings to plant, paints and oils, food to fatten me up. i am quite happy to work mindlessly with music or movies on, and chat with whoever stops by and makes an effort to prove themselves to me or do yoga. my only forays into anywhere are to eat or drink.

my little 'gig' has come to work on my beach, and stay with me until they give him his room tomorrow. i might as well admit to myself that he's a boyfriend, even though i am super resistant and cool. it's nice to have him around. he sleeps a lot, but he works a lot too. we have good conversations. sex is a little weird as he is somewhat tinier and younger than me, but sex will always be weird for me- period. i am trying not to suffocate him with expectations. in a way he is another puppy, but he genuinely gets me too, for which i respect him. some things he says suprise me, and not just because of his culture- he doesn't have the fake plastic smile, he's straight up.

my writing is still stifled, blocked. mostly because i can't find time to do it. i need someone to give me a writing project, am never a good self motivator unless it is for survival- a despicable trait i admit. again i am considering a trip to NY again for a little asskicking inspiration, and again i am wondering if i should bother spending the money on a place i know (though it would be responsible to get some things squared away before i continue living here). sometimes a little hitchhiking trip through the 'stans sounds divine. sometimes the excess and rigidity of america tempt me. sometimes i don't want to leave my room. but i live in a space between countries, and also between certain employment or not. what it comes down to really is waiting for my paychecks to pile in, and finding a cheap ticket. for the first time in a long time i feel like i have a choice!

let us see. sawasdee bi mai, kha!

ha

just gotta clarify something for some readers... when i referred to my 'gig' below, that is NOT short for 'gigolo', rather it is the thai word for "friends with benefits", or a casual relationship. believe me, he works harder to make his own money than most people i have ever met. i would be doing him a disservice by allowing people to think that he was "hired"... the only reason he has not graduated to "boyfriend" by now is that he is younger than i am and has no interest in a serious relationship (which when it comes to him i don't either, so it all works out!) ;) we just have fun together.

jinx

i had twin conversations with two different people tonight on IM, and they said almost exactly the same thing at exactly the same time, which just happened to be exactly what i was feeling. it was that "it's almost like for an experience to be real, it has to be shared"... if a person lives life alone, are they really alive? is there really much point to a life alone?

real hermits seem to think so. i suppose i am not a real hermit.

but then, the pool of people to choose from to share any part of your life with is not exactly sparkling, is it?. most people you can forget as soon as they leave you, or vice versa. some people have potential, but you don't connect, especially in the land of "farang" and "so-and-so leaves in two days". but i also think probably people (like me for example) put unrealistic expectations on other people to be interesting, sexy, empathetic, smart, creative, successful and kind...almost forgetting that they are real people. our meticulously built defenses quickly triptrap them before they can even begin to be good enough for us. it's kind of hard to be together as two separate, non judgemental entities. it's hard to trust someone to really like you too.

all i know is that this is (usually) the least lonely place i have ever been, except for the fact that i am alone. but if i am looking to spend my life with someone (other than my doggie) this is probably not the right place.

school of life

do you think it is possible to have been smart once, and then lost that intelligence over the years through a combination of abuses? this is maybe what has happened to me. i was a child genius. i could read novels at 4, skipped two grades, finally was put in a special school part time, was on tv... you wouldn't know it now. i think it is my emotional iq that is retarded. my ability to communicate. that part of my brain which has any sense of humor sometimes feels extinct. the ability to conjure up a sentence worth sharing feels absent most days. i have a lot of things trapped inside my neurotic and unfocused brain.

something must be in the air and water now especially, or maybe it's that i am an american that is suddenly alone again in thailand. with thais. and talk about opposite extremes in thought processes. i don't understand most of the people around me, and that includes those whose thai i can translate. there is such a complex mix of emotions and personality in thailand. americans in general are straightforward, value honesty, are generous, introspective, creative, and curious. i have said before that americans are big softies, and i keep seeing that over and over again from the tourists here. thais on the other hand, are NOT straightforward, NOT introspective, do NOT value honesty... they are hard. they smile to cover every emotion in the book so that they are basically ticking time bombs who go off at things that perplex me, while remaining cold and detached at things that drive me insane. i have to pat myself on the back for learning to survive amongst these people. sometimes it is overwhelming, and then we just shout "ba!" at each other. (crazy). but then there are those times when you do connect, just for a second, recognize yourself as human interacting with another human on a personal level. i love it, really. in retrospect i have learned so much about all people in the last year... and by extension myself. not all of it pretty.

x said he thinks travel away would do me good. many people say that to me, but i have been travelling my entire life. i am tired of travelling alone. i am tired of being alone! i feel more alive when i make real connections with people, when i have things i love around. you have to understand that part of the reason i lost my intelligence is because it was forcibly drugged out of me when i was young. my entire childhood was a hazy war zone, in which i fought to find a reason to stay alive. these days i find many reasons, every day. i am not going to die here, retire here, expire here. i will leave when i stop learning.

so- stop making me feel guilty, everyone. i am not you, you are not me. even the mistakes you see me making at times have two sides to the story. life is learning, and it might seem like i am growing down, but i was upside down to begin with.