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balance (2): January 2008

Sunday, January 20, 2008

meanwhile...

though it feels like i have gotten my life back, and i am having great fun with nice people i have met in bangkok, ignoring my problems is not, unfortunately, going to make them disappear and i am still no closer to knowing what to do next.


new friends

Saturday, January 19, 2008

love hurts

to big mama who has disappeared, i'm sorry i could not save you. you were more loyal than any human in my life.

to sick, who i have left for dead, i'm sorry i could not save you. you deserved love, not dismissal due to an inane assumption that you had bad karma.

to o, who has deteriorated into someone i would never give the time of day, i'm sorry i could not save you, though you had all the resources for saving yourself.

to m, who has abandoned himself in the face of abandonment- i promise it is not too late to save yourself. i have tried and failed and i am sorry.

to d, who is dead. i never had a chance to save you but you will always be alive to me.

to d, who will soon be dead, and who should have saved me, but ended up killing parts of me instead... i am so sorry that i was too young to know how to save you. and i am so sorry that it is far too late now.

to x, who will always save me unwittingly, i am sorry if i ever fail to save you.

...maybe it is time to save myself.

Monday, January 14, 2008

catharsis

having grown up in a hideously abusive household, i have always prided myself on not having gotten embroiled in an abusive relationship once i escaped into adulthood. people with my kind of history usually end up in a trailer on welfare with 6 kids and a drunken bastard for a husband. not me... but i have finally realized that the relationship i have had with 'm' for 2 years is seriously abusive. as a former methamphetamine addict whose good friends all died (a couple by suicide) around the same point in his life, i can understand a bit where it is coming from, but not at all why it is focused on me. 'm' is so angry at life, so furious at me!

when i was very small i learned to separate people into their bad parts and their good parts. i think of it as a survival mechanism, because to admit that some people really are as "evil" as they seem to be is so depressing as to make life unlivable. so with exception of my mother, i have always been able to defend an abusive person as being also a good person. i can see both the jekyll and hyde in them, and i always try to encourage the dr. jekyll and minimize the mr. hyde. but i forget sometimes to calculate which one shows his face more often, and in this case i have found myself in a twisted sort of codependent relationship with a dual personality who is significantly more dark than light. dr. jekyll of course is a handsome, charming, sweet, hardworking and brilliant man who professes to love me and want to make me happy. mr. hyde, who appears more and more frequently, has a pure and blinding hatred of me for no apparent reason. mr. hyde is smart enough to isolate the things that will hurt me the most and attack me with them mercilessly. he hits me in front of people, parades other girls around, has the tongue of a snake which spears me and leaves me wilted and breathless, the eyes of a demon which sear straight through to my heart. but i love dr. jekyll, and since i always know he will reappear, i have always forgiven mr. hyde.

i can't do that anymore. i realized how drastically my self esteem has dropped in the past year or so of constant friction with this person. how recently he has brought out a nasty side to me i didn't even know i had in defense...how utterly futile it is to hope he will change and show that he cares about me. i know deep down he does, and that a lot of what he does and says is in self defense, hoping to hurt me before i hurt him (i am, after all, the great white farang, and i can always abandon him, and in fact do pretty often when i travel). but his problems are not my problems, and i can not be the only one working to compromise. he needs to want to change.

so yesterday things came to a head. i was spiralling down and down into a sick pit of misery and frustration towards my life and (most unfairly) towards thai people in general. i made a sudden and heartfelt decision to get the fuck out. i packed all my stuff up in the middle of the night, tore down from the walls all the art i have collected from various magazines over the last 3 1/2 years, cleaned everything so that the house reverted back to it's pre-rental emptiness, bought a taxi ticket, bought a plane ticket to bangkok, resigned myself to having to abandon my doggies and most of my acquired belongings so as not to abandon myself... and sat back to wait in my hammock, tears streaming.... and the taxi never showed. so i missed my plane. even when i have finally made up my mind to escape, i can't escape!

it ended up being a good thing though. i spoke with my neighbor for a couple of hours- poured my heart out actually. she is the last person i should trust, but she made me feel a lot better. and afterwards my lovely friend 't' took me to have herbal tea over a quiet fire at the home of a nice israeli family in the village. they live in a magical garden of twisted treehouses, tiny kittens, and naked children turning upside down. and i remembered that there are nice people in the world, peaceful people who are happy, and some of them are even thai! ... which is what i have really needed to feel for months now, as even throughout my trip to south america there has been this disillusionment with the human race hanging over me and this paradise i have chosen as home has seemed more like a pit of evil.

so who knows. i did leave thong nai pan today. locked the boyfriend out of the house so he will be forced to move on. have been mood swinging quite a bit, from staring down the bluelit aisles of the jetplane and willing with all my might for it to crash and burst into flames, to feeling euphoric over a mai tai looking out at the khao san road circus i so love to observe. i am heartbroken, for real. it is so hard to feel love for someone and not get it back. to not be able to make it work no matter how hard you try. but i am resisting the urge to send stalker messages pleading for a metamorphosis and am slowly realizing i am better than that and can find someone who is happy and kind to me somewhere, someday. and i am sending silent pleas to whatever karma i have out there to blow a little happiness in the direction of 'm' because it is so hard to watch someone crush their own soul with bitterness.

i will be in bangkok for a week, and then (is it true?) i am flying to see 'x', ever my savior, in the phillipines.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

back

back in koh phangan and finally recovered from nightmarish jet lag. i already dearly miss travelling- a bad day travelling is still equivalent to a good day at home. but as i spent about $10k on this trip, my money has dwindled and it will be awhile before i can set out again. i am entirely of mixed feelings being back here. i think i have just become so jaded about thailand that it poisons my days here. which means it is probably time to leave if i can't find some way towards an attitude adjustment. (rant deleted). there are some petty people here trapped in small-world problems lets just leave it at that.

anyway my house and doggies were in one piece when i returned, and my ex-thai-boyfriend is still around. i never wrote about him in this blog much, but he put me through a lot of hell last year. this year he insists he wants another chance, and has been really trying hard to make up for things, but after being in the west i know i totally deserve and can find better! for now i will take it as a marriage of convenience, but there is no future for us at all. still, it is nice to have someone to cuddle with and talk to. and i do love him in a way. he is one of the smartest people i know, he just makes stupid choices sometimes. at least he managed to get his own life while i was away.

life on the beach is slow and sleepy. it's lovely to be woken up by birds and roosters and my dog licking my hand. it's nice to sit on my porch and feel the sea breeze blowing towards the jungle behind. i like running into people on the street who seem delighted to see me. i went to a half moon party for the first time in over a year and though it is kind of annoying hanging out with people who spend all night looking for a "connection" for pills, it's such fun to dance and be silly and let loose now and then. it's great to eat thai food again. it's great to be warm!

but overall i have done this place already, and the west has implanted niggling doubts in my head that weren't there before, and i am thinking of picking up one day soon and moving... possibly to bangkok, and from there who knows. if nothing else i will have to take a trip every month to get a fix of civilization. until then i am going to hunker down and replenish my cash.

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