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balance (2): May 2008

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

wheel of fortune

so after a bit of stagnation, fate has decided to raise it's sleepy head and start poking me again. it's funny how in life things all seem to happen at once, and before you know it you are suddenly inside a completely changed life!

as i mentioned i met a man last week who inspired me more than perhaps anyone in my life (besides maybe 'x') has done before. he pretty much embodied everything i want in a man, though as it turns out it was not meant to be for us. (he ended up being married, which i found out too late and which proves that all men really are bastards, even the good ones.) but let's not split hairs, as mick says "you can't always get what you want... you get what you need"... 'c' reminded me of me and i will be forever grateful to him for that! though i have had an achingly lovely simple life on the island for the past 4 years, i am not ready to settle for that yet. my life has always been bigger and more unpredictable and adventurous and sometimes harder than the average joe's. and i miss that stimulation, that challenge. that side of myself.

so i picked up and left. i really did! in a whirlwind in which i did not allow myself to think, i packed up my little house (again) and put all my things into storage at the main port. i gave away my baby dog who will most likely never forgive me (heartbreaking), but who went to a lovely israeli family with a place in the jungle (bless them). i had to abandon the other two dogs for which i will probably always feel guilty and which will surely affect my karma, but i did what i could for them, including saving 'sick's life a couple times over, and i can't give up my own life for them. i said goodbye to all my friends! the first time in my life i have actually had real friends, who know me! believe me it was hard. and i got in the taxi and i did not look back.

and still i feel no regret. when it is time it is time. so now i am on life number who knows... but i am excited! hanging out in bangkok for the time being. have run into some old (more hi-so) thai friends here and have been having fun hanging out in their lush apartments. met a fascinating male escort from my hometown in colorado who was besotted with me to an embarassing extent. had a crazy coffee date with mr. kool (whose real name i finally discovered is 'pornchai') and who is finally letting his guard down and showing me a real person behind his creepy old tantric guru facade from where he sits and picks up young victims on khao san road. met up with my recent ex 'm' and his new english girlfriend who is taking him travelling around... happy that i am over him and that he is able to have new experiences. i have found a great apartment (with a real kitchen and bathtub!) but am not sure yet if i should commit to it as i am talking to a job based in amsterdam! if i accept, i will be travelling all over europe for the next year. but ohhhh can i go so far as to part myself from asia????! i am not yet sure... we shall see. the winds of change are surely blowing in any case.

i would like to say a big "bite me" to the small minded power tripping paranoid thai drug addict who threatened my life several times in the last month because he thought i was telling all his secrets in thong nai pan (the dangers of knowing too much should not be understated in thailand). just another facilitator of change for me. and i also thank whatever god or fate or inner spirit which guides things for bringing so much positivity my way of late.

Monday, May 05, 2008

oh cruel delicious fate

apparently the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new, or so they say, but i am living proof right now that this works like a dream! fate has been exceedingly kind to me this week. it dropped my ideal partner right in my path until try as i might i could not avoid him. 'c', from NY, but filipino and drop dead gorgeous, travels all over the world selling his art... even if he is married (probable) and this was just a fling i could not be more starry-eyed and grateful. the only drawback is i am head over heels for him and we both return to our respective homes directly across the world from each other tomorrow morning. ce la vie i guess, i can't complain... if ever someone could make me forget about the vermin thai guys surrounding me it is this lovely hunk o man. if ever something were to help me re-assess what i am doing with my life without that niggling weakness that i always seem to succumb to it is him. for that i thank my fate and 'c', and wish fervently that my luck is such that i might actually find someone similar to revel in my future adventures with long term.

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