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balance (2): June 2009

Monday, June 29, 2009

lull



pooh in june

this weekend i... slept in really late! on saturday, which i needed. didn't give a crap about the rest of the world at all, which is weird for me. my contacts were all blurry, i was hot and sweaty. luckily i snapped out of that in the afternoon, which was blissfully sunny, and ventured off onto my featured routine. it was nice, as usual. i love the library, i have spent a lot of my life in it, i think i am a bookish nerd really, but wait til i get my new glasses from ebay, i'll let you know....

i tried to take pictures of the tubers on the creek but i was too busy wanting to be one of them (though i know by now i need a helmet, a life jacket, and sturdy shoes or i will be that dead person pulled out of the water they are talking about on tv). so i went and splashed in the winnie the pooh pond and instead after that i hung out, half in the shade and half in the sun on my backpack in the grass, and read the end of my stripper book by the screenwriter of 'juno' before i dropped it off.... hmm. sleepy. i wish i had a little dog. and a car! and a tent and a sleeping bag. and a horse (do i want a horse? time to get out of colorado!) and a camper. and stripping lessons. hrmm.... but knowing me i would go tent on my own in a nice pretty field full of sunflowers and a neighborly grizzled redneck would make himself comfortable on my hood (or my horse!) and try for conversation with proferred whiskey. rrrg. it's all wrong....this kind of thing is what goes through my mind.

i looked up yoga teaching though, and going to hang upside down in treehouse retreats sounds fun. taking a totally balanced and physical approach to this new life- but there are no classes any where soon. so teaching english in japan seriously crossed my mind, but i would have to be a hostess first to survive, and as we all decided earlier in this blog i can't smoke that many cigarettes. :) and i don't like japanese perverts. hrmm...

i could be a waitress. i have a secret love of diners and have even picked out my own apron, swagger, and gum snapping twang. but college girls make better waitresses and i would be mean to people i didn't like. i could go to massage school and probably end up doing my teacher. no!!!! i could be a writer... but i don't think i could take the sadism of editors. and i would have to write novels (or travel articles) and writing means i would have to give up internet work because otherwise i am on a laptop all day and night and i would congeal into a big fat pile of misery...

i could win the lottery and open up the venue of my dreams, but that is the only way i am going to do that and buy a house up on the hill next to the cemetery. (hrmmm. too bad because it is my favorite of my potential lives)... i could spend all my money on a nice old road trip car and go driving around the u.s. visiting people. in california, down to new orleans where i get involved with the wrong crowd who turn out to be hot artistic vampires!... that is what i am tempted to do...

but i know i would really rather find someone to go with me first, and i should ultimately sit my ass down, redo my website, and send out networking emails. and tell my boss that if he only knew me in my real life he might understand... so that is what i did mostly. been trying to figure out templates on blogger sites. got mine set up, but now i need it to look right. yikes! it is a lot of work. i tried making myself a logo too but it's embarassing. might have to hire someone. but for now, i am busy.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

p.s.

...unless you are reading from barcelona and thinking about offering me the contract there... i would take it ;)

Monday, June 22, 2009

rrrg


the curse of chief niwot is that one will always return to boulder

'x' thinks i am stupid. no matter what i do or say it always comes around to that, and he doesn't mince words in telling me. i guess that is why he is still one of my best friends(?!) but he isn't exactly warm and fuzzy like he used to be and i have a tendency to ignore him more than i ever did because i just don't get anything positive from him any more. right now he thinks i am stupid for refusing to live the life on offer to me here in boulder. i wonder if he is right. i really don't know.

getting out of the rat race has always been of prime importance to me. i never wanted what anyone else seems to want. i don't want a husband (a long term boyfriend is ok). i don't want children at all whatsoever. i don't really want a tract house in the suburbs and articles about agency awards on my office wall. is that wrong? it seems like it depends on who you ask! if i ask my friends in thailand they all think i am doing the right thing by building up my business and being independent. but they all saw me happy, on the island with my doggies. sitting on my porch with my laptop with enough money to go wherever i wanted to whenever. if i asked someone here in colorado (or x who hasn't seen me in years) they would think i was insane for giving up microsoft as a client, steady money and the chance to learn more... but they don't see me wanting to tear my hair out in an office with no windows. spluttering in bullshit meetings. not having ownership of my work. i don't have the family, the dogs to go home to. i don't even have decorations up in my sublet. i suppose i just don't have the commitment in me, there is no magic in this life for me. x calls me a spoiled brat. is he right? i don't know.

anyway not that there is anything wrong with people who like it here in agency x, in colorado or in any of several cookie cutter states and offices. different things make different people happy. i am sure my boss is happy with all the great accomplishments he has made in his job. i am sure my coworker is happy with her new baby and husband. i am sure the people who all go out backslapping on weekends together over beers enjoy their lives, and that's cool. but it's not me. i don't think i am better than those people. i just don't fit in amongst them. i want different things.

travellers are hard people to keep happy. essentially that is my problem, is that by nature i am an explorer. i like to devour people and places. i am a scientific observer and i need stimulation, fodder in the form of different cultures, personalities, challenges. i am never happy because my being such a being, who didn't want the status quo, puts me in such a rare demographic... and i am therefore often lonely. but i am not going to be happy staying in one place and working this job either. especially not in the winter. does that make me a loser?

i think i have decided that my compromise is to go back to my own consulting business, but within the states. see if i can succeed at that for awhile and that way i can enjoy being here. i do love the states- there is such luxury! i love being around my own culture again. i love the feeling of being back home. i love going on dates with weird, intelligent, and considerate guys who sure as hell have a lot more to offer than the trash i dated in thailand. and i love to be out in it, not sitting behind a desk all day. so i want to go back to working for myself. yeah that might be stupid, but it's what i really want. no offense to anyone. but somehow i don't think i am wrong. i don't expect it to be easy, but i usually don't fail at what i put my mind to, so a big "bite me" to those who don't believe in me, as usual.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

teeter totter buzz buzz buzz

(that is my cheer for my job).

the other day i missed the bus, on purpose to avoid someone who rides it, whom i sent a secret admirer email to... and then was madly embarassed by his receipt and acknowledgement of it!!! and i accidentally missed an important social event or two at work... but hey- that's how my life works. :) i am avoiding cakes and forced conversation (shiver!) anyway because i usually end up spluttering at social events lately. it is better to hang with myself!!! (i try to get all the details via internet but am not sure it works in this chilly warehouse i work in, with people skateboarding through. you pretty much have to go around hitting people up.) i wonder if there is anyone else out there that is introverted and extroverted as me at the same time? i have a very rich inner and independent life, but am addicted to observation and analysis of others... yet i don't like their attention on me... unless it is one on one. and i can't pretend i do! or that i care about other people's projects beyond education unless i am in control of them! is that weird? :)

i have to find balance. breathe. i am trying to enjoy my life as well as improve it here in boulder. i happen to enjoy it much more alone and on my own terms. boulder is all about wandering around enjoying things to me (the cemetery under the mountain! the kayakers on the creek! the sandwich shops and buskers! impromptu jazz bands and hippie burnouts lolling....etc.) at least when the weather isn't frigid... it's about spending time making myself (body=yoga and mind) and my life better. and making money which i am trying to be better at... and helping people which i try to do. but some things i fail at. still, don't mistake me, not all things... and i am happy! i am learning here! ...just easily distracted.

so let's see what happens.... boulder vs. what? what vs. what? ... the boy on the bus wrote back, and we had a nice conversation in which i really checked him out which was fun. time is fun when you're flying. and then i realized he was just about a week or so too late for me to hang around too much with. too serious. too much poetry on facebook with a girl with a pretty waist. :) too much of the idealistic artist that always breaks my heart and would have done it speedily. oh well. :( caught that one in time before it got to me!... but i had to take the time away from work to notice all this!... i do like my job.... but but....but at x agency there are too many people to have time to be friends with and i miss my friends... and my space to do yoga and dig through art and play with dogs and go walking and browse books and talk to people and work, alone in my room with movies or music on, and occasionally people dropping by to visit to talk about something other than the client. it sort of feels like life vs. work here! i have to put a lot of time into work in a manner in which i am not as good at as my way .... and i have to decide if i can adopt the new way or not. i'm finding balance .................hrmmm dilemma this coming back to america question. for all those who wonder! for someone like me anyway.


hottie p thanks for the conversation. both tjs you too.

Monday, June 15, 2009

blur

i have some kind of demon in me of late, or that is how it feels. been lethargic, twitchy (my eyelid is like a hummingbird wing for two days now), and have had nightmares for a week. feeling antisocial at work, and constantly cold and thus irritable in the unheated warehouse that is my office...the dark stormy weather outside hasn't helped- it has been more like october here than june... i have a little lung infection of sorts too and my skin broke out a bit, which makes no sense as i have been healthier than ever in boulder- eating organic, taking herbal and vitamin supplements, and exercising regularly!.... i blame two things- one, said weather (as much as i am enjoying boulder i know i need to be out of here for the winter. i get too much s.a.d.) and the other is silly enough, but in the mornings i read the paper on my bus ride into work, and there is a local crime blotter listing. weirdly enough, a lot of the crime seems to happen right in my neighborhood, even though it is pretty upscale. the other day a girl woke up to find a man crouched at the foot of her bed a block away... so i am eyeing the many transient hippies suspiciously and sleeping with a butcher knife under the pillow. i am sure new york, bangkok, and everywhere else i have been in were just as bad, but i never read about it there! and the more i think about that sort of thing, the more i feel i will attract it!

anyway, i have a new pet pigeon family, who lives on my balcony. i tried to scare them away but they are dumb as rocks and very stubborn... they made a nest in the corner and i haven't had the heart to throw it away. so the mama comes and sits on her eggs all day and the daddy comes to visit the mama periodically. they throw me worried glances but have otherwise made themselves a cozy little home.

i am madly in love with netflix- with their service i can watch whatever movies i can think of and i have been gorging on their independent films section. between that and eBay and the local college radio station (1190), who needs a social life?!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

wings

so cold tonight i could see my breath (in june?!), and all i wanted to do was to curl up and watch movies- but alas my internet connection was mysteriously down, so my netflix account was sadly inaccessible. rather than sit in and mope about being lonely, i made myself ride my bike a few blocks down to the coffeeshop, to watch a poetry slam i have been hearing about. i was a little hesitant not only because i am very shy to enter a room full of curious people alone, but because i assumed that the poetry in a place like boulder would be bland and unimpressive... however i'd forgotten that boulder was once a great hub for a lot of the poets of the last century- most prominently the beats- such as jack kerouac, and bukowski, who drank and smoked and coughed up their lines urging people to live their insides out from the very street i live on. i am happy i made myself go out, it was a great night. some of the men there had been reading for four decades! there was great prose, a few hilarious short stories, and poetry set to swing beats. and it wasn't this "woe is the black man" stuff you get ad nauseum in NY. anyway... afterwards, buzzed on hot chocolate and with words dancing skittishly in my head, i raced home with cheeks flapping, through the dark empty streets on my bicycle, to my cozy home which smells of garlic from the raviolis i made myself earlier, and have started a hot bath with smelly fuming salts in which i will lounge with a glass of wine and contrive poetry of my own into the wee hours of the night, which i will never have the courage to read in public.

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