ch-ch-ch-changes

well, as much as i was trying to enjoy living in bangkok, it is getting to me now. if i am going to be in a city, i want to be in a real city and be making real money. i think the biggest problem here is i am in a very rare demographic- a 32 year old single white woman with no ties who works from home. not many like me in the land of sexpats. i am bored to death and lonely. so i have been exploring other options.

hawaii (which for some reason keeps popping up in my life a lot - even aside from the marathon of 'lost' on dvd i have been having this month....mmmmmmmmmmm sawyer) would be my first choice now- but reading up on it i have realized it is as expensive as NY. and i don't think i could cut it telecommuting from there as the reason i can get those jobs in thailand is that i lower my rate a bit from what i make in the states. so... there being few to no IT jobs in hawaii, i guess i am going to have to put it on hold for a bit, or just make it a vacation spot until i get some connections there. other options- japan? also expensive and i am thoroughly sick of asia. europe? nah... basically i am thinking of heading back to NYC, despite the upcoming winter! i just keep having romantic visions of a cozy little flat with a fireplace, wearing fuzzy wool socks with cinammon candles burning and billie holliday playing as the snow melts on the window... i know real life is not like that, or the novelty wears off quickly at least, but i guess i sort of miss winter, manhattan, artists and intellectuals, good food, easy money, etc....

i could be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, as moving back to NY will take pretty much all my savings. plus there will be taxes to pay and it will be hard to convince jobs i can't come in to work in their offices (or i will go mad). and NY is very, very lonely for singles, at least for the first few months until you meet people. but i can save about triple the cash i do from thailand (giving me a lot more options), and i don't have to put up with thai idiocy. it is nice to actually be going there of my own accord rather than because i have to for once.

it will be weird to go there without 'x' (my ex- best pal for 12 years) this time. but i have been thinking about him a lot recently and though i grieve at the loss of him, i have realized what an uncaring and bad influence he has been on my life anyway. (rant censored.) so what i am thinking is it is actually a really good thing that he isn't in my life or in NY any more! and i have a clean slate to make a newer and better life for myself there, at least for a year or so. it could be good.

so thinking of heading back october 1! eep.


some recent random pics in bangkok:


art on khao san road




a bum sleeping in the street




my good friend 't' with two guys we met from NY




barbara tucker (soul singer with house djs) who we saw play at Q bar

$?

it occurs to me i should do something real with this blog..............................nah.

doom and gloom

i have been in a pretty much solid good mood for a couple of weeks now (i think due to my self hypnosis tapes, don't knock 'em til you try 'em), but it is inexplicable really given the general feeling around. it's not only the economy woes (which do scare the hell out of me as i am basically out of work right now, living off my savings until something else pops up- luckily it always seems to, so it is a matter of waiting until then and trying not to be neurotic about it). there is also the news of war which always makes me start imagining world war 3 which i think is ultimately inevitable in my lifetime. then there is the out of control corruption in thailand. the headlines are pretty unavoidable lately, and some hit close to home! the animal care place in koh phangan was bombed, apparently by pissed off locals (though what exactly an animal care place could do to piss anyone off is beyond me). there are also various stories of corrupt police activities including a really disturbing one today in which an officer and his gang kidnapped a guy and his five kids, apparently killed the guy, took the kids for ransom from their family, and ended up killing the 14 year old girl by beating her severely (she had 2 broken arms) and then running over her with their car again and again until they were sure she was dead. fucking hell. they needed money for gambling!!!! ...so much greed in this country! not like my country doesn't have problems too, but there is not such a calloused lack of empathy and the type of corruption that is so rampant here. in thailand, the police are the scary criminals! the good people are suckers! from my post on the lonely planet site on the topic of thailand's hope for future progress being bleak:

I had a conversation with a Thai guy once in which I was trying to explain that people from my country really value honesty and straightforwardness, and he scoffed and berated us as being stupid for that. Other Thais have talked about kind, generous, and honest people as being "too soft", as if those were despicable qualities. I have come to the conclusion based on those conversations and my witnessing a number of people screw another number of people here, that Thais do not have any moral code. This could be a fault in their education system, but if you look at the west, you will see that most of our media has a moral lesson inherent in it. We are taught from birth to help others, stay within the law, and we feel guilty or get punished if we do something intentionally to hurt another. It obviously doesn't work out like that all the time in the West, but overall, people do have empathy for each other and avoid setting each other up for failure, and are generally law-abiding. Thais do not have these inclinations or the resulting guilt if they don't follow them. The more sly and underhanded people are here, the more respect they seem to get. I don't really see how if this is the case, there is any hope for Thailand's future. They have got to see how every time corruption is allowed to slide, it is another wound in the side of the whole country. Rampant corruption is great for those who have money to get themselves out of trouble, but not for the poorer folks, and it will always be very unfortunate for those who are set up. But (the majority of) Thais have never learned to stand up for themselves and stick by any morals they have.

... okay rant over for now. in other news... well not much news. been going out a lot more lately- some friends have come up from koh phangan to stay with me, and i met a few new ones online. realized i am getting a little old to go out and drink a lot though, it seems to be the thing to do but i just regret it the next morning, and then going out appeals less and less and being a hermit in my house appeals more and more. i don't know what is going on with me but i have been looking up real estate and thinking of buying property and settling down a bit- but then again i am a total commitment phobe so doubt that will end up happening. i also have been reading a lot about hawaii as a place to move to (asian influence but in america, island geography and weather, etc.) so in other words, as usual, i have no idea what i am doing. :) at least for now i am happy though.

~~~~~~~

i am actually really enjoying living in bangkok. all the more so because i am alone here. i have no one to answer to! on the one hand this is the first time i have really lived in thailand without a thai boyfriend of sorts or even thai friends to rely on (not to mention friends, period). on the other hand, that is great! i can make this city whatever i want it to be!

so this morning i got up and volunteered to re-organize the two biggest travel websites in this region for free, as a side project. that might have been dumb. but i figure it might pay off eventually somehow, and if nothing else i will get credit for their re-orgs.

then i went and wandered around chatuchak market. as much as i have gone off thai guys i still wouldn't mind a hot artist boyfriend who has enough money to come build a little place with me on the islands. so i loitered around the art section hoping to find someone of interest, but really only met a couple of japanese tourists. not that that is bad, except for the tourist part. (oh- as a side note, i have convinced my japanese crush taka to come to egypt and morocco with me in jan!).

one thing about chatuchak is it has an extensive pet section. it is bad because they sell animals who are endangered. i saw some gorgeous turkey vultures today, as well as some other birds i am certain should not have been for sale, along with the kittens, snakes, scorpions, flying squirrels etc.... they also have breeding farms where they churn out loads of puppies and kittens. they showcase them in wooden boxes, piled on top of each other in the heat, with no water or fan in some cases (bangkok is HOT!). it is sad looking at these babies and knowing they will more than likely die soon. but i also selfishly love it because you can go up and play with all of them- fuzzy golden retrievers, obstinate pit bull puppies, tiny little chihuauas that look barely of this world. i figure at least they get a few minutes of love from me in their lives. and i get a fix of cuddling with something that loves me unconditionally. i would love to take all of them home and it is actually lucky i cannot. i almost bought a baby hedgehog today because that is something i can actualy manage in my apartment, but i had all kinds of foresight about my eventually leaving thailand and having nowhere to leave my little 'spike', so i left him there, with his little snout pressed against the wall of his box, looking forlorn.



after chatuchak i headed to khao san road. i like khao san because it is a good mix of farang and thai culture. the cooler thais hang out there, and there are always newbie farangs to pick up and dazzle with my expat status. i enjoy the resulting conversations. i don't even have to make an effort other than going and sitting at a roadside cafe with a beer. someone always introduces themself. tonight was an irish guy named ken. he was very typically irish, and pretty conservative and generally not my type at all. but the thing with irish is that they know how to drink. so though ken kept insisting he was a nice guy who was not trying to get into my pants, drinks kept appearing in front of me, and he refused any payment from me. it was ok until i was way too drunk already and he kept insisting on more drinks. i took him to a dark bar full of dancing people. he insisted he had never danced in his life. i told him i was leaving and to pretend he was a different person for the next hour and see what happened. hopefully he stayed there and had a good time, picked up some hot girl and danced his hiney off. but as he followed me to my taxi begging to come home with me until i slammed the door in his face and my (very cool) driver peeled off with a screech, i doubt he did that. too bad for him.

unfortunately though, that leaves me very drunk with a brand new oven in my apartment and various chocolate chip cookie recipes yet to be utilized at 1am. i am going to try to get up early enough to go to an introductory pilates course in the morning.

bohemian rhapsody

i haven't been to the theater in years, so though i had no one to go with and tickets were expensive, i sucked it up and went to see 'we will rock you', based on the music of queen, which i happen to love. it wasn't the best production i have ever seen but it had some great characters and i enjoyed it a lot- recommended.



i also saw batman: the dark knight on imax.... was disappointed that there was not more beefcake shown by christian bale, whom i have been in love with since 'the prestige'. heath ledger was great but otherwise i thought it was just another overblown hollywood blockbuster. but then, i am a girl ;).

stay tuned for the next episode of elocin's pointless reviews from the land of (fake) smiles.

ahhh

i don't know exactly why but there has been a very dark and bitter vein to my mood lately, so i escaped for the weekend to koh samet. i hadn't been there in about 4 years, and it's only a couple of hours from bangkok. it's amazing how different i feel out of the city! i am definitely not a bangkok kind of girl- but the fact that i can easily get to nice places from here whenever i want kind of balances that out i guess. so anyway, it was really crowded when i got to the island due to the long weekend for buddhist lent, and it was full of upscale bangkok couples dressed in long sleeves and hoods to avoid the sun. i got a room on the beach- immediately greeted by kittens, dogs, and a whole crew of gorgeous japanese guys. immediately went for a massage (which was embarassing because the girl told me to change out of my dress into some loose pants she gave me, and all i had on was my bikini and loose pants... the old lady getting massaged next to me bitched in thai the entire time about how farangs really should cover up!)... had a nice banana and coconut shake reading the 3rd (and best) book in the phillip pullman series on a beach chair under a shady umbrella, pushing my toes into the white sand.



later on got cleaned up and wandered to jep's, which has nice barbecues on the beach. it was full of huge groups at tables- i was the only solo traveler there. i read my book and downed a few drinks, until i looked around drunkenly and realized i was depressed and lonely. i had just finished a complex fantasy where i looked at the people sitting at the next table and said sadly "i bet you never thought you'd be the last people i'd see", and i pulled a gun out of my bag and shot myself in the head, blood splattering all over their pad thai, when a swedish girl interrupted my reverie and invited me to come sit with her and her friends (two english teacher girls from bangkok). i agreed and after a bottle of crappy thai wine we were all pretty drunk. we stumbled around looking for something to do, and ended up at silver sands bar (which should now be re-named silver sands gay bar, we realized with chagrin) for their full moon party on the beach. i said hi to my little thai friend keng, who still remembered me from my previous visits and whom i can't believe is still working in the same place night after night, poor guy. we all drank a few buckets and danced on the beach, at one point a japanese guy came up and shoved his special banana cake in my mouth- i think i gave him my number. later on i was belligerently drunk and when a slight, campy english guy came over and tried to pick up me and the swedish girl, i berated him for not being true to himself and told him he was obviously very gay. i am surprised i got away unscathed. the english teachers disappeared early on, so 's' (the swedish girl) and i stumbled home on the beach, pausing to dip our toes in the surf and pee behind bushes. she left me halfway so i had to walk to the next beach in the pitch black, with random dark shadows whispering around me and calling out "sexy" (thai guys are just as bad as anywhere)... probably one of the scariest walks home i have ever taken in fact. but i got home feeling pretty blissed out and thanked all the gods or fate or whatever for giving me the kind of night i really needed, before passing out to sweet dreams.



the next day i finished my book on the beach chair and slept early, enough said. and then i was back to the grind of the city. at least i got to catch up on the sopranos though, which is my new favorite show.

bingo

found a great website with an overview of Bangkok's art scene (which I admit I didn't realize existed): Art Scene TV


also, am ecstatic to discover ChefsXPress and FoodByPhone!!! so now, even though i am a hermit and friendless and have no one to go out with at night, i still can sample the great food of this city. :)

art

just as i was saying there are not many creative people in thailand, i have run into all kinds of art. not sure where these artists are hiding, but they do exist. today there was a free thai modern art exhibit at siam paragon shopping center, which made my day. my one criticism of thai art is that it is mostly traditional stuff like buddha faces rather than anything unique or progressive (still, at least they are doing something, which is more than i can say as i have an utter lack of artistic creativity!). but there were a few really interesting pieces on display today... unfortunately, my camera is still crappy, so i just got a few pics, and nothing translates as well digitally...

tourist

i read that bangkok received 'travel & leisure' magazine's best city in the world award (?!) and couldn't help but scoff. but in an effort to change my attitude about this place, i played tourist this weekend. considering i was a tourist when i fell in love with thailand, i thought it might help. so i spent the weekend getting a manicure and pedicure at MBK, a long massage, eating great food, taking the canal boat to people watch on khao san road, and hanging out in chatuchak market (found the art section, which was small but great!). i pretended i couldn't speak any thai and even dressed like a backpacker. it was pretty fun! and i noticed that thai people are much nicer when they think you are leaving soon!


the muslim guy who makes tea at chatuchak




art gallery in chatuchak



considering the US economy is going to pot, i might as well suck it up and enjoy living cheaply while i can, and realize that just because familiarity breeds contempt, doesn't necessarily mean the grass is greener on the other side (there- filled some kind of quota for triteness today)... i am sure if i were back in NY i would be just as lonely and pining for the lushness of thailand.

i think i might have to give myself a beach getaway soon though!

bangkok life

i just realized i never posted about my new apartment on here! well, it's pretty nice, coming from a thai style place on the island that didn't even have running water. here is a tour:



bedroom




kitchen




living room




bathroom- a western toilet and bathtub!!! yippee!




balcony- with a bangkok version of the "jungle" :(




my neighborhood- yikes

.....................bored...

if there is one thing that thailand is missing it seems to be really creative, progressive, intellectual people. i thought it was because i was hiding out on a party island before but even in bangkok- everyone is so dull and normal (well maybe not normal, maybe just dull), and that includes the foreigners, not just the locals! i miss artists and musicians and writers! i miss NY, where everyone is doing something, even if it is pretentious at times!!!! i can barely muster up any inspiration myself here...

compassion and sentimentality

been thinking about volunteering in an orphanage in bangkok for a bit, not because i like kids much at all, but for an inherently selfish reason- being that helping other people helps me forget about my own problems. even thought of going so far as to volunteer at a hospice for AIDS patients, but after reading some very thought-provoking reflections on the work by a western medical volunteer in lopburi (see this e-book and this website, with some horrifying pictures of the patients), i realized that i might not be such a compassionate person as i like to think. it is interesting, actually (and a point brought up in the writings above), that thais seem to have little or no compassion for their fellow beings. from a western viewpoint they have no moral code. but in general, thais are very happy, socially well adjusted people who are not plagued with the neuroses of westerners. westerners are over-sentimental. i realized this yesterday when i was watching 'hancock' (which i loved, as right now i can relate to the feeling of having tried to do good things for people only to have them turn around and call me an "asshole"). but like i have said before, americans especially are big softies. and actually, that is the source of a lot of our problems. in our efforts to "care" for people, we overanalyze and complicate. we suffocate others with our lists of "rules" for being "good". we overdramatize situations to extract more "meaning" out of them. we get involved in other people's business in the name of "helping" them. since i have moved here i have been constantly disgusted by the Thais' inclination to detach themselves- it used to make me crazy when my ex scowled at me and called me "too soft". but i am starting to see that in actuality, this detachment, this not thinking too much, lends harmony and strength to their society. they live and let live, they have a realistic rather than idealistic view of things, and in the end, this might be more "compassionate" than what we as westerners view compassion. it is really hard to wrap your mind around it when it is not what you have been taught since birth.

anyway, in my own life, my neuroticism will be the death of me if i don't find some way to curb it, which doesn't entail my going on some sort of drug binge or shooting myself in the head. my sensitivity and sentimentality are not admirable traits, i am realizing. for instance, i take other people way too seriously. and since they do not reciprocate, i am always let down and feel my efforts are wasted. my best friend of 12 years has recently dropped me with no explanation. he went so far as to block my phone calls and emails, and i really have no idea why. rather than letting him go to find himself and worrying about my own life, i have gone through a couple of embarassing phases of stalker-like behavior, trying to analyze it from every angle and force him to talk to me and remain my friend. it doesn't make me feel better (in fact i feel like shit because i am constantly dwelling on it), it doesn't make him feel better (if he even cares at all). but it is something i up until this point i have not been able to control- obsessive thinking, trying to manipulate a situation into my version of what is "good" rather than let it and the people involved in it be. maybe i need to really look at the Thai way of doing things.

i have decided though that people in general are really detrimental to my happiness, and i need to stop focusing on them and trying to make sense of their behavior and instead worry about my own (remember that people are bastards and i am the only perfect one who knows everything ;)). and because i don't have much choice in the matter anyway (working from home in bangkok) i have decided that becoming a hermit for awhile might be the best course of action for me. i am not ready for any kind of relationship with any person right now. and to be honest, i am pretty happy doing my own thing alone here as long as i don't start thinking too much!!!! so out with the old, in with the new, i don't expect much of interest to happen in the next 6 months as i am bored to death of thailand... so i need to build up my strength and my bank account again for a bit, and when my lease is up in 6 months i will probably move on to a newer, better life.

been thinking of where to go next. my little sister (an arabic major) would like to go to egypt and morocco in december. a possibility (and a guaranteed travel partner)! the guy i work with and i are talking about starting an interactive agency with an office in hong kong. i still have a niggling desire to go live in japan and force a japanese boy to marry me. and also a desire to go back to the states (NY or SF) for a bit and luxuriate in my own imperfect but mostly logical culture. in the end, i might just spin a globe and see where my finger lands.




my friends' wedding party

x's

in my quest for meaning today i started analyzing, which is a loop-de-loop for me for sure. but i realized that the one thing that always seems to get me in trouble is i get a little too close for my own good. as my friend says "you go right for the jugular every time, don't you". it's true. i am not a small talk kind of girl. i like to get personal. i like to get close. i like gory details (and will also give them freely). it is amazing to see what kinds of reactions i get. most people love it! in my time in the land of revolving-door tourists, it was funny to see all the popular party people come through with all their "friends"... and i would sit them down for one of my intrusive conversations, and they would be uncomfortable and awkward- but the number of those people who have returned for more, and who have stayed in touch with me long after they are gone justifies my interest in them, and they appreciate the fact that i try to be real. i won't apologize for that. i love dragging people out of themselves!

there is the other whole side to it, though. especially in thailand, which is not a straightforward, honest, or intimacy-inclined culture at all. but even some of my own people think if you know too much about them that you own them, or you have power over them, and they don't give that up lightly! my most intense relationships have entailed my trying to gingerly push my hand through the gnashing teeth and claws to get to pet the head. and i have failed in a couple of those. some people can not trust another person enough to have that sort of intimacy. they are defensive. they get offended. some are just too damned shallow! some people hate themselves. and some people just have too much to hide.

anyway if nothing else it does narrow down the list to the ones who matter. and i am happy to have a few who do matter that keep in touch, and hope that the few who are so reluctant to be on that list (yet still are due to my feelings for them) will eventually let down their defenses and let me love them too. :)

"This above all, to thine own self by true." - William Shakespeare

hippity hop

my friend keeps saying to me i am too indecisive because there are too many options... when you are free to have anything you want, how can you choose one thing?

so yes, i am indecisive, as usual. starting to get cold feet about putting down a deposit on an apartment and signing a six month lease in bangkok. bangkok!? this is not where i have ever wanted to be. bangkok has none of the things i have come to live in thailand for (nature, birds and chickens to wake me up, crickets to sing me to sleep, dogs (love!) playing on beaches, music under the moon, drives through the jungle, friends visiting the porch, authentic thai food picked from the yard and served by neighbors i know and all that goes along with that lush rural life).... it also really doesn't have all the benefits of a real city like NY, such as much art and culture, single men i am attracted to (thai men are totally OUT), intellectuals, and decent nightlife.... i have been telling myself that once i move into a real place things will be better. once i start doing my yoga regularly again, getting more work done (and thus replenishing my money), learning to speak thai at last, listening to self hypnosis mp3s telling me i am ok (seriously), everything will be fine! :) but if i took such a big step as to leave a life that i really loved, isn't it a little bit weak to not keep going? thailand has little of the magic that it used to have for me. the thai people, frankly, annoy the crap out of me these days (i have met some horrible people in this country and though there are horrible people everywhere the cultural differences here seem to exacerbate things). the foreign people i meet aren't the best element of society either (not surprising that the most disturbed and deviant of my friends was my introduction to this place years ago). and i have learned that i am too open and too soft for a place so full of secrets and corruption as here. the longer i stay here the more i am afraid i will lose myself.

but the one problem i always face is where to run? i love to travel but i am no longer the happy innocent of the early days of my blog (i am sure that is reflected in the fact that i rarely write anything about my real daily life on here any longer!)... and as was proven on my south america trip, i am weary of travelling completely alone.

not that i am complaining... i suppose i am just spinning in circles again and looking for advice that no one can really give except myself... but after all the natural disasters in asia lately, and other tragedies that have hit close to home, i know i am very lucky and don't know why happiness is always so elusive. i do have to wonder though, especially after analyzing said deviant friend recently before i wrote him off for good, if you get most things you want in life, if you are able to realize your fantasies, does the fact that there is not much left to fantasize about make you unhappy and bitter? how ridiculously ironic that would be. and how stupid of me if that is the case. guess i had better set out to find something of more meaning.

... and there it is i think. meaning. that is what my life lacks. no close family, few close friends, no lover, no religion, no political fervor, no real philosophy that i live by other than trying to be true to myself, no passion...

i need to rediscover my passion, and go with it.

666

RIP "daddy".

yawn

chances are you readers are bored with my blog, or at least with checking to see if it has been updated and finding not. anyway i see via my tracker that it is basically the same handful of people coming to visit over and over again. i will try to be more consistent! even though some of you arrive at this page after entering such eloquent keywords as "fuck thai girls" and "cowboy gigolos". (?!)

there is so much happening and nothing happening at the same time. it has been a strange few weeks. i have spent the last month living in a small air conditioned cave of a hotel room- pecking at my laptop most of the day and then slinking out at night to pick up tourists to shock with knowledgeable anecdotes over drinks, or to flirt with old (mostly "hi-so" thai) friends, who drag me to fancy bars full of upscale escorts in hair extensions and stilettos (men really are all the same). sleeping til after noon and repeating the process.

i was stuck in a loop for awhile in which i had 5 tedious interviews spread over a couple of stressful, dislocated weeks, with an american company that almost convinced me to move to amsterdam and service their clients in 9 european countries, all expenses paid. it was a difficult decision but by the 5th interview i was so annoyed by their uptight drillings, and realized there was no way i could go into an office every day 9-5 and work with these people, even if it was in one of my favorite cities. besides, the clients were spread out over eastern europe- mostly horribly cold, depressing countries which i would be visiting in the heart of winter. so i didn't take the job. i have to admit i have agonized over that decision since, but as a friend says, one should always make every decision the right decision.

so since the 1st i have moved up just slightly into a "serviced apartment", which is basically a glorified hotel room, nearer to the skytrain and having a gym/pool/sauna which i have thus far had to myself in my tentative forays in. i can no longer wander out the door and run into good looking tourists, which has it's drawbacks, but i have a lot more time to focus on reeling in projects, which is top priority for now as my cash is worryingly low. i have been looking into taking a thai course and picking up an occasional gig as an extra in films, just to stimulate some sort of social life.

for the future though, i am undecided. i am happy in a way to still be able to lounge in the tropical weather in the midst of bangkok mayhem. i am happy to have a western toilet, gourmet supermarkets, and movie theaters at my disposal. but i know i won't last here for long. i am trying very hard not to think about my dogs, which i left behind, though it is tempting to rent another cheap house either on the safer, more convenient side of koh phangan or on another island and reunite my poor little family. or i could avoid the whole asia trap completely and take off back to NY for the summer. or i could go travel somewhere new- if i can handle the isolation. thinking, thinking... what else is new.

wheel of fortune

so after a bit of stagnation, fate has decided to raise it's sleepy head and start poking me again. it's funny how in life things all seem to happen at once, and before you know it you are suddenly inside a completely changed life!

as i mentioned i met a man last week who inspired me more than perhaps anyone in my life (besides maybe 'x') has done before. he pretty much embodied everything i want in a man, though as it turns out it was not meant to be for us. (he ended up being married, which i found out too late and which proves that all men really are bastards, even the good ones.) but let's not split hairs, as mick says "you can't always get what you want... you get what you need"... 'c' reminded me of me and i will be forever grateful to him for that! though i have had an achingly lovely simple life on the island for the past 4 years, i am not ready to settle for that yet. my life has always been bigger and more unpredictable and adventurous and sometimes harder than the average joe's. and i miss that stimulation, that challenge. that side of myself.

so i picked up and left. i really did! in a whirlwind in which i did not allow myself to think, i packed up my little house (again) and put all my things into storage at the main port. i gave away my baby dog who will most likely never forgive me (heartbreaking), but who went to a lovely israeli family with a place in the jungle (bless them). i had to abandon the other two dogs for which i will probably always feel guilty and which will surely affect my karma, but i did what i could for them, including saving 'sick's life a couple times over, and i can't give up my own life for them. i said goodbye to all my friends! the first time in my life i have actually had real friends, who know me! believe me it was hard. and i got in the taxi and i did not look back.

and still i feel no regret. when it is time it is time. so now i am on life number who knows... but i am excited! hanging out in bangkok for the time being. have run into some old (more hi-so) thai friends here and have been having fun hanging out in their lush apartments. met a fascinating male escort from my hometown in colorado who was besotted with me to an embarassing extent. had a crazy coffee date with mr. kool (whose real name i finally discovered is 'pornchai') and who is finally letting his guard down and showing me a real person behind his creepy old tantric guru facade from where he sits and picks up young victims on khao san road. met up with my recent ex 'm' and his new english girlfriend who is taking him travelling around... happy that i am over him and that he is able to have new experiences. i have found a great apartment (with a real kitchen and bathtub!) but am not sure yet if i should commit to it as i am talking to a job based in amsterdam! if i accept, i will be travelling all over europe for the next year. but ohhhh can i go so far as to part myself from asia????! i am not yet sure... we shall see. the winds of change are surely blowing in any case.

i would like to say a big "bite me" to the small minded power tripping paranoid thai drug addict who threatened my life several times in the last month because he thought i was telling all his secrets in thong nai pan (the dangers of knowing too much should not be understated in thailand). just another facilitator of change for me. and i also thank whatever god or fate or inner spirit which guides things for bringing so much positivity my way of late.

oh cruel delicious fate

apparently the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new, or so they say, but i am living proof right now that this works like a dream! fate has been exceedingly kind to me this week. it dropped my ideal partner right in my path until try as i might i could not avoid him. 'c', from NY, but filipino and drop dead gorgeous, travels all over the world selling his art... even if he is married (probable) and this was just a fling i could not be more starry-eyed and grateful. the only drawback is i am head over heels for him and we both return to our respective homes directly across the world from each other tomorrow morning. ce la vie i guess, i can't complain... if ever someone could make me forget about the vermin thai guys surrounding me it is this lovely hunk o man. if ever something were to help me re-assess what i am doing with my life without that niggling weakness that i always seem to succumb to it is him. for that i thank my fate and 'c', and wish fervently that my luck is such that i might actually find someone similar to revel in my future adventures with long term.

visa run

in vientiane, laos and wishing there was something interesting here to write about or take pictures of but this is one of the sleepiest "cities" in the world. there is even a curfew! i am here to renew my visa for thailand, and it is quite inconvenient really, having to go all the way across the country and out just to get back in again. at least i get a little break away even if laos is rather blah. i suppose i saw enough of this country 5 years or so ago when i was here last (see here)- even back then i thought it was thailand's quieter, less glamorous younger sister. it's funny, i didn't realize then that all the people around me basically spoke thai (didn't understand the language then). back then i was more open and adventurous, and also a lot more naive. i don't remember questioning everyone's motives back then. i also of course did not feel so at home amongst temples, stray dogs, and tuk tuks. i never would have guessed at that time that by this time i would be living in asia.

lately i am not sure that's a good thing! do i want to live in asia? i have gotten past the culture shock, gotten past the challenges of getting set up and succeeding in a foreign country. had a couple long and tumultuous relationships. made some good friends. managed to be happy for awhile. but what's next? what kind of future can i possibly have here? am i retiring here? am i going to (be able to) buy land and build a house here? make a business? am i going to live alone in a quiet village with a bunch of dogs for the rest of my life? am i giving up on the rest of the world?

the answer remains to be seen even for me.

new year

i think it is now the year 2552 in thailand, but not sure at all. anyway, here is a pic from the water fight!

better now :)

i think the night i wrote that last post was the last night i felt bad. phew! happy again now. cut off the supposed best friend who doesn't act like one, refused to let the boyfriend back. drove all around the island today for fun. been hanging with nicer people. finished the work i did have... everything is good.