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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

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Tuesday, March 09, 2010


my friend makes this crazy software. one version lets you install it remotely onto someone else's phone, and you can track everything they say or text as well as their location! i admit i might have used that on the promiscuous and lying 'x' at one point in our long ago relationship! (bastard)... otherwise, my friend has some government buyers at the ready, and has already made tons of money... flexispy. tell your friends.

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Tuesday, March 02, 2010


today the clients i met with were: a witty and mustaschioed astronaut/rocket scientist who shot playful but honest barbs from the hip to the aged, eccentric (almost bouncing!) professor and inventor at NYU who was visiting...there was a droning neuro-something-or-other-scientist cohort whom everyone pretty much ignored, until he whispered something brilliant, loudly enough, from the phone. some very intelligent, technically inclined millionaire investors (who feel like nabes), and the salesman/ideator cowboy who keeps them (and us) all lassoed in... on my side there is a brilliant scraggle-faced developer who can talk about or slap out anything technical and whose startups made him a well-networked millionaire when he was (is) younger than i. and a smart fancy agency girl who keeps track of who is doing's nice to be amongst such great minds, especially in NY!!! i have not been involved in the strategic side of things before! i can't handle it for too much of the time (too many people!), and my job is ultimately to take away and map out structurally/visually the results of all this thinking... to build a new software application. which is intimidating because i wasn't always paying attention ;P ... but at least i am over my social anxiety (good meds) a bit. and it is very interesting to me....

i think what helps in this company (small agency) i am working for is that they are friendly, accommodating, the office has soft lighting and dark corners, it's a big old loft on the hudson river that is quickly being constructed into a much bigger office. they try to be casual. i don't have to be there except for important meetings, which yesterday was my being driven super recklessly by our verbose and happy client in a car with my teammates out to the countryside in new jersey, past snowmen and lakes, where we went to this other businessman's mansion, played with his super fluffy dog next to a fireplace, envied his spoiled happy kids, and drank wine from his private winery next to his extremely expensive sportscars!!!! it was nice, to say the least. i could work like this pretty regularly off and on i think. i just can’t do the 9-5!

…the only problem is they are short term, part time, and don't pay much...! I have to spend all my extra time looking for a better job! :(

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Thursday, February 25, 2010

freedom = progress

this guy isn't as articulate as i would like him to be, but he has great points.

why you can't work at work

Friday, February 19, 2010


blah-dy fucking blah. this blog.

Sunday, February 07, 2010


i slept away most of my trip back to NY on crappy budget airlines, with dreams of me trying to climb over my snoring, slobbering seat partner man with a scowl, because i'd had to pee for like 8 hours straight; me summoning fate to destroy the stepford-pretty stewardesses who never brought anything interesting (just slop) to my cramped seat, and ignored my dropped hints that it was my birthday and that i thought they should be nice to me (or else); me browsing around bleary-eyed in taipei's gray airport for something edible or clean-feeling (or perhaps some travelling scandinavian eye candy to bump into me near the bathroom ;P)... i found a little cardboard park instead, with a spooky tree, duty-free museum shops full of ghastly flourescent painted demons and jade, some calligraphy scrolls, weird tea... alaska's airport had real fur, stuffed bears and deep sea fish oils. i debated buying a weird stole made up of lots of pelts sewn together until i visualized the little screaming animals chopped down by some eskimo- eep! (moving on...). took pictures out the window of my turbulent plane, of frozen ice floes in the silvery sea and looming snowcapped mountains. got back to NY just before a huge storm hit the coast i live on (good timing!). hugged my dog-mate and tickled my plants hello.

oh the blur of jet lag and new medication adjustment (i went to a shrink last minute in bangkok to cure my chronic neurosis if possible and like a good thai doctor he dispensed me hopefully helpful pills). my trip to asia seems like a fading dream (ack!). i had a couple of immediate job interviews, which turned into offers for work. the recession might be over for me! if i don't fuck up in the negotiation of them, of course- don't want to jinx myself... i am already fantasizing elaborately about where to visit next (i think it is cuba, i've decided- before it opens back up to the states. cuba has beaches, right? i might love it). my goal is to have freedom (which equals money), even if i have to sell myself for a bit to get it. my soul ain't going nowhere, at least for now. i wonder if i could possibly find any fun or art in an office environment? at least i might be able to indulge my inner sociologist? sigh. (thinking of beaches).

otherwise, i've unpacked old homemade porno and travel videos i made with 'x' years ago in my room, and planned to watch them as soon as i figure out how (wincing i am sure, as sexing up 'x' is not in my fantasy repertoire at all whatsoever anymore); i've been taking pictures of the art and relics of my travels from south america and asia i dug out of the box i sent to myself, from thailand, in my room; found an old copy of an autobiography i did in high school (it was supposed to be 6 pages, mine was 38 in small print! ;)). snuck out into the freeze and brunched self-consciously in posh coffeehouses half awake, alone with the paper.... i am realizing that 'x' was right, that i am kind of an overgrown goth (yikes! i seriously need someone who has a brain for fashion that doesn't look anything like edward scissorhands or the cure, to take pity on me and give me a makeover so i can function in polite society! volunteers?). i have been working out strenuously in my room on my new 'gazelle' machine (it's so fun!), reading parts of classic novels on my new 'kindle' e-book reader. browsing scientific articles on the relation of ourselves to the universe (miniscule) and wondering if i should feel depressed. downloading quirky movies to escape from my room with, and fending off in text message the guys i slept with when i first arrived to NY (must be some dry spell) with admonitions that they were only one night's worthy in retrospect. :) wished there was someone interesting to be fascinated by for a bit, besides the boy who lost his chance, and my neighbor, who is unendingly sweet to me even when he knows i am not gonna sleep with him (this is a rare trait amongst men but he is constantly hooking up with other girls, so he can afford to be lax with me). i set up an appointment with a therapist since it is the thing to do in NY (pay someone to listen to you squawk), so i can hone my instincts towards being undistractedly, unemotionally brilliant, and getting what i want. let's see if it works. ;)

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

(un)happy birthday to me

here are a few pics from my asia trip, which i took mostly for the benefit of some friends, since i lived there so long i am not inclined to bother otherwise. as you can see i rarely take pics of people. most of the time that is because i am alone!

i am very reluctantly headed back to NY in a couple of hours :(. no more perving on nubile thai boys and gorging on moo-something or other... i need to be back home for some client meetings (gotta hustle and make $$$$ so i will be free again).

unfortunately it means i will be spending my entire birthday(!) on long haul flights. i am hoping by some brilliant stroke of luck they will take pity on me and upgrade me to first class.

can't believe i am approaching my mid 30s. figured i'd be dead by now! i am officially a spinster!

Monday, February 01, 2010


i read something recently that said (paraphrasing) a friend is someone who feels comfortable going on about themself to you. people are inherently selfish, and the more you appeal to their egos the more you own them, and vice versa.

'x' and i definitely use each other as sounding boards. but we have a rare friendship that transcends our respective egos, at long last. i love 'x' (more effusively than i can reveal to his stern and prohibitive demeanor), ever since the day i first ran into him in the hallway of our workplace as youngsters, where we had a strange moment of fatalistic recognition that i can replay with startling clarity to this day in my head. i love him because we have had a tumultuous 14 years or so of trying on personalities with each other, auditioning various relationships as if we were robot scientists experimenting impartially with human traits. at times we mesh and it is smooth going. at other times it seems our entire acquaintance is based on sadistically reducing each other to snivelling heaps of doubt, insecurity, and despair, and we purposely lose touch for months at a's been an invaluable education though overall, and i think that finally we are growing up, graduating. we have both passed each others' rigorous tests and shown that despite our defenses (and persistent mental illnesses), we have each others' backs for life. i admit i find it hard to like an integral part of him, which is his lifestyle as a crass "sexpat" in asia. however his being the one person who has endlessly inspired me and cared for me in his sometimes disguised and passive-aggressive way so unwaveringly throughout my life, when everyone else ended up revealing monsters and ineffectual losers behind intricate masks, means i will accept anything he is in the end, however repulsive it can be at times. and he is really complex enough that his abundant generosity and kindness to those who finally get through his obstacle course, balances things out. i worship him unconditionally. i feel so lucky to have someone in my life who is ultimately genuine, and even imagine that he might be acceptable compensation for the fact that my family was mostly a bunch of dim-witted, misdirected narcissists who treated me like an unwanted pet my whole life, until i sprouted wings, dismissed them from my regard, and flew away.

'x' who never lets me sneak pictures

i am happy that i managed to squeeze two trips to see 'x' into the past year (first in scotland/amsterdam and now in asia). this trip to his art compound in the philippines was relaxing, and enlightening in a lot of ways i didn't expect. first of all, i didn't realize the extent to which he had succeeded in his work, and in such an accelerated fashion(!). for years we were on the same level with our similar careers, but somehow he skipped way ahead of me when i wasn't looking (jealous!). he has built an amazing house in his little brothel town- complete with a gorgeous pool, a hot tub, a perfect gym room which i took full advantage of, a fully stocked bar with companion pool table, and 4 bedrooms equipped with elaborate entertainment systems to accommodate his visiting friends. there was really no reason to leave his paradise abode at all! i took a jeepney through the decrepit streets of AC, from my turbulent plane to his barricaded warehouse. he welcomed me from the depths with a bottle of rare wine bought at auction, which we twirled sophisticatedly in stemware (giggling at our pretension) next to his lush garden, with his awkward maid-slave and pet finches eyeing us curiously from the peripheral. aside from the initial catch up, we spent the days idly doing our own thing, existing in friendly silence, until the evenings when we would meet up and ride his motorbike through the drab streets, to a strange korean massage place where tiny women in robes poked at us clumsily while fellow massage recipients moaned in sleepy pleasure from adjacent recliners. to a gun range where i shot a handgun for the 3rd time in my life, but was shocked neverless by it's terrifying force and volume. and to decadent dinners of ostrich steaks and champagne, followed by the requisite touring of the dens of sin which pervade the small steamy town populated mostly by the male gender and those who serve them. i am not ashamed to admit i feel entirely comfortable in whorehouses. the girls who work there have a background i can relate to, a hardness i can empathize with, and they recognize that in me and open up in a way they can't do with their customers. they are definitely more interesting than the average person i meet, and i can chat all night about life with these girls. the filipino ones are so disarmingly sweet compared to their thai counterparts that i leave them intoxicated, in their little bikinis, to their aging patrons in their dim bars blaring cheese pop quite reluctantly, with affectionate embraces, feeling like sisters. 'x' and i also managed a couple trips to the (male) 'hosto' bars, for old times' sake, to watch the 'exotic boys' dance innocently in tighty whiteys with muscles rippling, shooting fetching glances towards wrinkled ladies in sparse wigs who tip glasses in the audience. the transexual counterparts lisp horrid renditions of 70s ballads from underneath garish costumes, and the spurious waiters hustle you constantly for overpriced drinks. ah- asia is home, even these skeletons which should be relegated to deep dark closets of eastern history ironically make me feel safe and accepted and unrestrained and alive.

i left 'x' with a formal pat on the back, gulping down a lump in my throat, as always (we are now grown up enough not to sob openly as we did as kids). him being able to see right through me, he left me with plenty of advice on how to get on track with work so i can one day enjoy the freedom he does. he also suggested professional counseling for the fact that in reaction to trauma in my teens, my development has been stunted and i am frozen in the guise of a puerile, rebellious, antisocial and diffident girl, whose progression is impeded and who is pathetically bottlenecked and repressed. i trust his blunt assessment, because i wouldn't be where i am today (which is on the right path overall) without having taken his advice every time before. and so i left the philippines for thailand with a feeling that i do have some "family" after all whom i can depend on and trust, and to whom i will be thus be thankfully devoted until i die. and that was that.

back in thailand feeling so glad i made this trip.


Monday, January 25, 2010


i don't know if i can really put into words what is going on with me right now. i think that with my solitary lifestyle i have more opportunity for introspection than most people, and i am digging deep despite my normally repressed self at the moment, so deep that i am lost. i don't even recognize me right now.

i feel physically and mentally the best i have felt in years. i just finished my few days of fasting, detoxing, and cleaning out the ol' pipes in my wonderland getaway (i will spare you the gory details of self-administered colonics and the laxative and liver flush drinks i had to choke down daily. it was a paradisical time on my lush ex-island home otherwise, i'll leave it at that). this is probably the closest to newborn i will ever be again physically. as cheesy and cliché as it seems, i feel high on life! and i have always been the last person to be susceptible to self discipline of any sort, ever since i made a pact with myself in my junior year of high school (when most aspects of my life had hit the fan), that i was not going to deny myself anything that i wanted from then on... but i think i am finding that what i want has changed! and the discipline makes me feel good, and alive!

i have avoided meeting or talking to many people on this trip to thailand in an effort not to taint my small self discovery. the funny thing about this place is that not only is it ridiculously easy to meet new people (basically i just have to sit somewhere in public and people traipse up to me, making me wonder why people in NY are so uptight and closed off?), but it actually gets to the point where it is annoying after awhile! i find myself dissuading people from sitting down with me, to avoid getting stuck in conversation with someone like the naive, co-dependent korean package tourist who was my verbose bus partner this morning, who gushed about her businessman husband and american icons such as whitney houston, oprah winfrey, and her infatuation with the 'twilight' series (rolls eyes). i amused myself by shocking her with glimpses of my piercings and tattoos (i'm such a bad girl!) and subversive stories of my experiences in the red light district in bangkok... but i am not so into the tourists, blushing with youth and fickle idealism, cute as they are. they are of course transient by nature, and as i have said many times, i have no use for acquaintanceships. plus staying long time in a country that is rife with these revolving door clones (yes i know i am one too at times) sort of makes you averse, since inevitably you have the same conversation ad infinitum (where are you from? where are you going? how long are you here etc.), with nothing ultimately learned or gained from the patter. i am happy to meet expats and locals, like the nice taxi driver i had on my way back from trat to the airport to catch my flight to bangkok (i managed an entire hour of conversation exclusively in thai! most of which was trying to break it to him that if he wants a foreign girlfriend like me, he probably should not divulge the information that he is married with children to her right off the bat!)... if people with the potential to be longer term friends make the effort with me, i am happy to learn them. but overall, for once i am preferring, even embracing my solitude, and enjoying the peace and harmony that i feel in my balmy adopted home. i think i am finally resigning myself to not being one of those people who has a stable and nurturing set of kindred spirits around me, and i am feeling ok with that, content with my own company, with the prospect of a future alone. i am pretty good company, after all. :)

i also am realizing, with my return to lush nature, that i want to find something in life that is more satisfying, inspiring, and entertaining than the bottom of a bottle, or the stub of a joint (not that i will ever be totally averse to either, but i am finding that i appreciate things more when i take space from them). & more and more, i am aching to exist in a place that is close to the earth again, and live a more organic and free lifestyle in general. have a little farmhouse, open a bed and breakfast or a coffee shop. something quaint and quiet and warm, which i can run into my old age. with animals around, and children (though not my own, thanks... i am not changing that much), and friendly neighbors- am i contradicting myself? someplace where i can write a book, and not feel constantly on the run trying to evade the corporate rat race, existing by the skin of my teeth (though ultimately pretty comfortably, if i do say so myself.) i growing up?

i had that idyllic life once in thailand. you readers don't know much about it because i stopped writing at the time- when i am content i am usually more inclined to live life than write about it. but my taste of that happiness was fleeting because thailand, as much as i adore it, is not the right place for me, long term. it's too volatile, too ingenuine. too mystifying a culture. too dangerous for someone who is obstinately true to her moralistic values and unsophisticatedly straightforward in her speech. i am realizing that here too now, and it is sort of a bittersweet feeling. it's the same feeling you have when you are in a relationship with someone whom you truly love, but you know you are not compatible enough with, despite that love, to have a real future together. but there is a huge wide world out there, even within my own country, and somewhere is the right place for me (somewhere near the coast!). and i will never completely put thailand behind me- this country (this hemisphere!) and i are hopelessly entertwined for life.

i do know that NY is not the place for me either. i knew this before, years ago, despite my sophmoric crush on the city... but i guess i just forgot. NY is a trophy spouse. it looks good on paper. there seems to be more opportunity there, but in reality i am thinking there is less, for what i really want out of life. NY is a place where hard up, you turn tricks for cash, you hustle "the man". NY is digging through the swamp of pretension for your golden ticket out of there, to real life somewhere else. there is no me in NY, even when i am in NY. there is only the shell of me doing time. (or at least it feels that way, this time around.)

still, life is what you make it, so i am hoping to change that, at least in this interim phase i am in, between my failed utopia and my future one. i am hoping a healthy lifestyle and another sloughing off of people who don't have the same priorities as i do and who drag me down (i really don't think i need anyone!) will help me to find my way there again, with more of a solid foundation.

meanwhile, i don't need to worry about it, as i am off to lounge about in the voyeur's dream, the tantalizing, enlightening city of sin in the philippines (angeles) to visit my favorite sinner, 'x', on the morrow. yay for the continuation of this much needed break!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


sometimes when i am travelling i get the sense that i am not meant to be where i am, everything just feels wrong. that is not now. i am in thailand and i feel at home! i am so exhilirated to be back in asia, which is something that i didn't really anticipate. in fact, i was so anxious in NY before i left, that i drugged myself up with xanax and lay in bed for most of the 3 days prior to my departure, and i even bought travel insurance for my trip (unprecedented) to counteract the sense of impending doom. as soon as i got on the plane though, that doom dissipated. i spent the otherwise grueling 27 hour trip chatting to a sweet taiwanese nun (who lives at a temple in new jersey), and a lovely vietnamese guy and his loquacious little daughter who got on at alaska. i fell a little in love with the latter actually, and my stomach twisted mournfully when we said our farewells at the airport in taiwan. never before have i had such a pleasant journey to the other side of the world.

now in bangkok, i have been luxuriating in the tropical warmth. gorging on the food, meeting loads of new people, getting daily massages. 10 months was way too long to be away from here, but it has made me appreciate it. i went to dig through my storage unit yesterday, the intended purpose of this whole trip, and decided to pay for 3 more months rather than closing it out, because the truth is, i think i want to live in asia again. my first instinct is to write NY off as a waste of my time. i am so not happy there. but being realistic, i just returned to it in the midst of a recession and a harsh winter. when both of those end, which is hopefully soon, things will be better there. but comparing NY to thailand, the quality of life is so lacking there! thailand definitely has it's drawbacks but the quality of life for westerners here can not be beat. ideally, i would like to work it out so i can live 30% of the time in NY, 30% in thailand, and travel the remaining %.

for some reason i am on a health kick. i have not touched a cigarette, drugs, or alcohol since arriving here, very weird in a place that normally brings out all my vices. and for some reason unbeknownst to even me, i am checking myself into a detox resort in the jungle for the next few days. i will be fasting, doing yoga, lounging in the herbal steam room or by the natural pool, getting high colonics(!), and having daily massages for a bit. i figure i might as well get into top form before i have to return to the rat race.

that might not be for awhile though. i will head to the philippines next week to see 'x'. after that, i am pretty sure i have landed another remote contract, so i can actually extend my trip here. we shall see. loving life right now, either way.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


i am standing here on the divider line between my two lovers- NY and thailand. again. chilling for now in the comfort, knowing that i have made a commitment to one, but happy to go breathe in the other... i am a cheating bitch! will my second lover even accept me? or will s(he) spit me out for back-stabbing him/her as i just did to my sister-friend in london.

hmmm. the mean streets of brooklyn. i had a difficult interview at an agency( TM) today when i forgot i had sworn them off. it was nice though. an old loft under the bridge in the yuppie art district that is DUMBO. i am sure if i looked hard enough there would be a porsche or something cheesy. they are such snobs in their little factories. extroverted in their creative fashion, as long as they stay within the lines- LOL! i admit (though i don't feel superior, just averse) to me agencies are “the man”. i want a company that appreciates my skillsets and doesn’t have to meet about it all day long. clients I can make cool intranets for. i like to be proud of my hand-offs instead of my sales skills. i don’t want to sell my soul to their larger conglomeration. AND (rant) i can't help think that if they aren't willing to work with me the way i do best, they can't be too creative (right?!). as long as the end outcome is done well (which i ensure) it will all be ok.... but the truth is, they just have different kinds of projects than the ones i like, and theirs involve a lot of marketing and codependent collaboration- things i tend to abhor in my analytical haze. i always get nervous and twitch around these people (in their outfits that make me feel like i crawled out of a hole). they are so aesthetically pleasing, intelligent and eloquent, and i am sure good at what they do too... but i simply don't fit in amongst them. i am an entrepreneur, if an unfocused one. and i do have a good network, the people in it are just unpredictable. i will bravely forge ahead and keep trying to squeeze blood from zombified stone-people, aghast at media headlines of doom!

but years ago 'x' and i flew to amsterdam and spent all our remaining money (except a couple of months' worth) frolicking in heat and sin. and came back to the states, in a recession. we interviewed all the live long day to no avail with any companies. first we lived with a frazzled eccentric art lady aqcuaintance in her carriage house across the river from the french quarter in louisiana, where i slung jambalaya to tourists along with the black mamas (john waters came in once). the art lady kicked us out when she caught me sneaking in to her side of the place to do laundry. after that we had to live in a couple of very dingy and scary residence hotels in san francisco's crack alley (6th and market) and the tenderloin. even in portland oregon. there would be snot on the walls, men peeing in sinks. weird junkies and mentally ill. people from some stank cafeteria brought us food in one (were we in a homeless shelter and 'x' forgot to tell me maybe?) hmmmmmmm. i was so young and we were so poor and enslaved by our love of travel i guess! we worked as customer support for phone lines, and at one job, with AT&T, we had to actually raise our hand and ask permission to get out of line and go to the bathroom. i made it only one day and quit, said no more, went back to the laptop and started learning, and 'x' bravely fought on for a couple more days. we split a subway sandwich with the last of our money before real jobs appeared.'s all blurry now- but these memories give me pause. i have no idea what i would do if i came back to the US and had to move to those streets again, without 'x'. i would probably die ranting, picking lice out of my hair and blubbering while a redneck bangs on the flimsy door for his rent. i would not have any idea what to do without 'x's protection and guidance. i don't want to be there ever again, period.

ha- give me a cure for anxiety! tell me i am ok! these are the thoughts i have. especially when i am alone and about to travel! thank said lordy for the friends i do have! that is why i feel like i have to fly to see them!

the other night i dreamt (no shit) that i was in a rubber raft with a bunch of people, that was sinking, into deep water with a live snake in it. i was trying to get back to land from an island because all my credit cards were stolen when i was mugged and i had no longer my identity. eep!

i have always been ok, since i have been totally on my own... because i am smart and i do a really good job at what i do... i just get soooooooooo scared with no backup that it will take a long time to find someone i am compatible with again. my jobs are like relationships. they have to understand me and the way i work a little. i am introverted in an extroverted world. i run wider than the rat race. i want to yell at them trust me!!!!!!! think different, isn't that what they are spouting in there?! i just need to find the right match.

if any of you get a chance/are bored download and watch beautiful losers. and style wars… movies about the old subway graffiti/b-boy/ street art scene in NY. and man on wire- where this french artist guy watches the twin towers being built, and then does stunts on them! and a really great movie called good dick about a sad girl who is just like me (except rich). & of course the british comedies galore (mighty boosh season 2 last episode)…. sigh. this is my life. I finally turned off cable tv and started building my own network of download sites in lieu.

...well meanwhile, since i have to wait around for my next contract to magically appear as usual, if my karma is behaving (not sure!!!), i could go stock up on medicines, important things from storage, explore my best pal's art cave in the middle of a brothel, and drench myself in sunny sun sun for 2 weeks? is that bad?

i'm super cool right?

Wednesday, January 06, 2010


cool articles about english icons

Tuesday, January 05, 2010


don't go to england to get away from NY in winter was the moral of the past couple of weeks. but it was still a much needed break, that ranged from wallowing in sullen despair and boredom, staring at the wall of a cold row house in reading, a suburb 40 minutes outside of london by train (rolls eyes and wishes i had pryed more as to location before buying my ticket). and being mad at my friend for not telling me she had no intention of hanging out with me (chatting online with her boyfriend instead, when not bitching about him). i was dying to discover the underground of london, & not being able to go anywhere else because england shuts down on holidays (no public transport or food- why didn't i know that?) almost made me crack!!!.... somehow we managed- her with her occasional dash across the ice in her little red car to a shopping center when they opened, and me with movies on my laptop and cups of tea. we had a gossip with the irish farmgirl alcoholic roommate and a few cozy, if silent, pub dinners in there too, and i felt like i was just living normal days in england. i think fondly of the alcoholic drinks and the accents. i like the bumbling, open, nonchalant english way of things.

in the middle, when things finally opened up again, it pissed rain. NY pisses rain too (or snow), but i never go out in it. especially when it is super cold. i just stay in my house. so do most londoners i assume. anyway 'y' and i rented a flat in kentish town, right next to camden, my favorite little hipster punk area of the city. i spent a very cold day touring it alone, but i liked all the little thrifty shops, hookah cafes, kebab stands, pubs. later 'y' and i ended up so offended by each others' contrasting opinions, habits, mannerisms, ambitions, and priorities (! phew) that we started avoiding each other as much as possible, or having to press our lips together and promise to restrain ourselves from saying what we really thought to each other. i didn't really see that coming but i think it'll be ok in the long run. it is just so hard for me to be close to someone so opposing in every way. telling me that she hates artists and thinks they should get real jobs and lives!... just set me right over that fence.... or telling me she aspires to corporate slavedom and posh labels. or telling me she would be pissed off if i let someone smoke marijuana in someone else's house!... these are just alien thoughts to very liberal me. as much as i feel like she is my young sister i give up trying to show her my way of life and have no interest in seeing hers.

yep, i guess this trip was about friends. i have a lot more of them from england than i do in the US. later on my trip changed to ecstatic joy at last, with old friends (and their babies/drug habits/weird propensity to get into bed with me/musical instruments and art). a few of whom traipsed in and out of various rooms i was in. the nerdy cockney boys i spent last christmas and new year with in thailand. the girls who were my best blonde yoga, life, and party friends on my island in thailand. some other thailand people in a party full of actors, comedians, musicians, and one terrifyingly large speed freak from nigeria and his matching rottweiler. friends kissing on new years at midnight and proclaiming undying love as they put me in a taxi. friends on my phone saying sorry they missed me, and on facebook too. it was so nice to be surrounded by people that i love.... and so rare for me...

i seriously considered moving to london! there is a lot more work for what i do there and all i have to do is buy some visa and i can work.... hmmmm. dreaming of a cute english boyfriend but not sure cute english boys exist outside of 80s new wave and noel fielding.

but i did vow to make NY work, so for now that is what i will do. i am back, having slept away the shock of transition again. vowed to detox and diet (been making smoothies for breakfast and cooking lentil soup and the like (!?)) so i don't look like a polar bear in my bikini. had a little chat at the thai restaurant below me with my nabe (who just got back from sweden), have plans to meet up with the flakier of my NY friends this week for lavish dinners and drinks (we shall see), panicking already because my contract is ending soon, thrusting me back into the scrambling and pathetic world of the unemployed, and wondering if i should take my ticket to the (seductive warmth and familiarity) of thailand in 2 weeks. another escape from NY winter? how can i say no?

lame pics here


Monday, December 21, 2009


today in my NY cave i miss decadence. slick highways seeming to slither languidly ahead. the emerald elegance of absinthe melting sugar into a spoon, and long white fingers pressing clove cigarettes to red lips. tiptoeing out to gritty basement clubs and dancing with abandon to bruised and rageful music. i miss painting on glitter and black eyeliner and latex, and dancing pressed up against strangers, inhaling as deeply as possible and closing my eyes for more honesty, just feeling other souls without words. or holding the hand of a twin and twisting through mazes of daunting flash parties propped up by proud transsexual hookers, crippled by broken poets crooning into mikes or videotaping the heartbreak of their swaying muses. artists transforming the world in front of them so that you can almost but not quite touch. i miss beautiful boys with thick lips, hair that falls into their face, and hurt eyes who make you chase them for a kiss. girls with dark hair flipped over creamy shoulders and curvy shadows whispering secrets behind them. dangerous figures luring with convoluted and brilliant word games, or just quirks to devour from the peripheral. i miss casually tucking bills into the pockets of people who bring sensual and gastronomical delights and present them to you as if you are divine, or who service you well and satisfy the hungry orphan that was never hugged inside you. i miss swallowing drugs that spin you into the stratosphere and feel like pure fuzzy love, and tickle you with lights as you converse with the earth and caress it in gratitude. i miss journeys to places that surround you with warm exotic beauty, the wallowing in spice and mystery and passion. i miss speeding off into the unknown and wondering if i will be rejected, humiliated, lost or killed, or just have a wild story to tell. not having a backup plan otherwise except to placate my ambitious ego.... but all in all laying myself out without restraint for love and magic and beauty to find, if it is feeling kind.

years ago at the exotic erotic ball in san francisco

Saturday, December 19, 2009


well despite the obvious advice that i should stay in one place and make more of a life for myself here in NY, it is snowing buckets here today and so i bought a spontaneous ticket to go see my friend in london for the holidays. so there. and in mid-jan, i will be back in asia for a few weeks. my wanderlust can not be denied!!!!

but i will try and calm down in the spring. ;)

Friday, December 18, 2009


okay here is something interesting about my life. in my country (maybe all countries?), i am not like many people at all. i am a black sheep all the way. i didn't stay in one place long enough as a youth to make lifelong friends. my family was so nuts that i ran away from them as fast as i could at 15 (though i do love my younger siblings via facebook). i didn't finish college- opting instead to educate myself online rather than get into any more excruciating debt than it had already caused. i didn't get married, because i was stupidly (but happily) dating someone who should have been just a friend for many years (but he is my soulmate in so many ways!), in addition to the fact that my mother's many marriages made me cynical. never dated many people. sex is not a big deal to me, it's been a bad thing for a lot of my life so i can take or leave it. i get too scared of the vulnerability inherent in it. i have never wanted kids (sort of repress that whole sexual, fertile bleeding woman side of myself). but am sort of stuck in a childlike romantic haze anyway and fall in love with everyone instantly because i love to analyze human behavior, so the more twisted the better sometimes.... (which of these girls is not like the others?)

AND i have been travelling in different cultures amongst not only totally different-thinking locals of whatever locale I am in, but also travelling people from other cultures- who have entirely different boundaries and priorities and daily experiences than those people who stay in one place in their own culture. travelling people are open to meeting new people, instantly judging their connection with them as good or bad, and following the good ones (aligning lives even) on whatever spontaneous adventure presents itself and contributes to a good story and a good day, whether that is beautiful natural & geographic viewing day trips, interesting people & cultural education, art/music exploration in any form, some physical activity, convoluted conversations, relaxation, and yes even drugs (or buckets of alcohol in thailand) and sex (i have never been totally celibate or asexual). it's like an instant set of those good friends that everyone else has, just more speedy and trusting in the intimacy department.

so i am realizing that the source of a lot of my social problems in life in one spot (presently NY) stem from my just having this totally different life experience to which people can't relate. (note: this in no way infers superiority, which is also a problem, because when i tell people my life stories they tend to think i am crazy or bragging, but they are all true!). and i expect them to understand me when they are making lists of presents for and making jokes with old friends, talking to their parents on the phone about dinner, debating futile local politics or gossiping about vapid celebrities from home (ok i did that a bit in thailand). hugging or screeching at their spouse or kids (or college girl friend). when they do go out it is with no less than 12 people to a place they can't hear themselves talk and get too drunk. they have possessions, pets, jobs they go to every day and people they are constantly excusing themselves to talk to (via whatever means of communication since we are bombarded by them now) with inside jokes. that is all great for them, i am just DIFFERENT! & sometimes, at the risk of being called a drama queen, i am like "see meeeeeeeeeeeeee!" "love meeeeee!"... not to mention it takes guts to reach into that pool of (mostly resistant) strangers and bug a few of them long enough until they will allow you into their established lives a little and be your friend or (wishful thinking) go on a date and let you get to know each other!

i hope at least my readership understands this.

i had the same problem staying in one place too long in thailand. my experience and understanding of and reaction to things were all contrary to the culture i was living in (and even strange for my own culture). and as i communicate better in writing, it was hard to get myself across. so i ended up having misunderstandings with these different people, which always caused a domino effect down the line of people they knew or were related to. and me with no dominos of my own! so i felt crazy all the time, like an alien! and the two types of people I would meet would be the spontaneous fun travelers (my people!!!) or those who tended towards expatdom, and whose many social friends and family would soon be visiting, and thus were sort of potential misunderstandings and distractions as well, simply because my life has been so different. sigh!!!!

i don't know if the key is to find more stability and learn it, or forget about it and fly away???! but when i think of the good friends i have made in life i suppose it is because i was someplace long enough for them to know me a little and vice versa. and if there is one thing i miss in my life it is my good friends.... BUT as they are all scattered about the world now, i should focus on where i am now. right? if anyone will be patient with me and show me how ;).

here is a cheesy picture to illustrate my wanderlust ;)

addendum: x's typical response to this post was that i sound like a little self obsessed snob. but if anything i am hoping to see if anyone can understand/relate to me in my (honest!) current position and give advice on whether they think i should stay put or run free. :) feedback appreciated...

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009


occasionally there is a dark day. where you can't get any work done. drink too much coffee trying to erase mad dreams and sit shivering. spill out too much of yourself online in anonymous forums, realizing you sound like a creep by association with the people in some of your narrated lives. feel completely blase about the impending future of same old shit. bored with the people around you for being half alive. annoyed with the guy you like for not getting you at all. revolted at the thought of any conversation with your pathetic room mate. not stimulated by anything and just want to go back to bed.


so let's find something nice to talk about here. hmmm. my room is sunny. :) which masks the nature-less winter outside. i have downloaded good new music (though i have to say i have been steadily unimpressed by most music since the early 90s). had more raunchy online conversations on message boards with my invisible friends (this time about crazy exes- i really should compile all my stories in one place because i always win for most exciting). i am seeing more the value of facebook as sort of an interactive blog. i think i will specialize in building social network sites (pretty much have already) because i love it....

um.... my beloved (skinny white skater boy) nabe was really nice to me the other day, though hopefully not to get in my pants (the thought of sex makes me want to vomit in fear at the mo). i wrote a sappy post about it in case you missed it but deleted it promptly because i looked like a sucker. i will devour and choke on the first person to be nice to me so i have to control myself....

i am planning a trip back to thailand in jan. though i don't really want to go because i am still mad at the whole country for being so double-sided all the time. but then i think of my new cute girly bikini just come in the mail, of spectacular green fluffy island hammock days, long dark massages with incense and oils, and being the spectator of a maddeningly brilliant street circus. ((but then i get anxious (as i always do before i travel) and think about all the horrible things that can happen in such a dangerous land.)) anyway warmth and freedom will be great even if i have to enjoy it alone because i am too proud to go back to my island and admit i love my enemies. :) but perhaps i will be adventurous and cut out early to borneo or such so as not to waste a trip....

i wish i had a ball to go to for christmas, that would be fun, though digging up a dress and heels would be too much of a magnificent feat at this point (been living out of a backpack for years with exception of that short time in bangkok where i dated an actor and was on guestlists at clubs with my posh sister-friend 'y').... a very interesting guy sent me an invitation to an ice skating ball, and i have a feeling it would be great fun but i couldn't accept because he was unattractive to me. then i felt shallow for awhile and wanted to kick myself, but what do you do?...

i forced myself to venture out into hipsterdom yesterday and met an amazing woman who trimmed the back of my hair (too short). she was a tattoed pin up rocker girl business woman who asked what my sign was and make me giggle and gawk in awe. she was all that i aspire to and fail to be aesthetically. (i don't know where i get this inferiority complex of late but i can assure you it is mostly exterior.)

my new (old) hair

i wish i had some decadent stories of sex and drugs to share with you like slutever, but i realized my blog has never been that honest, even when i was having sex and imbibing drugs. (that's what happens when you live in a country one step away from china in it's censorship laws, and have an audience who stalks you at times).

what more is there to talk about? mostly i am just sitting around wishing i was amongst spontaneous travellers again and hanging in there until i am. i guess you can look at this as a trip report- a "what it's like to come back 'home'" one, see similarly boring previous example in 2004.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


holy crap! look at this. someone has already done my marketing for me! ;P

and according to the urban dictionary:

"elocin - 1 definition - The drug of choice when you are feeling depressed."

Monday, December 07, 2009

now (again)

So far what I have learned via my latest psychological spelunking (which I have loved since birth) is that with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which is apparently useful for every type of psychological disorder or general bad feeling, is that talking positively to yourself to change it doesn’t work. (I learned this before, when I recorded myself saying I was gonna win the lottery over and over and played it while I was sleeping :) ). You also have to believe what you are saying, so you shoot for realism in talking to yourself… What do you reasonably think you deserve and can expect, without too much of a lean towards good or bad? It teaches you to balance your thoughts a bit. Not to exaggerate the badness and fear in situations because you know it is always there in life, but so is the good stuff…. Basically same thing I learned in Thailand with yoga- go with the flow, breathe. Buddhism. The “Secret”!!!!! It’s all one lesson! & it’s starting to work, a little. :) Yay! Just gotta relax.

I went with my friend to a burlesque show, the other night. :) It was pretty skanky (compared to the classy one with champagne in a classic theater in Denver, with L)… don’t know what he (H) thought. It was in this dirty old basement loft in Chinatown. Drinks in a cooler type of thing. But it was kind of funny. They mixed it with theater (a Christmas Carol, twisted of course), and there were debutante girls, Japanese artist boys and Jewish professors in the audience, and half naked boys in wigs. It was the first snow too (but mostly rain). We took a cab over the bridge home and watched the city out the window. Got home and joked with his roommates while listening to vinyl. Played with his fishtanks and looked at hydra porn on youtube (nerds! I never knew I had it in me!) …But then it felt too much like a brother-sister thing so I excused myself. Still fun!

I am loving work. Busy-ness helps me not be so reclusive. It’s weird though, my mind spins so fast in organizing things, then at the end I fly off into space… I need calm. The trip to White Plains is cold and stressful, but people there think I am smart and I have my own little office, that I go to via train once a week (so far). It takes forever but I get to feel like I am travelling- with my newspaper and breakfast. I eat dinner in Grand Central station amongst the beautiful buskers whom I wish I could round up and record in some fashion, homeless men snarling nonsensically, beedy eyed police and businessmen…. Then I walk home from the train to the bus again to my many ‘mates, through my little neighborhood of sickeningly white, rich, goodlooking young people who don’t talk to or have sex with me, walking their dogs in their contrived outfits… and the nice foreign workers that serve them (and me). And I have dreams of birds and lizards that I won’t bore you with. (i know these posts tend to get repetitive when i am working out stuff in my head.)

Thursday, December 03, 2009

stream of consciousness

smoking pot is beneficial to me, more so than anything else i have tried. i think someone should study me to prove it, and help make it legal. it makes me in the mood to slow down, breathe, exercise. pick out the good things in situations. (i should probably move to cali where it is more or less legal these days- owning a little general pot store in some small california town- doesn’t that sound dreamy?)…. weed might be a cure for serious depression, but i haven’t been able to focus long enough to even smoke it lately. which is very abnormal for me. i can’t even remember to breathe! or sleep half the time!

kittens are fuzzy and calm me down too though. some of them are mean to me when I clean out their cages but i like to fight with them, like siblings (at the animal shelter nestled amongst the big warehouses on the water). a mama cat had 5 little sticky newborns this morning in her cage, that kind of freaked me out. i gossiped with the black lady in overalls there who for some reason is named jason. the asian nerdy guy stuffing envelopes and cleaning puppies is too scared to talk to me now because i rejected his overtures on facebook (but I know about his girlfriend, duh, and the last thing i want is another asian guy right now)…

i incite a lot of arguments otherwise online by being blunt. i have been accused of being aggressive. has a section called AMA (“i am a…” slut, cryptkeeper, whatever- ask me anything… ). you ask them questions about themselves and they try to answer them all honestly (anonymously). i am tempted to do one about myself but i don’t know exactly how much to tell (“i am a fucking weirdo, AMA?”). but today we discussed seeing dead bodies, which was enlightening…

i have a hangover from drinking with a shameless drama queen i met online. it’s nice to meet someone who is, at least in her head, in a worse position than me overall. she’s a lot more normal than i am in reality- a fairly well-adjusted, but neurotic NY native lawyer who is unemployed and milks it. my male friends here in the neighborhood, with whom i would sneak late night drinks before, have all gotten girlfriends and dropped off, so she’s good timing- i still have one person to help me get away from my neurotic assed, ruminating self! it was kind of boring though without boys to flirt with (girls are dumb), so i got too drunk thinking about it. i realized i treat boys all as brothers or sons so they don’t want to sleep with me. i just like to play with them, like children. i would love to have someone hot to kiss, but am not too hung up on it.

when i am not daydreaming about that i pick through my refrigerator and hum, or surf the net for obscure somethings to pass around to people… & i am working a lot on my bed, with music from my laptop on it’s little bed desk, and my dogmate itching and staring at me until i yell at him. i love my job. except that i have to take the train upstate in the cold tomorrow and deal with people in person, hoping they can’t smell the stink of reclusivity on me. but i will get a newspaper and look out the windows on the way there. and hope life throws me a magic bone on the train. & at least it’s only once a week!... i made a cool little intranet page to keep track, and have already got my first paycheck….

christmas trees are up now, and for sale on the street. it's cold enough to see my breath. union square has a cool holiday market attached to the farmer’s market now, with lots of hipster hats for sale and tempting art. i want to collect old tools and antique instruments (of surgery and torture!) but it seems like such an effort to find them here- the city makes me lazy. oh... i watch holiday specials i haven’t seen in my 8 or so years in thailand. dr. seuss, national lampoon’s. charlie brown. nostalgic and much better than celebrating the birthday of a king in a brainwashed country, with blind fanatic worshipful gestures, and no snow! (ugh thailand!- but then when you think about it isn't the christian idea of christmas quite the same?) my roommate wants to get a tree. i might go ice skating. i might order myself a little present from santy claus.

Friday, November 27, 2009


thanksgiving is a time to give thanks to the lord for all our food rather than to the indians who taught us to plant said food and then were all slaughtered unceremoniously by our ancestors.... human nature is ugly.

i planned a humble first thanksgiving in the states for years sitting in bed with reheated food and watching a charlie brown special, but thankfully a little magic crept in last minute and changed my plans for me.

wednesday night my i-am-realizing-new-best-friend, tum (from thailand), and his sweetly naive little girlfriend invited me to their staff party at a snazzy restaurant called 'sea', in my 'hood. free drinks and food, didn't take long to convince me. it left me totally disoriented though since everything and everyone was thai! i might as well have been in thailand- little thai bands, the same bangkok yuppies who infest all the good clubs in bangkok, eating thai food and speaking thai. the weird thing was that unlike most of the thais i meet in thailand, they all ignored me. :/ i guess i am not a novelty in NY! tum kept telling me how smart and sexy i was and how all the boys were stupid not to snatch me up, which was nice of him, and the party was otherwise fun. there were enough little latin american kiddos running around with funny bowl cuts that i didn't go into shock feeling like an alien. i spent the night gossiping over mojitos and crab cakes with pui (the girlfriend), and poking tum in his beer gut.

me and tum about 8 years ago in bangkok

me and tum now in NY

the next day my danish roommate, whose family has been visiting, making it 6 people and a huge dog in our little apartment, announced she was going to make a traditional thanksgiving dinner for us all. my other roommate and i raised our eyebrows at each other behind her back. but we stocked up on bottles of wine and pumpkin pies, and chatted all afternoon while she cooked. a nice old bachelor man came over and talked my ear off as we sipped wine and ate hors d'oeuvres. he was sweet and safe, and was able to give me the gossip from the old loft building i lived in when i was here 8 years ago. we toasted each other in danish and my roommate got embarassingly drunk and made us laugh by forcing the dog to wear a birthday hat and play dead (?). i didn't check my phone or internet once! it felt like the idealized family gathering that i have never had but have been missing. i am totally grateful to my roommates for pulling me out of my shell.

the downfall was the evening. my supercool mostly famous free-spirited global hitchhiking friend kat drove down from her new farmhouse upstate and invited me to meet her at a party at her other friend's ridiculously beautiful and packed with artists loft, not far from my house. i texted her that i don't do well with big parties full of strangers, and that it wasn't the best venue for a catch up (we haven't seen each for a couple of years) but that i would stop by and say hi anyway. kat is really amazing and i have looked up to her since i have known her, as she has the life i want (been around the world a gazillion times over and has more adventures than anyone else i know). we were close at one point (in fact we actually used to make out even). but the last couple of times i have seen her, she has been really different. now hanging out with her is my nodding quietly as she lists her many accomplishments. her eyes dart about when i talk to her, every five minutes we are interrupted by "fans" who come up to greet her, and i feel like she is subtly insulting me with things she is saying. i feel sad at the loss of whatever connection we once had, since she really has inspired me in so many ways, but long story short she made me feel really bad last night. she wasn't even at the party when i got there, and the room was full of people sitting down and eating. the only place for me to stand was right in the middle of the room, alone and obviously hovering and confused. everyone was excruciatingly hip in their homemade sweaters and obscure accessories, and not friendly to me at all. the one conversation i did have was with a girl who seemed disappointed i wasn't saying something more interesting. katie did finally appear and make obligatory conversation with me but then left me standing mid-sentence and never came back. i got fed up and left. it's been a long time since anyone has made me feel like a high school geek. :( & the problem with friends like these is that you agree with their high opinion of themself and thus take the rejection as proof of your own unworthiness.... but i have to remind myself that she comes from a very stable and supportive and well-off family, and if i had had that foundation too i probably would be just like her and throw myself into adventures with abandon knowing i had backup. meanwhile, my life has been pretty damned interesting too, all on my own! just interesting in a different way!

anyway i came home and cried to 'x' about it in email, and he reminded me that i am cool. and this morning i consoled myself with furry kittens and a rambunctious black pup at the animal shelter, who love me despite my wounds... the past two years have really really sucked (i looked back and found it has been 2 1/2 years since i was really happy!) and i feel like all the important people have been rejecting me one after another, but i am THANKFUL that these people are coming out of the woodwork at once so i can eliminate them from my life and move on with the kind of friends i deserve because i am a very good girl. :) and i still had a good holiday. tonight i am going to smoke myself a bowl and watch old disney movies.

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