|
s.e.x.
i like cock. also have been known to like pussy. i love the chase involved in sex- the seductive dance of making eye contact across a room, brushing heated skin against skin. i like winning, "owning" a person for a short time- both physically and mentally. i love kissing. playing. i am very sensual and very sexual. decadence is a magnet. i am a voyeur and also somewhat of an exhibitionist. i love porn, i love strippers, i am not above wandering into the occasional sex club. i love to experiment and i feel like the more the better overall if it's all in fun and it's safe and you aren't ruining relationships, disrespecting your own values, or neglecting other important aspects of your life to get your hole. i am open to almost anything. but let's get serious. if you are at all interested in an analysis of a (i think) unique perspective in relation to sex, you might be interested in reading this. if not, and you are just looking for something to blow your dress up (so to speak), sorry, please check out one of the many free porn sites on the net. the thing is, i hate to give a false impression to anyone, as being true to myself is my number one priority in life, hands down. and i know i say some things that can be easily misconstrued on my site in this subject area. so though it's 3am, i had a sudden need to explain a few things to whomever might care enough to read it. otherwise you can analyze and judge what i write all you want but you are doing so as a misinformed party. so there. (i won't bother with the bells and whistles as my ex boyfriend 'x' does in the -to me disgustingly misogynistic- sex section of his site. i take this subject perhaps a little too seriously, and won't disguise that fact with any frills.) let me preface this by saying that i was unfortunately introduced to sex at the too young age of four. both of my parents were horrible, extreme examples of how not to influence your child's sexual development. suffice it to say i have had a lifetime of experience being a sexual victim and thus my perspective can not be anything other than extremely biased and a little twisted. people find me rather abrupt, too open, somewhat militant, deviant, and perhaps a little coarse when it comes to the subject... but in my formative years i learned to relate to people from a (strange) sexual perspective right off the bat. someone described to me once a girl who would always turn a conversation back around to sex, because that was what she was good at. she was used to playing the role of a sex object, and that was how she initiated intimacy with someone, scored points with them, got them to relax, or conversely, introduced a bit of shock value into a situation, making it easier to manipulate. i admit i think i have a bit of that girl in me myself. sex and sexuality is a weapon, most of the time used for self defense. besides that, i don't know where people's limits and boundaries are, as i have not ever had (or been allowed) any myself. in general, i have no tact...when it comes to sex, i don't know when and where to keep my mouth shut (no pun intended :) ). in saying that, i don't mean i am in the least bit promiscuous. i have had a period or two in my life where i was more so, but in retrospect they were very self destructive times all around (i did my fair share of drugs at the same time). though i am undeniably adventurous and will do pretty much anything on a dare, i am actually rather conservative when it comes to sex. i don't go looking for it, i don't base life decisions on it, i am still easily embarassed, my sex drive is pretty much just fair to middling. also most of my long term partners were not sexually attractive to me in retrospect which shows where my priorities were (or were not).... i look at sex itself purely from an analytical perspective most of the time and am fairly bottlenecked otherwise. my whole life my primary interest has been human behavior- anthropology, sociology, and psychology have always been my favorite subjects, and later on, my majors. i am an observer, a scientist, and to a big extent a voyeur, which in some ways i feel is just another synonym. so a sometimes unfortunate side effect of that character trait is that sex to me is not as participatory as you might imagine from what i write... instead it has become more of a concept that i analyze (sometimes obsessively) from a safe distance. sounds rather pathetic, but really, does that make sense? yeah, i am bisexual. not usually actively so but when it comes down to it, 100% down the middle- though that is because various aspects balance each other out, ie. the fact that i am visually much more attracted to women in general but emotionally much more attracted to men. i have enjoyed and also endured sex with both, and though i know i will ultimately end up with a man (women don't like me anyway) i have no real preference physically. is this a product of environment or genetics? i don't know. i couldn't possibly know, having had no natural progression whatsoever in my early sexual development. technically i could be afraid of and disgusted by men subconsciously and have turned to women, but in my life the same could easily apply conversely. overall i admit it would be easier and i have contemplated being asexual. but i enjoy having a large selection :) and not having to settle for one or the other if i don't want to. i like to see everything... i am sort of bulimic when it comes to life. thus i suppose i could be considered very open-minded even in this arena. i have had more than your average bear's experience in the sex scene not just in thailand but in amsterdam and san francisco as well. all three pretty hardcore. none of this came about especially voluntarily, and with the exception of a very shy, friendly drunk "threesome" (in which my two best boy friends seemed more interested in each other than in me), i never did anything "weird" at all until i met a strange creature by the name of 'x', and spent a crazy seven years with him. 'x' did not so much open me up as expose me to new things (and corrupt me). with him i saw the world of strip clubs, prostitution, s&m, pornography, sex clubs, fetishes... you name it, none of which i had ever had any active interest in before i met him. 'x' has an out of this world, very fucked up sex drive. it took me a long time to realize it, but he is totally incapable of intimacy, analytical observation along these lines, monogamy, or seeing women as anything other than a long line of fresh pussy for him to take advantage of. it is simply a gratification of a physical need to him, and i really believe it is nothing else. he will argue this with you to the death while secretly nodding guiltily in his head. he is sexually bulimic. he was probably not a very healthy person for me to have spent so much time with. i am glad i saw and experienced the things that i have though, as they have solidified many things in my head. the most important thing i learned was that fantasy should not be made reality in most cases. it kills it. you need to retain a bit of fantasy in your life to keep your sex life interesting as well as to not lose all sense of reality (they balance each other out). reality can never equal fantasy in any case. in addition, i know what i am and am not attracted to. i know that seediness and shallow transactions do not appeal to me. though the tease of someone stripping slowly on stage does my head in, even though there's money behind it. i know i am ultimately a monogamous person. also, the strange seductive abandonment of one-night stands or flings aside (not usually a fan of them myself), i know that i really need to love a person or at least have some sort of affection for them if i am to have a long term sexual relationship with them. i need to feel completely at ease with a person in order to have a mindblowing fuck. i like to be able to look directly in their eyes as they come in me. i like to whisper true things into their ears, to be able to say dirty things and not be misjudged or embarassed. to explore fantasies exposes vulnerabilities, and to show every crack and crevice of myself to a person and see, feel, taste every crack and crevice of them means trust and intimacy are of prime importance. i need the requisite respect from my partner, chemistry (which i always denied myself in the past thinking that mental connections would suffice), a little deviant experimentation perhaps but nothing as hardcore as i have done with 'x'. physically i need someone who fits well with me, who makes my skin melt and my breath quicken, whom i am proud to be with and whom i respect, and who is capable of being slow and sensual as well as hard and fast. i have yet to find all these qualities in one person so i will probably have to lower my standards at some point. :) but they are not too outrageous are they? i mean i think i just want what every woman wants. not so much the cliche of "making love" but something honest and not degrading. and fun! anyway i could go on but you get my drift.... that's me and i now know me pretty well, meaning i have a lot of great sex in my future forecast as my priorities have been narrowed down and i am more aware of what i am looking for and what will make me not just horny but happy. i think it is very important for people to see all aspects of a situation before they make a conscious (though ever-evolving) assessment like that. in that way i have to thank the people who have put me into unfamiliar, uncomfortable, sometimes ghastly but occasionally fun and always enlightening situations in my life, and i urge people to explore as much as possible. it's all a learning process, and i now have more reliable expertise than most, and a better all around understanding of my sexual identity, as well as the world. i have recently had some amazing sex, which is wonderful to me as i thought i would spend the rest of my life oppressed, settling for whatever presented itself. i have to give kudos to my gorgeous little island romance partner, otto, who makes me constantly and positively horny by both his physical presence and his mental generosity. i am finally starting to believe that sex is ultimately good, and thus i can take it less seriously and enjoy it more. and so can you. the one thing i do undeniably have a lot of bitterness about is men's roles in society vs. women's. don't get me wrong, i am not much of a "feminazi". i don't believe in equality between the sexes so much as i do the promotion of balance. but i find this world horrifically unbalanced. in our media, in everyday conversation, in relationships... women have the role of subservience to men. we are primarily sexual victims. we are not able to explore our own sexuality without being labeled as sluts. we are used as commodities and treated like dogs. what it boils down to to me is the unsavory primality of human nature, and it makes the world a very unhappy place. women are not disposable toys, they are real people. i think they all naturally seek a man to love them, stick by them, experiment and grow with them, and have great honest unabashed sex with them. men just, like i said, want a succession of willing pussy (and a harmless wifie at home that they can lie to and derive comfort from). jaded opinion? a bit. but do you know a truly happy, balanced couple who stays monogamous? i can honestly say i do not, and that lack of balance is the fatal flaw in the grand scheme of whoever created us as a species. (not to say women can't be as merciless and dishonest, nonmonogamous as men but i find it much more rare.) to exemplify.....i am currently having to listen to a pathetic sex tourist coaxe and prod yet another girl (he's on his third this evening) into having unprotected sex (in AIDS-ridden thailand) in various ways, including anal, for the bargain rate of 300 baht, or about $7 us. granted this is thailand and my walls are paper thin, so what should i expect. but it's fucking disgusting if you want to know my truthful opinion. from what i have gathered thus far (and seen from the window) he is a fat, insecure loser. he nitpicks every last baht with the girls, won't take no for an answer until they have to make excuses and run out, and in the meantime humiliates them for not doing everything he wants, saying that they are no good and he will go find another girl. lucky for them it takes him about 1.5 seconds to come. then he spends about ten minutes helping them shakily rehearse lies to their coworkers (no honey i didn't sleep with your man, i promise), and over and over again neurotically forces them to repeat "farang has good heart" (and tells them to pass it on, presumeably to make getting into the other girls' pants more effortless). 'god' help this guy's probable wife at home. this, my friends, is i fear a typical situation in this land of (fake) smiles. it ain't pretty. some people would argue that a whore is a whore and that is what she is there for. to an extent i agree, and even in parts of s.e. asia where there is not much alternative to selling your body in order to survive, i have very little respect for someone who would do so unless they really truly enjoy it. but nevertheless, the fact remains that even a whore is a person, and any person on earth has the right to be respected for decisions they make about their own body. not all men are sex tourists (and in fact there are some women that are), not all sex tourists are pathetic addicts who treat women like shit, and a lot of men who have never paid for sex treat their girlfriends or wives in the same misogynistic way (while i am sure as well that some don't ).... but the point is that a woman is a person with much more to offer than being a cum depository or a living representation of one's masturbatory fantasies, and it's shallow and pathetic to have empty one-sided sex with no intimacy based on just reflexive need for the most part. what goes around will come around eventually. i hope that people who are like this someday can extricate themselves from such a limited lifestyle and be real people again. i truly do believe intimacy and caring make for much better sex than reflexive stimulation and power trips. men, try to treat women with respect despite what your dick tells you in the heat of the moment, even if the woman is having to make their living as your fantasy come to life. you'll have a much better time if you do so. and maybe someday you can even find someone you love and want to be with and have great sex with for as long as it's good, but don't fuck up your chances before they even present themselves to you. anyway, sex is base, i know, and maybe i am wrong to put so much thought into it, but ultimately i think doing so will lead to better sex. can't blame me for trying anyway. there is so much more i could get into, but maybe more later. i'm sleepy. please feel free to send me your own comments, stories, or self-analyses.
|