Wednesday, July 21, 2004


guess you will have to deal with this blog. sorry, just how it is. 
i have been reeling in the lack of human contact again- this city. i know now it is possible to not have any contact with people except on the subway, briefly and physically. not what i'm looking for. it's lonely here! someone be nice to me!(!!) i looked online but everyone my age in my neighborhood thinks they're the next huey lewis (...heh heh). or they are looking to get married and have kids. i am not what they are looking for and they are not what i will settle for. which leaves just coworkers whose moods i have to juggle. after asia i feel like NY must be the most uptight, self-possessed city on earth.

anyway, there's pilates. which i have decided to do alone in my house to keep my arse from getting fat in this cold grey land.
and cire- who's round and tickly but with whom it seems obscene to even think about sex with. more like a brother, who pisses me off most of the time.....grumble.... like now- when he's leaving for (!)rio de janeiro in the next couple of days leaving me here to mope in our (nice pretty) house.  ah well, i'll fix my bike, try to paint either the walls or the canvas. roll around on my big bed alone under the air conditioner and scream at the screaming streets out the window. make that quilt i have been thinking of (with my new sewing machine...) or play my pink guitar!. watch james dean look like a juicy little peach on tv. sigh. paint that chinese dragon head i have been meaning to hang above my refrigerator. go dancing if i am brave enough to dance alone at the 80's/dark wave music night down the street. glue myself to the t.v. whenever six feet under appears to rescue me.
i have to fly to chicago in a week or so. i'm terrified. bombay, kathmandu, phnom penh---- nothing. not a twinge or a shiver. but chicago. i feel like someone in dark glasses will sweep me away there. under the carpet like any little crumb. besides which I have never been one for PR.
had a date last weekend- a real live date and he wasn’t repulsive! unfortunately he is on the marriage warpath and all i can muster up is a half-interested seduction. it’s strange how much in fact how much i miss otto, with his soft brown skin and sweet breath in thailand.  it’s also frustrating how much of a one-man gal i am… i have never been able to just enjoy a casual fling and instead get embroiled in sticky relationships. again, i swear off men for now, including "friends", who all want the same thing from me and that is not me.
just sent off $25,000 to the IRS. no i am not kidding, and don’t even get me started on what nazis they are. pay your taxes when they are due, boys and girls, because this government will fuck you in the ass sooner than you can say “vote kerry”.  so now, after 7 months, i can finally start saving to travel again…. sigh… off to sob. 

my smiley date


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