Saturday, July 31, 2004

where is my mind?

sick today, but more a sickness of the head and heart than the body. one of those days i really can't communicate with anyone, least of all my best friend, who is quite often an inescapable source of mental illness in my life.

a lot of my life has been made up of dazed reeling from the realization that people are not what i thought they were. somehow i still am able to be hurt and confused by that no matter how obvious a pattern it is. sometimes human nature is just so sad. i am always looking for something or someone "real" and missing reality altogether....i won't get into that though... it's tiring. it makes me full of hatred, pain, blank blackness... and i don't like myself when i fall into that sort of futile analytical neuroses. i become haggard and spent, an old woman i never wanted to be.

my mom is dying, which is something that i never thought would happen. i always assumed she would be there for me to passionately detest & revile. i really can't tell how i feel about it- i remember times when i was little and my sister and i would climb on her lap, do her hair, paint awkward kisses on her lips, sing her songs. i remember her smell on the pillows. i remember feeling endless love for her, i suppose i just don't remember getting any back. but my memory is far more bloated with times where we would spit like demons at each other from across the room, and our twisted claws would come out if we approached within a couple feet of each other. mothers are supposed to understand their children more than anyone else on earth, but my mother and i never understood each other, and blamed each other for things that were really the fault of a third party, and this brewed a fanatical resentment that has caused us not to speak for the past five years or so. i decided long ago that her energy is only detrimental in my life. but i never considered her total absence.

life is rhythmical, even in it's disappointments. everytime i think i have things figured out something kills me and i have to start over again at square one. i dance back up to glory and someone holds a mirror up to point out errors and flaws and down i fall again.

....yeeesh. maybe this good friday just needs to be a bad friday for a bit. a new friend sent me a beautiful song to listen to, which transfixed me and made me emotional and grateful for such a small random act of kindness. i am going to put it on repeat.


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