Tuesday, August 17, 2004

dark clouds and rain part II

i had a really mean landlord once, who broke into my apartment and sauntered around whenever he felt like it, day or night. we had an unusually bitter breakup that ended in my humiliation and shame. the funny thing is he doesn't know i am on his email list... so i get all these personal spam mails with funny pictures and jew jokes. weird that people have other sides you never see. i picture him giggling in rubber chicken underpants as his sexy siren wife pats his belly in her new baby doll nightie and fuzzy slippers. unlikely. or is it?

rather morbidly, i have been thoroughly obsessed with death today. lots of little relics of my ex boyfriend tripping me up... deric who choked on his own lungs. byebye deric. he leaves behind more life than most of the living can claim. i wonder stupidly if he watches me, as i pick my nose & masturbate in supposed private. i wonder if he sees me remember him, and if he can feel it. sometimes it's unbelievable that star wars can still exist without him, or the peculiar meat contraptions called steak-umms which he used to shovel into his coal pit belly. he was a music guy. when i met him he was wearing a fishing hat with a stud in his nose and a black vest over a striped shirt. he dj'd silly 80's/goth/industrial party nights and dressed as thing 1 and thing 2 for halloween with his best smiley friend greg. we had cats. i was clumsy and broke all his precious material posessions, including a car which was totalled beyond recognition. he slept with oxygen at night and paced back and forth in the dark, periodically coughing up blood. we had lots of experimental, playful sex in places we shouldn't. i would cry in my sleep. i loved him once, and was terrified of his impending death. i thought it would be much easier to remove myself from him, and circumstances eventually granted my wish. fuzzy memories following death warmed over and once removed are impersonal... and selfish at the same time. just fragments of memories that are colorful and sparkly and silent like sporadic, scratchy old movie reels with no ending. i can't imagine what sort of horrific loss i would have felt had i still been sleeping next to him when hid last breath shuddered out.

m came over tonight. he's beautiful but skinny and artistic but intense and i am simultaneously confused by and intimidated by him. thoroughly distrustful of my crush, i made him spend a regular night with me to feel out whether or not we had any real potential outside of a bar or his house (where i spent last weekend quaking nervously on a futon and distracting myself with his cats and music). i shared some pot with him and we watched tv (six feet under was fascinating as usual). i showed him my travel pictures on my laptop, flinching at every bored nod. he hightailed it out early on in the evening and i felt sad.


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