Saturday, May 28, 2005

chok dee

if there is one thing i have learned about life it's that you need to make balance. i guess my own personal spiritual beliefs align with something like taoism. i think everyone was born into the world with certain things to cripple them. the idea is to learn how to have a happy life despite these things. for balance, life throws you a bone every now and then, and that is luck. if you are not looking you will miss it, and that is bad luck indeed.

my personal hindrance is that every single person i have ever been close to in my life invariably does an about-face at some point, and turns into someone else, a stranger, and sometimes not just a stranger but an enemy... which is an uncertain at best and rather lonely at worst existence. but my luck is financial, which isn't too bad a bone. it's not all luck... a lot of it is hard work, especially of late... but the fact is whenever things start to look even slightly perilous, something always comes through for me. when i was little a fortune teller told me i would always be lucky with money, and it's true... not a ton of money, but enough... but 'o', for instance, insists that no matter how hard he works, he has never been able to find a job yet that actually pays him. as i have witnessed this myself i can vouch for its truth (now he is training with an artist friend to design jewelry for export, but he still has not had one paycheck since i got to thailand). but 'o' has several advantages, among which are a large group of friends, a big personality that endears people to him despite another lack (of education or intelligence, i haven't decided which yet) and of course he has a sugar mama girlfriend of sorts.... my little brother insists that he is crippled by lack of money himself. he makes okay money, but his family sucks most of it up (kids are expensive). yet, he has that family, which bring him untold amounts of happiness. my friend 'k' seems to have everything- a rich family, gorgeousness, a free spirit... but she ends up with really really bad men, who suck the life out of her when she opens herself to them. and so it goes....

it's when you are unable to maintain that balance in your life that things go wrong. these people grow old and bitter, they flounder and mourn. they accuse and regret. they recline and wish and denigrate. not me. no thanks.

to maintain my balance though, i need to start taking care of my body. for the 3rd time in 2 weeks i have gotten some kind of food poisoning. last week i vomited for 2 days straight, into a trash can held under me by a very patient and kind 'o', who rubbed my back and cleaned up afterwards. today i have been in the bathroom more often than not with horrific stomach cramps. but (for balance), i did manage to have a lovely night out of the deal- slurping oysters with fried onions and garlic and sprinkled with herbs last evening. washed down with a beer and looking over the banglamphu street life that i love, at dusk, with kittens scratching at my leg for a spare morsel and toothless men hawking dried squid and guava on the corner. anyway i need yoga at dawn at wat po (temple) or aerobics at the park on the chao phraya (river). and no more smoking and drinking! bangkok air is barely breathable as it is!

my brilliant idea of last week has actually panned out, to my utter and complete surprise. i am still reeling in shock in fact. i decided to offer to the american companies who keep emailing me for jobs that i would accept about half of my normal salary if they were amenable to my telecommuting from thailand. i figured i was an idealistic fool and nothing would come of it, but in actuality my inbox is now overflowing with eager takers. i have already managed to land two contracts. with them, even if i work only ten hours a week, i still make more than i would make working full time in bangkok... and the clincher is i can actually go live wherever i want and do the work, as long as i have an internet connection. i just happen to have a very valuable skillset at this point in time... kind of funny because i think my work is incredibly easy, but hey, i am not going to argue... and thus, my luck continues to flow in and life is good. i told my bangkok job they would have to allow me to telecommute as well or they are history. i hope they choose the former though because i like the guys and they bring a little drama of sorts into my life, for now. it's nice to see the "hi-so" side of things.

missing 'x'... it seems like every time i turn on the tv or radio there is a sappy movie or a love song about the loss of some connection with some person who someone had thought would fulfill all their needs. it's sad but at the same time comforting that this loss is a human thing, shared by all. i have humiliated myself several times over now by begging him to at least be my friend again, but he won't relent (doesn't help that in a particularly angry mood my honesty flares up and i call him bad names), and i have to let him go but i simply am unable yet. i am sure every single reader out there knows what i am talking about and how badly it sucks. but at least i know he is alive and happy and sometimes that is enough to throw the balance back towards the good side of things. and i am happy too.


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