Friday, January 27, 2006



i really don’t have a dog fetish, though if you spent 5 minutes in my neighborhood or took a glance at my door step you would disagree. i am too nice to dogs, as my past relationships could account. my puppy (little puppy!) is in heat and has acquired quite a few boyfriends (the thais joke that they're "gigs") overnight. i am having nightmares about canine hordes. i need me a cattle prod.

speaking of past relationships, i have realized (or admitted might be more apt) that my recent breakup was with a gigolo. damnit! it wasn't my intention in the least. luckily i am not the only one being fooled in thailand. but hey! is it so bad to see the potential in someone and try to encourage it so they feel good about themselves and are in a better position? erm... to care? ...yes it is, when all they care about is what you can give them and not what they can give themselves or even (arai na?) give back to you... lesson learned. thais have a lack of interest in love and an obsession with status and security. i miss 'o''s cooking and driving and thai
jabber but otherwise i am loving my space. and the extra money!

my island, like most of thailand right now i think (?) is full of honeymooners or young couples with kids. there is a severe dearth of interesting people here now, hiding out in their bungalows. the village people think it's quite hilarious that i am alone and don't hesitate to point and talk openly. i just beam at them and shrug. i do speak thai enough to laugh with them at least. and i was never under any illusion that i was anything but a farang. i still eat kway tio daily and buy tamarind in their shops. keep their bartenders from getting too bored. nod to them on the beach or at the karaoke place. dodge their speeding pickups.

i am allergic to everything suddenly, and thus spend a lot of time cleaning my house... after which the dogs skate through with muddy paws dangling dead rats and ashes from one of the assorted noxious fires scattered around. when i lay down to sleep i have to be prepared for an hour of sneezing. my sheets smell funny after monsoon. i take antihistamines that must have some kind of meth in them because my eyes instantly peel back into my head and i stop breathing. but it gets better.

i made my own thai food! so far yum pla muk (spicy squid salad) and tom pla (an herbal fish soup). the latter succeeded nicely, i fear the former was raw. thai boys schmai boys. tonight i will make stir fried chicken and ginger with my friend who is here.

my little sister who is now a big girl just visited and freaked me out with her confidence and cheer. last time i saw her she was and awkward and innocent 13, now she's 21. it's nice to have the connection of a history together, even if most of it sucked. she's lovely. the thai boys sensed a newbie and tried to tease her into corners the whole time. she likes to dance and drink with me and brings out my girliness a bit. i met her in bangkok and took her on the train to kanchanaburi, where we cautiously petted huge tigers at a temple and hung out with a wide eyed american boy who waiied everyone and spoke his two words of thai upon every meeting. ran through the ww2 museum in a bored daze. drank the requisite buckets of sangsom in a bar with a group of rowdy europeans and a thai guy -with an actual job and courtesy who proved they are not all alike. met an old but rather bouncy and giggly mamasan who tried to get us to party instead of sleeping and failed.

after which i brought lil sis to my village, which is admittedly sleepy and isolated but somehow infectious i hope. she got too lazy to do anything and i was feeling staticky about my new and disturbing situation there, so after a couple of days on the beach with my romping dogs and a stressful trip to the full moon "party" (i would call it a gathering of heathens actually) we ditched my island and went straight to pattaya on a neverending bus ride. (yes, another gathering of heathens!) there we ate mexican and got drunk on margaritas, judged teams of ladyboys dressed like divas for the evening, watched queerboys swim in their undies in an aquarium, critiqued a bit of thai boxing and snake...touching. made fun of fat old farangs with blossoming, painted and sparkling young girls in hand. walked through the air conditioned mall as often as possible and slept in our messy hotel room in front of bad thai tv.

then koh samet which was for nightlife but weirdly again there was none. the beach was sparkling white though and there were fish in the water. we slouched under umbrellas with coconuts. our room was super plush. there were lots of small animals to coo over.

i was sorry to let her go in bangkok. little sisters are lovely things.

back in my village i am again weirded out by the lost feeling, the isolation even in a crowd. but i have another project lined up so i will tough it out(!) here in paradise working from my house and fending off dogs (and men) on the beach for american money for now.


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