Saturday, May 20, 2006

schizoid in a bottle

in life you are not all things to all people. some people bring out some
sides of you, some places bring out others. you are never the same person
from one minute to the next, let alone in one place with one person. i
learned this from a nearly decade-long relationship, the only permanent
aspect of a lifetime succession of lives.

lately i have missed the other "me"s. in this village i am a very simplified
version of elocin. when i am hungry i eat. when i need to poo i poo. when i
feel sleepy i drag the mosquito net over the bed and hide away. i have the
same routine every day, see the same people, feel the same feelings. every morning it is beautiful. every day i take deep breaths and say "puppy let's go to the beach". there is no alarm clock, there is no must do or must be. there is no conflict or discord or pain. it's a life of tranquil sedation, which in my other perspectives can be justified only by a (slowly but surely) waxing bank account and a waning interest in the rat race past. even so, in this life i am 100% the happiest i have ever been.

but like a friend told me, the goal of life is not happiness, it is life.
secretly i know this to be true, but here i am hiding in my simple life, from
life. some people want to run away from familiarity and routine, and i am
typically one of those people who understands that to settle is to die, but
never really having experienced placidity and familiarity before, i am
finding it seductive, for now. it's not a bad thing, i shouldn't feel so much guilt, i just wonder sometimes what happened to all the other lives, all the other sides of me, and if they will ever come back again.

if there is any introspection these days it is of a sexual nature. partly
because i have a glaring lack of sex in my life, partly because it just seems so important to everyone else here in uninhibited tourist and transactional sex land, partly because with no barrage of obstacles it is easier for those things buried and embedded inside the meat of me to start wriggling their way out. it's not like sex isn't freely available, i could walk out of my house and be in a compromising position within the quarter hour. it's not like i am not admired or propositioned. but the truth is there is not a me that exists that is not terrified of sex. or more specifically, of men.

...long explanation deleted because i am too honest and people love to dress up false interpretations for themselves and flaunt them like rabid popparazi in the wrong circles ("me"s which are sadly not me at all)... but perhaps some deduction can be made towards the fact that my chosen sexual partners have all been "safe" rather than ideal, and that i am in denial of my reproductive programming and feminine wiles. that i will always fight against my nature (which may not be bisexual at all). and since from a very early age i learned that when i looked into a man's eyes i am simply a woman, i don't know if i can ever accept that i am.

here's hoping i meet a nice young lad to break down all those tedious barriers and set me free before i wither into an old hag on the hill with my dogs, happy though she may be.


stillwandering said...

As always, thanks Elocin for your honesty, even if idiots do force you to cut it short. Nice to see familiar thoughts are not as alone as one thinks. Be well, who knows what the wind will bring.

1:08 AM  

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