Tuesday, November 30, 2004


we awake late and notice our window is open and has been turned upside down. i don't think anything of it until i look for my phone and find it absent. i frown curiously, thinking i have misplaced it, until otto feels around for his and notices it is also gone. apparently someone broke in and stole them both sometime in the past couple of days. my laptop, iPod, camera, and wallet had all been left out, unlocked, but for some reason they only took the cellphones (though maybe a bit of money has gone missing as well- i don't keep track). we feel stunned and suspicious. ot can not get over the fact that one of his friends must have done this. he shakes his head and wrings his hands in disbelief. don't you know? i say. you can not trust anyone.

Monday, November 29, 2004


the full moon party took me by surprise. i was lazy and didn’t bother to even take a shower before heading to the other side of the island, figuring i would just take a look at it, be disgusted, and leave early. i didn’t realize my friends all had at least two full days of non-stop decadence planned.

it stormed all day. ot and i slept in. in the afternoon we grilled tuna steaks and squid at the bar and drank buckets of sangsom, so by about 10p i was already satiated and sleepy. nevertheless, i hopped into a pickup truck with 12 other people, crammed like sardines but with a party atmosphere. the moon peeked out behind ominous clouds.

the road to the other side of the island is terrifying to begin with. let alone for 40 mins. in a very overloaded truck in questionably sober traffic heading both ways on steep narrow dirt paths. the caravan of trucks all collided at one final crossroads in haad rin, where loads and loads of scantily dressed farangs all jumped out and scattered their respective ways.

haad rin was overrun with people scurrying like roaches over the mounds of litter. thai people sat on the beach painting faces and bellies. fire twirlers lined the water, which was lit with colored lights and the moon. groups of very wasted people were scattered on mats, and dancing or making out in every inch of space. stalls selling fruit and ready-made buckets of alcohol hovered in the shadows. whit- ever the polite host- insisted on showing us around. this meant following him all over the beach from bar to bar, so he could hit each dj on the arm and discuss the (horrid) music for at least a half hour while ot and i covered our ears to keep them from bleeding as a result of screaming sound systems. drugs changed hands in the corners. thai girls slithered up to ot and danced suggestively, while a very well built australian guy gave me the eye from across the black lit dance floor. our (married) thai friends quickly picked up new companions and disappeared one by one, at which point ot and i realized that the whole point of this party was to locate and consummate sex. it is not the place to come with a significant other.

this was actually a smaller party, as it’s low season, but i was not really prepared for just how many people there would be. i was in fact a bit claustrophobic after my secluded beach of no farangs. it was nearly impossible to move amongst the flourescent painted, half dressed hedonists writhing with buckets in hand. we were able to squeeze into an alley where we could sit on a cooler and get a better view. i enjoyed this as it allowed me to play voyeur. we were across from a falafel stand run by belligerent israelis who danced and shouted more than they served, and were surrounded by winking, working thai girls. the passing crowd was full of voluptuous gals with flowing hair and exposed breasts, labeled prominently with such catchy phrases as “suck me”. shirtless men sweated and rippled from underneath wacky hats and glowing necklaces, and stumbled towards single girls with memorized pick up lines. a small medical center was next to the falafel shop, and ot and i were bemused by the amount of people we could only presume were dead or near dead being dragged in by terrified friends, and left on the floor to convulse while the jaded nurse just shook her head. we also saw a fat man and a hippie girl fucking behind a dumpster.

several buckets later- none of which i touched but were heartily drunk by ot, i decided i had seen enough. whit, now plastered, was trying to get us to do ecstacy with him and head to a bar on the mountain at 6am, and i just wasn’t in the mood for that kind of party. on the one hand it is definitely one of the more decadent nights i have ever seen (and i have seen many), but on the other hand i was sort of disgusted by all the people who had managed only to lose control, and i felt abysmally sorry for the thai staff.

whit exasperatedly dragged us back to the taxi area, ot spluttering, where we saw that our driver had used his time well and had gotten clumsily wasted, in true party spirit. i managed to convince him (a policeman) to engage a markedly more sober friend to drive us back at about 5am. at least 10 drunk israelis jumped in back and screamed the entire way home. we helped pull a stray pickup truck out of a muddy ditch. ot went to bed muttering in his sleep and i walked on the beach and took pictures of the moon. i slept kindly through the few remaining hours of the night.

our friends returned the next night, still wasted and still partying. sheesh. these people have incredible staying power. we turned down their offer of opium and left them drooling in hammocks, promising ourselves that next time we would be more prepared. it’s good to let loose sometimes, but friday night was not one of them for me.

p.s. my USB drive broke so no pics for now. i have lots to come later.

Friday, November 26, 2004

perfect storm

after dreaming about tidal waves of blood yesterday the locals informed ot and i that a huge storm is hitting the island sometime between now and tomorrow morning. our beachfront hut is a ringside seat, so we are holing up in the much safer and more fun bar up the hill... which is becoming our second home (ot and i are basically running it). we have stored food and water and all our valuables and our dog ('happy')- plan to make a party of it. there is plenty of beer etc.

in thailand i often accidentally catch myself really living life! i am happy. the best part about this country is that people are so generous. i have found the more you give, the more you get back. ot and i opened pee whit's bar for him- we made flyers, we bartend, we socialize with the drunkards, i play movies on my laptop and burn mix cds for the dj.... yesterday he took us around the whole island on motorbike. not an easy feat. ko phangan is huge, and there is really just one developed beach at the very south of it (haad rin) and the rest is very slow paced and empty (and treacherous). mae haad was my favorite area other than where we are staying (which really is the best). it has a private snorkelling beach and beautiful sunsets. ot and i stocked up on food at the 7-11 and down the road at the thai market. we rode on overloaded bikes all the way back home and made a huge barbecue of squid and tuna steaks, salad and garlic bread. afterwards there was a spontaneous party at the bar, and at 5am ot and i sleepwalked down the hill to our little hut with our dog, being buffeted by the approaching storm.

Monday, November 22, 2004


location?: thong nai pan yai beach, ko phan gan island, south thailand. a.k.a. the middle of nowhere. here follows the babble of the pleasantly stranded one.

cire might have something right about all this space... from everything.

laaaa!!!!! i can scream and look at green waves and walk around half naked in the sun. no fish here, or cocktails- i am lucky to find fruit. lots of tall coconut trees. shady quiet bushes, no insects, but frogs. my retinas are burning! staring into thai smiles all day and wondering when it’s going to hit me.... the hollow lack of genuinity.....though the thai people here are less like performing simians than most i meet on the islands. they are incurious people.....not to be “unhappily happy” as some wise man once said (see previous blogrant). but i do wish i could understand more thai (twiddles thumbs). i smile and look like i am in on the joke all through breakfast at the kway tio stand but i only really catch a stray hopping word here or there, and we have all played the telephone game in nursery school........ i have this confusedly uncanny feeling that plots are hatching all around me as i nod and murmur stupidly.... i get grumbly and have to leave and go do something- ot tailing along. for the past week it is me hatching my own plot of how to get some Business over tea and noodle soup (give massages? test bongs?)... they could use a thai market here but it’s not exactly cheap to start one of those is it? (>>learn thai elocin eh>>) ....or musing on what the hell(!) i am going to do when i get to new york instead. but that’s nice too! the thinking.... especially on my bed, hanging my toes out the window into fresh air and treetops, and banging on my laptop, or drooling into the hot sun on my hammock.

....we can’t go anywhere because like a previous trip i had with said wise man, i have stumbled unawares upon monsoon season, this time in the backcountry of phan gan. the roads are very amusing. the sheer drops into the ocean or jungle- hilarious!.... better ridden on by motorbikes than hitting our heads in a pickup truck we learned the other day, on an spontaneous epic trip to haad rin in the far south of this mammoth hairy island. there we found screaming ads for the vomit-inducing full moon party (think rave) and lots of boring farangs like slimy fish laid out to dry in the sun, with fake shiny playthings there to bait them in case there is any remaining energy (or money) in them. but fish! which we brought back staring dead wrapped in plastic. and fruit, which is my snack of choice- ah, the lust for an apple. ot even saw a few friends- shock, horror.... he judges friends by how much they give to him. he is the only one who gives back..... we had to race back home up the mountain blindly at night, me screaming hoarsely, once getting stuck waste deep on motorbike in a shallow-looking river, to get home. but back safely we flapped exhausted into the shed of the fisherman and his tales and drank rum, grilling our fish at the back of his hovel and stealing his rice.....

the beach is empty and plush. scattered bungalows yawning into grass patches.

ot speaks thai with the locals and i try to hum along with the words until i find a pattern to grasp. we walk the same village street every day, idly nodding, pick through the markets for a stray oreo or sticky rice. people stray here. a couple of skinny bemused farang men, diligently putting up signs and peering around them hopefully for high season. wrinkled old hags with betel nuts falling out of red stained mouths gnash from worn hammocks, wrapped in silk sarongs. squinty fisherman carrying nets slung on necks. a few “wailun” (young boys) lollygagging.... but not much in the way to see. buildings in various stages of construction lined with rugs and lazing people. dogs and motorbikes providing the breeze on the way to the karaoke bar, where you sing along to the words on screen of the huge jukebox which has a shamelessly loud speaker system. we wander a path back to curl up like shrimp on hammocks and laugh at dogs bumping their noses at crabs. ot(to) tries to be as sweet and obliging as possible (like a best pal slave with occasional sloppy affection). we alternate porch and sand. we climb up the jungle mountain behind us to another jungle bar echoing remnants of a previous –erm- jungle bar ot and i were unwittingly part of the downfall of.... and think about how to start anew! we have already written this bar off (too many mosquitos, bad music, smoking a lot), but it’s fun making party flyers for the sleepy owner, dj’ing with my iPod (they know nothing about “indie rock”- yippee! i am keeping them in the dark on that one ), and helping him decorate with found objects (dirt and rocks til i cough up moola). ot makes lavish dinners in the kitchen shack that nobody marvels at, as most of them are southern and he is isaan.

i would like to take ot travelling more. isn’t he lucky. we discussed the fact that in thai culture they are very generous to each other. “my home is your home” is taken literally. thais impose upon each other in ways that make me blush. so though he expects me to give and takes advantage of it, he gives back as much as he can. (i have realized otto is not a loser, as he is very good at a lot of things- better than i am at anything. he just has a hippie way about him- he wants everyone to be happy and if he is in a room and no one is laughing then he feels wrong. his whole life centers around welcoming and entertaining people and giving in exchange for getting as much as he can). the subject came up that his female cousin had married a fat german who died a couple of months later. she had already moved to germany and inherited a lot of money upon his sudden death, so... yeah they were “really sad” about the whole thing but his whole extended family is sweatily anticipating salvation.

goodnight. off to watch my pirated simpsons series dvd. ;)

Sunday, November 21, 2004


i found this old letter from my wise man friend:

1 it's three thirty five. Im at the kitchen at the table, in the shadow of the sun, trying to get drunk. It's cheaper here, then there: at the bar. Listening to horse With no Name. 2 can I tell you. I didn't do anything today. Im drowning. I answered some email, I slid off the side of the bed in a pile of sheets and lay there looking at the dust under the bed. And im sure my lazy eye wandered to other places. 3 when you go crazy, they put you in straightjackets so you cant scratch your nose, this makes you crazier still and proves their point. People are mad and mean. 4 we have gone all over the place, you remember; the places, the nights we've spent overseas or on roof tops or in hotel beds. There is more and more and really, when you come down to it, to me - that is all that matters. Sometimes I feel I was just born to witness. Not 'look' at things and people like you do. Not 'see' things as you must in your tilted head, but just be there. I want to be everyplace that has a name. Just for the experience. 5 you understand. 6 I only have two beers. Can two beers get me drunk. Can I write you before you get home. Will you read me or just scan it because its Just from me. When you leave you may think I just lay in bed and Squander my life away, but youre wrong and it's not true, im having an affair.. with the sock monkey, we dance, we laugh, we have tea parties until three. I never thought I would find someone that understands me as much as the sock monkey does, it's loosly sewn arm, it's red smile which is so similar to its ass.. if no-one can, the sock monkey can 7 languishing. Are you. You seem happy, I mean unhappily happy. I would never call you Content. Maybe; easy but unpleased, or; regretfully satisfied. I think we both have three people inside us. 8 I am still hiding, I don't go outside, I open the side door to get air, when I hear A bounce about I cringe. I can see her, smiling and Zen, it is unnerving. The wind blows consistently 9 now your home, pasty, white and sick. Grouchy. I sit on the edge of the bed discussing the ever frightening logistics of our present poverty. I would like to get out. I feel like im in a sinkhole. 10 we should get a newspaper and glue it to our arms and feet and stand out in the wind to blow away like kites.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

island girl

the city (any city) seems vile, soulless compared to the ease and beauty of this island. this is not ko chang- there is no nightlife, no social network, no boat trips. just pleasant, lazy, easiness. swim in the sea, read on hammocks, stare at the sun. eat, walk, play with the dogs. forget everything. breathe. watch movies on my laptop. plug my ears at the thai karaoke down the street. i have gone days without checking email, washing my hair, or having a conversation in english with anyone other than otto. he spends a lot of time writing poetry that i am unable to judge as it is written in thai, and floating on his back in the sea. bangkok can kill you. i am glad i escaped it.

changed my ticket to return home to NY on january 14th, per cire’s request, so i have almost 2 months left to do whatever i want. i want to write a book or some magazine articles, but my computer screen is going to die any day now so i may have to stick to making mobiles out of shells and coral. :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


........i am now by the way on ko phan gan- thong nai pan yai beach to be exact, which is a sort of paradise. it is like ko chang 5 years ago- especially in rainy season (which we tripped into unawares). we (that would be ot and i) are kilometers (over hellish and unbelievable roads) from civilization. we are two of just a handful of people here. we have had trouble finding food and there is little in the way of entertainment. we balked at this at first, but as at the beginning of this trip i am realizing that a bit of quiet and solitude in nature really can be lovely. we own this beach. we have a little bungalow right on the sand, our hammock tied from the porch to an adjacent palm tree. i have become dog girl as usual and all of them have adopted us and congregated on my porch for the evening. ot (playing the part of a well paid friend) is sleeping next to me, but not touching. we both have a mutual understanding that we won’t bother with the facade of being boyfriend and girlfriend, which has taken a huge load of pressure off and allowed us to both relax and be quite nice to each other. we have explored the entire island hanging sideways off of breakneck cliffs on our motorbike. we swim in the beautiful sea and rub our toes into the white sand as large bats hover over our heads and strains of thai music float in and out of our ears. we have made several thai friends on the island (ot can make friends with anyone), and tonight we cooked a big seafood dinner with the family that watches over our land. the father was a fisherman for 40 years. he had tales of huge ships, horrifying storms. he was adrift at sea for 2 days once after his ship sank, clutching a buoy until a group of indonesian policemen found him and threw him in jail for being in illegal waters. in fact he has been in jail in several countries for the same reason but he insists the money was worth it. he preferred the jail in india as it had good food, lots of thai people, and little contact with indians. burma on the other hand basically starved and tortured him. his fat wife he affectionately calls “hippo”. his kids raced motorbikes in the driveway that were twice the size that they were.

good to be around good people. good to breathe fresh air, see the stars, have space to think. good to be reading murakami, who in many ways has saved my life. good feeling less poisoned and more alive.

no idea how long we’ll stay but i have loads of time.

Monday, November 15, 2004


if only it could be nighttime all the time- i think i could be a real writer then. in the daytime it is too hard to think about anything not completely practical, and the bombardment of stimuli in the light paradoxically prevents you from seeing much at all. in the nighttime i tend to be scattered but at least somewhat introspective and creative.

cire and i once had a conversation about honesty, and writing honestly. we agreed that after all it may be impossible. there are always two sides to every story- and only two if you are lucky (which honestly i rarely am). nothing in life can really be proven or disproven... can’t please all the people all of the time..... yada yada. in a way my journal is a farce because i write so much that really has nothing at all to do with my real life. i feel guilty when i receive letters of praise for my honesty, as even though i am honest, there is a lot i leave out, and hence you see only a mere slice of the pie, which in turn fails to be honest. i have realized that no one will really ever know or understand me or vice versa, but in a way i would like to wipe the slate clean and start again- with a REALLY honest journal which would elicit real emotions and not report transient dimwitted happenstance and which really examined myself and my life with the utmost thoroughness, for my own benefit as well as any bored reader’s..... perhaps then i could attract some real understanding. it’s possible- maybe?

i suppose i don’t do so for a few reasons- i started out writing a travel journal for one.... i never meant to bring anything really personal into it, and i am not sure i ever really could via this tool. i have learned in a short time that people don’t understand why i would ever want to lay myself bare, and it isn’t something they just let slide. to me, i have only myself to give. i know i am insignificant, but i will use my voice while i have it and if anyone learns anything from it or relates to it at all then i have not failed. but i know also that these same people who are not on the list of people who care to know me will in fact rape me for all i am worth. they will post things out of context on message boards, they will forward my musings to the wrong people. they will twist what i say and who i am because, well, that’s what they do isn’t it, when they can’t or won’t understand. they destroy. honestly, i don’t want to feed the bears. i want to relate to them is all.

anyway. i have a lot to say. i suppose i am a bit hesitant to say it. i am considering a pseudonym and a different method of delivery. but first i need to be positive enough that i find it worth it, instead of trying to throw myself into the path of everything fatal, which is where i have been lately and where i anticipate being upon my return home unless i can make some major changes in my life.

yikes. i wish you could understand. but i am babbling.

Thursday, November 11, 2004


i am forgetting myself again here, don't want to do that. bangkok the flea trap. i cannot fathom as to why i have been here so long trying to squeeze a measly couple k from people who are more interested in taking it from me. i suppose it's such a generally easy life here as a “rich farang” that i am easily seduced- a slut in fact- by the daily thai experience. my biggest problem is i love to be around thai people, new thai people... but it's like playing make believe- it's never really new after all, and though i feel safe and warm it is not my home and i AM a farang (which equals sex toy + atm card). the social contact feeds me but it isn't a healthy diet. i drink too much, smoke (!how ridiculously disgusting!) too much.... sleep way too late.

(my friends)

i have spent a few days digging through the sweaty markets for things to sell online... and of course the first key to doing business in thailand is being able to speak the language somewhat.... so i have to rely on otto, who is not a businessman though he does know how to sell to farangs, to translate and order for me. first one was already a flop..rrrrmmmm. i could do this, and i could eek a living out of it, but it is not what i want to do with my life in the real long run, all very fun nightlife excepted. i do have more dreams than this... and i can work hard when i need to, even if i have to go back to my stupid real life. if i cannot be happy where i am then there is a challenge to be met. er.....right?.

today the energy in the air was bad.... and i feel ill and can't eat, probably all the smoke and exhaust in my face all day. i read 'the little prince' in one sitting. wished i had gotten a massage. stared at the tv for a bit--- what???? i met a friend from NY (ot's ex girlfriend who lives here, actually now) and we were shooting the shite (bitching about certain aspects of thailand). suddenly i completely passed out and fell on the street. she picked me up and nursed me for half an hour (and so to my embarassment did half the tuk tuk drivers and qway tio ladies) and suddenly it hit me.... i have to get out of here.

i drank with otto at a nice happy bar with good air flow away from people. it had giraffes painted on the bathroom wall which reflected in the mirror and out to the room. otto drives me crazy because one night he will be really understanding and the next he'll be an obsessive idiot. thankfully tonight we were cool. all fake (greedy) smiles aside i really do feel he cares about me. which makes me feel bad. i care about him a lot too but i cannot take the asian view of women for long, er...not to mention their views on just about everything, and thus it can never be......

but i admit right now i am tempted to take him with me to an island, where i can eat healthily, swim in the sea, and not have to fend off other gigolo boys so constantly. be calm before i have to return to the storm. make him happy while i make myself happy. not sure if that is even possible concordingly.

later tonight i was sitting in a room with a bunch of little rich thai kids who are four to five years younger than me and spending all their money on tattoo equipment and alcohol, and i couldn't take it anymore. i left, (patting them on the head because i know they hate it). i took the 3rd taxi ride this week where i genuinely feared for my life (or at least my wallet). i have learned to dissuade them from stopping on shaded corners and trying to "help" me get my money out.

and i went home to sleep but here i am,zombified by all the poisons in my body.... happy, but my back is killing me, my lungs filled with crap, my belly churning with sangsom, my brain has had enough confusion, i am all hyped up and finally ready to get out.

p.s. i really miss you cire

Monday, November 08, 2004


i am torn between trying as hard as i can to stay here (ie. getting an apartment and really attempting to make an idea work) or just enjoying the month and a half i have left and resigning myself to going back to the US in january. if i followed my heart i would stay here, of course, but it's not that simple. i have to send $500/month home to pay a debt. and any salary i might make here would not be much more than that a month! the only way i could possibly do it is if i was able to find something that paid at least 60,000 baht ($1500) per month, and that is not likely. i have been trying, and with my efforts it could be possible to make this amount eventually.... but i can't wait long for it to kick in. sigh.... i really really don't want to go home. i have not a single reason to go home except money- i can't take the crippling loneliness and feeling of disgust at the rat race there any longer. i don't know what to do but it doesn't seem anything is going to fall into my lap.

Sunday, November 07, 2004


hmmm... what's going on now... well besides wanting to cry or vomit (or both) at the fact that bush won the election (to the utter horror and derision of the rest of the world as well as myself), i am doing well. i am still in bangkok, not trapped but working on a business plan which was kindly suggested by a reader and which just might work very very well. keeping bali as a back up plan in case of failure. otherwise i am meeting lots of interesting people (when i manage to avoid the very obsessive otto, which entails a lot of outright meanness). i have met a couple of girls who have landed themselves very lucky jobs- one on a yacht sailing around southeast asia and australia and one as a nanny travelling all over europe and getting free vacations on her own to asia (why don't i find things like this?). i also ran into a couple of younger thai men i met last year- they are djs, tattoo artists, and hairdressers who studied overseas and don't really have to work. it's a change to meet richer thai people for once, who have a lot more in common with my interests and way of life than the usual thais i meet. we have a lot of fun.

& that's it for now....

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

a bit...erm...trapped

woke up with glands the size of watermelons and a general need for some sort of anesthesia. feeling like crap, can’t move much, grumpy. ot calls, cheerful, and asks me to lunch, and i agree weakly. we eat crispy fish and islamic food near thammasat university, an old haunt. he doesn’t talk much, seems annoyed. i explain to him that i feel nothing for him as a boyfriend anymore, and it’s true. he is sad but agrees to be friends. we grab a tuk tuk- he off to work and me to my air conditioned room, to lay in all day. felicity calls- she has planned for us to go to ko samet for the five days she has left before she leaves for india. hating ko samet and not feeling up to travelling, i flake, feeling guilty. she is not friendly, and hangs up promptly. i sigh. thinking about where to go- english teaching: out. i don’t want to work unless it’s for a really good cause. bali: possibly. india/nepal: i would actually love to take otto but i fear i don’t have the time or money. north thailand: done it, and my would be thai killers are there. malaysia: nah. burma: can’t find an interesting reason to contribute to their government. china/tibet: again, time and money (as well as reluctance to go alone). which leaves..... the beach. again. hmmm. if only one of those interesting circumstances that seem to happen to other people would come my way. ie. jenai with her benefactor friend who opened a shop for her on ko samui, no strings attached. or even felicity, who fell into a glamourous job sailing around australia and asia. i would do just about anything fun or enriching or charitable at this point, but i suppose i am not good at finding such opportunities. meanwhile i will just enjoy being free.

pet bunny at bar


Tuesday, November 02, 2004


bangkok is like one of those glue traps used to catch rats in NY- it seems innocuous enough but once here it is easy to fall into the laziness, the craziness.... i need to leave and i know that, but i am stuck. sometimes the hardest part about travelling is deciding where to go next. but this time i do not have so much money anyway, and my options are thus limited. i have decided to just relax, since going back to NY is sure to be hell this time (with cire kicking me out and having to find a new job & all). i plan to enjoy myself without putting on the pressure to keep moving. easier said than done.

today was a bad day overall, a horrible start to november. i awoke really late in the afternoon, which always makes me annoyed with myself. i groggily made my way to the shower and turned it on. then the phone rang and i ran to get it.... instantly slipping on the very slippery tiles and falling backwards with nothing to stop me. i hit my head harder than i have ever hit it in my life. not to mention my spine, which i fear must be horribly out of whack. i couldn’t see for at least ten minutes, and laid there for an hour, unmoving, my phone squawking helplessly out of reach.
when i was finally clearheaded enough to get up, i noticed that my head had swollen to the size of another whole head. my back was screaming. i was unable to move my jaw much at all. thus i spent the entire day alone, in horrible pain, and scared half to death of brain swelling.

later on i tried to venture out without meeting ot. he had called me several times late last evening, drunk, blubbering, and unable to find his way home. i ran into felicity (kiwi) from last night and we went to have a drink. i like her but i have serious problems being interested in well-adjusted people, not being one myself. we bored each other a bit. ot showed up, to my annoyance, with a british friend. they chatted. i rolled my eyes. around midnight i excused myself with felicity, ot blustering unhappily. she and i had a chat on the street with mr. kool, in his short cutoffs, who attempted to coerce us into his room so we could have amazing orgasms at his hand (ugh). we escaped to gullivers, where we met a very nice australian guy who kept us in drinks, and a gorgeous boy from turkey who likes me a lot but can’t speak the english to say so. we danced to horrible music, dodging bar girls. afterwards we sat on khao san, watching the freak show that is afterhours, and the police who were trying to disperse it. another pointless night of drunkenness. i went home feeling like a car crash. ot called in the wee hours to say fuck off.

Monday, November 01, 2004


waiting all day for the evening, as halloween on khao san road ends up being a big production. otto has practiced for months playing with his band for the occasion. i dress up as a vampiress, making do with the clothes i have with me and a pair of fake teeth i bought in NY. otto shows up around 8p with a bouquet of flowers. i shrug them aside, as i am being very firm about our just being friends (and with separate places this has worked so far). we meet up with his thai friends, all dressed up for the occasion, and head to khao san.


there are more thai people than there are farangs, dressed as vampires, witches, generally dead people, and one in particular a thai ghost who lives in a banana tree (very creative). the street is packed, it’s hard to move. we manouever towards a space on the street, where more of otto’s friends (whom i am happy to see after a long absence) are waiting. they play music and the crowd gathers around. free buckets of sangsom and cola magically appear. everyone is dancing. we are filmed for the evening news. i scare children with my teeth and several people want to take my picture. a kiwi girl i had met last year on ko chang appears for a happy reunion. we gossip and dance...... suddenly it’s 2am and the police (who have been unusually lenient about closing times tonight), walk in a line down the street, shooing revellers. everyone realizes at once that they are super drunk. otto can not walk. kiwi girl is passed out on the arm of an argentinian guy. bo and somghiat are being overly affectionate. i am the only one in control. i grab ot’s arm and his drum and push him towards a ‘jok’ stall on the next block. we eat rice porridge with pork, drooling and swaying conspicuously. finally i tell ot to go home. he looks shattered, but i leave him anyway. i wander towards my home and run into the australian guy i am embarrassingly obsessed by (i have been dreaming about him every night since i met him). we chat over pumpkin seeds and beer. he staggers off and finally i am home. i fall asleep to a horror movie on my tv. happy halloween.

suay mai?