Wednesday, May 31, 2006

mae mort

having evaluated and discarded every person of the male gender in my village and the next one, and being rather down about it, i surreptitiously planned a day to run off and find this young lad named 'mmm' (yes thai), whom i met in koh lanta a couple years ago and spent a nice couple days with, and who has recently come to live on koh phangan. as he lived all the way on the other side of the island, i determined to make it an adventure. i invited my friends dao and malee, whose every blonde bubbly fucked up day is an adventure that usually far surpasses mine, but is happily distributed amongst the three of us when we set out together. i rented a jeep (which amazingly i have discovered just now and which gives me greedy freedom) and drove on the wicked road all the way round the island to had yao. teeter tottered over the hill to the beach, climbed up to the roof of a bar to watch the sunset on the powdery white sand. chilled out a bit in the feeling of someplace new and not thong nai pan. went to a bar where my friends got drunk and i laughed at them (driver), while flirting with the young, small but lovely and super achingly sweet mmm in the peripheral. drove back around the island to the black moon party and danced on the beach...a bit of fuzzy warm hallucination. discovered mmm sitting alone there, and decided to take him home.

i can't give all the details after village knowing everything is bad enough... but a nice time was had... and i remembered how beautiful thai boys can be, and i left him back on the road to had yao with a slight sad twinge of regret in having to leave it, and that's that. love ya mmm goodbye.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

schizoid in a bottle

in life you are not all things to all people. some people bring out some
sides of you, some places bring out others. you are never the same person
from one minute to the next, let alone in one place with one person. i
learned this from a nearly decade-long relationship, the only permanent
aspect of a lifetime succession of lives.

lately i have missed the other "me"s. in this village i am a very simplified
version of elocin. when i am hungry i eat. when i need to poo i poo. when i
feel sleepy i drag the mosquito net over the bed and hide away. i have the
same routine every day, see the same people, feel the same feelings. every morning it is beautiful. every day i take deep breaths and say "puppy let's go to the beach". there is no alarm clock, there is no must do or must be. there is no conflict or discord or pain. it's a life of tranquil sedation, which in my other perspectives can be justified only by a (slowly but surely) waxing bank account and a waning interest in the rat race past. even so, in this life i am 100% the happiest i have ever been.

but like a friend told me, the goal of life is not happiness, it is life.
secretly i know this to be true, but here i am hiding in my simple life, from
life. some people want to run away from familiarity and routine, and i am
typically one of those people who understands that to settle is to die, but
never really having experienced placidity and familiarity before, i am
finding it seductive, for now. it's not a bad thing, i shouldn't feel so much guilt, i just wonder sometimes what happened to all the other lives, all the other sides of me, and if they will ever come back again.

if there is any introspection these days it is of a sexual nature. partly
because i have a glaring lack of sex in my life, partly because it just seems so important to everyone else here in uninhibited tourist and transactional sex land, partly because with no barrage of obstacles it is easier for those things buried and embedded inside the meat of me to start wriggling their way out. it's not like sex isn't freely available, i could walk out of my house and be in a compromising position within the quarter hour. it's not like i am not admired or propositioned. but the truth is there is not a me that exists that is not terrified of sex. or more specifically, of men.

...long explanation deleted because i am too honest and people love to dress up false interpretations for themselves and flaunt them like rabid popparazi in the wrong circles ("me"s which are sadly not me at all)... but perhaps some deduction can be made towards the fact that my chosen sexual partners have all been "safe" rather than ideal, and that i am in denial of my reproductive programming and feminine wiles. that i will always fight against my nature (which may not be bisexual at all). and since from a very early age i learned that when i looked into a man's eyes i am simply a woman, i don't know if i can ever accept that i am.

here's hoping i meet a nice young lad to break down all those tedious barriers and set me free before i wither into an old hag on the hill with my dogs, happy though she may be.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

boy howdy

i have been asked to move the photo of scruffy's mangled balls out of sight, so here is attempt to wrassle my brain to the ground and squeeze out a few drops of writing. hi! i live on an island. it's nice. hard to get food where i live though, and no one will sell me a car for my budget and i don't have a license. so i depend on gaeng, my local taxi driver, to lug me behind him through the jungle to town. i sometimes treat myself to khao mun gai in the old market or an english breakfast and coffee in the new one. i pick through vegetable stalls and carry around smelly bloody fish wrapped in plastic. wake up the newspaper man for the day old paper.

songkran (thai new year- a water fight extraordinaire) was in town, er, a month ago. it was lovely. i will never spend songkran anywhere else again. nice wander through the festival market with mae (the thai mom of a friend). pick up cheap plastic bracelets and cream donuts. smile at little kids shooting water guns on the street. hit the main road, get drenched, live djs, street party. lots of beer, everyone soaking wet and covered in powder. dancing. thai boys conjuring loud elaborate feuds. then the taxi adventure home with the local redneck driving beer in hand and people falling off the truck when going around sharp mountain curves, thai music blaring.

best pals before the 'songkram' deluge

after that i fought with my best friend and was thrust into a new life without her. (normally she lives with me part time). that entailed going to lots of parties and meeting lots of nice men with my other best friend, who is sort of, well, gregarious. i am not gregarious at all. i hover in corners beaming at people and spill my drink. later i dance, sometimes wildly, often with myself. the men have all been perfectly acceptable, and most of them educated, well off, interesting, doably hot foreigners. hmph! but i turned them all down because i love my life right now. here, in thong nai pan, i feel the best i have ever felt (health not included). i love my house, my dogs, my friends, the village where i know most everyone (after a lifetime of moving every 3-6 months to new places), the nature, sunshine, books (read a whole one on my fun visa run to cambodia the other day), surprise visitors. drunken ladyboys poking me at parties and asking me to help them scheme in getting boyfriends i would rather snag myself (hot! those damn gay men). bodysurfing with my pups. my beach mat and "spot" under the tree, cooking, spiders, dvds. intentional touching but not acknowledging and not taking it too far- flirting i suppose (he's 19). coconut milkshakes and storms. hmmm.

gift from 'puppy'

could use better food as i mentioned, some art occasionally
(though i do meet artists). a decent music scene, films. but that's why i went to bangkok last week, where i stayed downtown and lounged in air conditioned places and snaked around via skytrain. marinated myself in lovely scented baths, slept on fluffy pillows, ate 7-11 and $30 steaks. i also met my best german hippie pal 'c' there, where she had stopped after months of running around and away with her thai boyfriend 'w', also my good pal. they got a visa to go to germany, where she lives in a house with 30 people, drives taxis all over germany, and writes books. good luck to them. he is ecstatic to leave thong nai pan after 31 years! (eek!)

now i have to actually schedule out my time and keep accounts for my little freelancing operation here. i have meetings on IM and with VOIP. i actually get paid for it too even though sometimes it is long in coming and i freak out and turn psychotic on them but then they usually pay right up.

got a sunburn today riding on motorbike all over the other side of the island with my friend-again. visited some other thai friends at their snake- and mosquito- (and rambling swiss man-) filled place at the top of the mountain (wheeze) overlooking the crowded and sparkling had rin. will finish a smoke on my porch, watching the sun come down, feed my doggies, listen to music or wander to the beach and see who i can find to flirt with or chat to now. maybe jump in and make stars with the phosporescent plankton under the full moon. life is good.